Cassandra quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Del

Hello, Cassandra, very pleased to meet you. Rodney has told me all about you. Don't worry, I'll try not to shout it all about.

Cassandra

That's very nice of you, Derek. Rodney's told me all about you as well, although I must admit I didn't believe him... until now.

Del

Hang on a minute, just before you go and check in - this prize ain't quite as straightforward as it seems.

Cassandra

Well he did win, didn't he?

Del

Oh yes, yes, he won and all that, and it's all pukka and above board, and we're here...

Cassandra

So what's the problem?

Rodney

That's strange, you know.

Cassandra

What?

Rodney

Well, I noticed it on the plane, but it didn't sort of register. They're all mums and dads - they've all got their kids with them.

Cassandra

What's strange about that?

Rodney

Well, except for me, right, all the winners are parents.

Del

No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rodney... It's the kids.

Cassandra

What do you mean?

Del

Well Rodney's painting won first prize... in an under 15 year old category.

Rodney

(stunned) Say again?

Cassandra

So they think Rodney's 15?!

Rodney

Is that right?

Del

No. They think you're 14.

Rodney

14? (to Cassandra) They think I'm 14!!!

Rodney

Why didn't you tell me this back in England?

Del

Well I thought it might cast a little cloud over the holiday. Look, Rodney, I sent your painting off in good faith. I didn't know there were lots of categories, but you're the one who wrote on it, "Rodney Trotter, aged 14 1/2", so the organisers must have put you in the kids category. So it's your fault, that you wrote on it.

Rodney

But how was I to know that in 12 years' time, you were going to enter it into a cornflake competition?

Del

Well how was I supposed to know that you'd win? Come on Rodney, it doesn't matter, you're going to waltz through it!

Rodney

Waltz through it?! How the hell am I gonna pass for 14?!

Rodney

(icily) Will you stop doing that, Cassandra?

Cassandra

(calming down) Sorry.

Rodney

Act your age.

Rodney

(to Del) This is your fault. I am going to break your bloody neck!

Rodney

Sorry about the bad language, Cassandra.

Cassandra

What bad language?

Rodney

(through the door to Del) GET IN HERE NOW, YOU DIPSTICK! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!

Raquel

You see this girl here. I worked with her years ago when I was in show business. She was just a kid then! Look at her now, she's about to appear in the new James Bond film!

Cassandra

Ooh Pierce Brosnan.

Rodney

Now you don't need Pierce Brosnan dear, you've got me.

Cassandra

Yes, haven't I just?

Del

Well, I tell you what, Raquel. If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.

Raquel

Oh shut up.

Del

No, you could.

Raquel

Don't be silly.

Del

I'm serious. I mean, look at her, she's a dog.

Cassandra

(offer Del the "gravy") Del?

Del

No! I mean, no thank you sweetheart, I'm trying to give it up.

Cassandra

Albert?

Albert

Er, not for me dear.

Del

Oh yes, you'll have some. Come on Albert you know how you like your gravy. (completly covers Albert's dinner in coffee, all Albert can do is sit and watch sadly. Del then whispers to him) Git!

Del

Don't worry Rodney, this time next year, we'll be millionaires!

Rodney

This time last week, we were millionaires!

Cassandra

Del, it's Albert. I'm so sorry.

Cassandra

Why do they do that?

Raquel

It's like I've told you, Cassandra. Women are from Venus, men are from Peckham!

Cassandra

There's you. (realisation hits her)

Rodney

Yeah there's me. July 1960. Before I was born.

Cassandra

Who is it?

Rodney

He's my father.

Cassandra

But your father...

Rodney

My real father, Cass. My biological old man.

Raquel

Who is he?

Del

His name was Freddie Robdal. He was a mate of my dad's. My mum was having a rough time with the old man. He was very handy, if you know what I mean, with women. Not much cop when it came to men, but a hard nut with women and kids. Anyway, one day, my dad brought Freddie home, and him and my mum got on like a house on fire. They had the same taste in music and... well, everything.

Cassandra

And what was he, this Freddie Robdal?

Rodney

He was a gentleman safe-cracker. They called him "The Raffles of Peckham". People have mentioned him before and we sounded similar. He was a connoisseur of fine wines, a gourmet, a real snappy dresser, and big-time charmer.

Cassandra

So, how are you similar?

Rodney

We're about the same height.