Del Boy Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

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Del

(confronting Beverly at her workplace, convinced that she's stalking him) Now you listen to me. You leave me and my family alone! You don't frighten me. I'm not scared of you!

BBeverly

(to a patient) Mr. James. (to Del) What's wrong with you, you moron?

[Trigger approaches the desk as she says this.]

Trigger

Oh just a couple of fillings.

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(dressed as Robin) We didn't know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.

Trigger

Me either.

You mean, that's your costume?

Trigger

Yeah. I come as a chauffeur. (thinks) I feel a bit stupid now.

Del

(dressed as Batman) Yeah, you do stand out a bit.

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You see this girl here. I worked with her years ago when I was in show business. She was just a kid then! Look at her now, she's about to appear in the new James Bond film!

Ooh Pierce Brosnan.

Now you don't need Pierce Brosnan dear, you've got me.

Yes, haven't I just?

Del

Well, I tell you what, Raquel. If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.

Oh shut up.

Del

No, you could.

Don't be silly.

Del

I'm serious. I mean, look at her, she's a dog.

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(wearing a "Trotter crash-turban") I look like a human cannonball that's just crashed into a washing line!

During the war...

Del

Will you shut up!? Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle of a very important board meeting? We don't wanna hear stories about U-Boats and giant squids!

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Del

(talking about why Rodney won't talk to Cassandra after the miscarriage) Yes I know, he's got a lot on his mind, Raquel.

He's got a lot on his mind?! And how do you think Cassandra feels? She's the one who's had the miscarriage! She needs her husband by her side, not out drinking in some pub or club.

Del

Yes I know, but she's a woman, ain't she? She's stronger than Rodney.

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During the...

Del

If you say "During the war..." once more, I'm gonna pour this cup of tea right over your head!

I wasn't gonna say "During the war..."!

Del

Well that's alright then.

Bloody little know-it-all.

Del

Alright, sorry.

Thank you. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany...[Del glowers at him]

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[Rodney and Del are stuck in the lift, and Del is "claustrophobic" and acting all immature.]

I never thought I'd see you like this! You're acting like a big kid just 'cos we're stuck in a lift for a while.

Del

Yes, well you don't know how I feel! (kicks the door a couple of times) I feel... I feel sort of frightened! You don't know what that's like!

I don't know what it's like?! How do you think I've felt for the last couple of weeks since Cassie... since what happened?

Del

I don't know, Rodney, I don't know how you've felt!

Well, I'll tell you, frightened ain't the word! Do you know what I did last night?

Del

No, but I bet it was depressing!

I sat and read my diaries from when I was a school kid.

Del

See, I was right!

No, not quite. I actually noticed moments of hope inside those pages - I mean there weren't many - just the occasional oasis of promise in a desert of pessimism. They were simple hopes, as you'd expect for someone of my age. I hoped for - hairs, hoped I'd do well in my exams, I even hoped for a good job when I left school.

Del

Well, you got hairs, didn't you? Think how Right Said Fred must feel.

Me and Cass were so happy, Del. We were looking forward and all we could see in front of us was a big wide highway and we were just cruising like we were in a Rolls-Royce. And suddenly it came to a shattering halt - just like the poxy lift. Suddenly Happy Families became Dungeons and Dragons. (crying) And I've never felt sodding pain like that in all my life.

Del

Is Cassandra hurting?

Well of course she is!

Del

How do you know? You haven't talked to her about it.

No, and do you know why? Because... it's because... It's almost like if I don't talk about it, it might not be true.

Del

But it is.

I know! I know. But if I don't say it...

Del

If you don't say what?

We lost our baby!

Del

But you did - and now you've said it.

Yeah. I've said it! You just shield yourself from it, you know. I've just been lying, ain't I?

Del

In a way. And what about Cassandra?

Not her. Cassandra can't tell a lie.

Del

Raquel can, the moment one leaves my lips.

[Del and Rodney both laugh.]

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Cassie seemed so fragile. I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it - but I was frightened I might... sort of break her.

Del

No. She's strong, Rodney. Look, it's just a dropped stitch in life's tapestry. That's what Mum used to say.

Yeah, I suppose that's about the strength of it when you think about it.

Del

Of course it is. You two'll pick up the bits and pieces and be cruising down that big highway again. Cassandra wants to talk about it, she told Raquel.

What do I say to her?

Del

Well, you tell her exactly what you told me - you can leave out the bit about the hairs if you like. You go home and you have a heart-to-heart with her right now. And while you're there, you ask her if she fancies coming round for dinner tonight.

Yeah, I'd love to Del, but there is the little matter that I'm stuck in a lift.

Del

Oh yeah. (stands up and opens the control panel) Let's have a look in here.

Claustrophobia cleared up quick, didn't it?

Del

Yeah well, got over the worst of it.

(stands up) Almost as quick as that flu you had this morning.

Del

Well, these things, they come and go, don't they? Oh look, there's a little switch in here. (presses a switch, and the lift begins moving again) There you go.

(angry) You git! You stopped it!

Del

(smiling) It was the only way I could get you talking! You can't run away in a broken lift.

You git!

[Del and Rodney both start laughing.]

(laughing) You! You git!

[The two then hug.]

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Del

(taking a smell of the "coffee" Albert just made) Hang about, which coffee did you make this with?

That jar over there.

Del

This ain't coffee! Smell it, it's bloody gravy.

Yeah, that's gravy. Well it's not my fault. It's them jars, look. How am I supposed to tell the difference?

Del

I'll tell you how you tell the difference. This one has on the label, Maxwell House coffee and on this one it says Oxo gravy granules. Bit of a giveaway really, innit?

Well, I was in a hurry and I got mixed up.

Del

I'll mix you up in a min...[realises] Hang on a minute. If you've made gravy in the coffee pot, then what are they pouring over their dinners in there? (goes to look) All right?

AAudrey

Wonderful.

Del

(uneasy smile) Cushty. (to Albert) They're only doing it. They are only out there doing it now! They are only pouring Maxwell bleeding House over their lamb noisewats and veg. I don't believe you. Not only have you managed to sink every aircraft carrier and battleship that you've ever sailed on, but now you've gone and knackered a gravy boat!

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(offer Del the "gravy") Del?

Del

No! I mean, no thank you sweetheart, I'm trying to give it up.

Albert?

Er, not for me dear.

Del

Oh yes, you'll have some. Come on Albert you know how you like your gravy. (completly covers Albert's dinner in coffee, all Albert can do is sit and watch sadly. Del then whispers to him) Git!

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[Del and Rodney managed to auction off the John Harrison "lesser watch".]

Del

How much exactly did it go for?

Six point two million. Just over three million each.

Del

Well we've had worse days, ain't we?