Boycie quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Boycie

It's amazing, innit? Everything you buy off him has got something missing.

Boycie

This piece of paper. It's not a log book for a Cortina is it?

Boycie

Have you ever spent an evening in Trigger's flat!? It's like holding a seance with Mr. Bean.

Boycie

Is that all you've got Del?

Del

Eh? Uh no, no (nudging his head towards Rodney), Rodney's got the rest for me...

Rodney

Oh yeah... Del, here's the four pound thirty-seven from the empties...

Del

What you got?

Boycie

I've got kings.

Del

How many?

Boycie

Un, deux, tois, quatre.

Del

Four!?

Boycie

I didn't know you were good at maths Del Boy.

Boycie

Come on Del, let's see your two pair.

Del

Well I've got a pair of aces and another pair of aces.

Boycie

That's FOUR aces.

Del

I didn't know you were good at maths either Boycie.

Boycie

(grudgingly) Well done, Del. Nicely played. (whispers) Where did you get those four bloody Aces from?

Del

Same place you got those Kings. I knew you was cheating, Boycie.

Boycie

Oh yeah, how?

Del

Because that wasn't the hand that I dealt you.

Marlene

We could say it's a throwback.

Boycie

for gawd sake Marlene!I might be able to con people into buying my cars, I might be able to convince them that you conceived and gave birth in seven days flat, but how the hell am I going to persuade them my grandad was Louis Armstrong?!?

Trigger

Hold up, hats off.

Boycie

Hello, your mini cab's arrived, Albert.

Del

Boycie!

Trigger

Is that Dave?

Del

Yeah.

Rodney

You git. You rotten git! You never told me my new job was a chief mourner!!!

Del

Rodney, please show some respect.

Mike

Why does he keep doing it, eh?

Boycie

God knows. I suppose at some time in his life, someone told him he could play the piano.

Mike

Yeah, but I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing!

Mike

What is the matter with everyone today? Trigger's done nothing but moan, you've got a face like a constipated rat. At least when Del Boy comes in, he cracks a joke and has a laugh!

Boycie

It is due to the activities of the aforementioned Del Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat! Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.

Trigger

How is he?

Boycie

A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon. He sold me some video recorders, 70 pounds each, I snapped them up.

Mike

70 nicker each? What, they fall off the back of a lorry?

Boycie

If they did, they were going around the bend in Düsseldorf!

Mike

How'd you mean?

Boycie

I've just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current. To make them work on the British system would take a transformer the size of a suitcase, and an electrician of such genius I'd have to go head-hunting at Cape Canaveral!

Boycie

Don't panic. I am a doctor. Stand aside, stand aside, let the dog see the rabbit. (checks Arnie's pulse) Oh yes, very nasty he needs an operation. (searches Arnie's pockets for the key to his handcuff)

He's not a doctor. He's mugging the poor man.

Boycie

Oi!

You... (punches Boycie on the nose)

Call the police.

Yes madam, I call the police.

Del

It's all right they'll be no need. I am an officer of the law.

(looking at Del's height) Policemen are taller than that.

Del

I'm a small town policeman. All right sunshine you are knicked. (grabs Boycie and takes him out of the restaurant) Come on, out you go! Rest assured madam when we get him down the police station, we'll give him a bloody good hiding. Come on you!

The spirits are with us. A man has stepped forward. A tall, elderly man wearing a black coat and a black hat. He wished to speak to someone called Audrey... No, no Aubrey.

Del

Aubrey?

Boycie

I am here.

Rodney

Aubrey?

Boycie

It's my middle name.

Trigger

You never said your name was Aubrey.

Boycie

Nor would you if your name was Aubrey.

(to Boycie, about the ghost of his father) He says you must be a good father. You must look after your child.

Boycie

Is he having a pop at me or something?

Uncle Albert

Elsie, Boycie and his wife Marlene can't have kids.

Del

Yeah they've been trying for years but nitto.

Rodney

Yeah he's had tests, things frozen, the lot.

Mike

The hospital have just about given up with him.

Trigger

He's low on something.

Boycie

(completely furious) Would you mind not discussing my personal life with strangers? You can tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business he was always going on at me for not giving him a grandchild.

Del

All right calm down. (grins) Aubrey.

Boycie

You can pack that in for a start. I'm gonna get a drink [He rises] It's all a load of rubbish anyway I never believed a word of it. [He considers] Excuse me.

Mike

Listen, I’ve er heard of the Driscoll brothers Del but I’ve never seen them. What do they look like?

Boycie

Well one of them looks like he was evicted from The Planet of the Apes

Del

Yeah, and the other one reminds me of Cliff Richards

Mike

What, he looks er younger than his years?

Del

No, he’s got one of those faces that you wanna slap