Roy Slater quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Slater

According to you and your family we are looking for a six foot seven inch dwarf, aged between 15 and 50, white male with oriental features who's as black as Newgates Knocker. Oh yeah and he wears a Deaf aid.

I see Boycie's selling pirate videos now.

Del

(chuckles) Yeah... Uh, yeah.

Slater

What number King's Avenue does he live?

Del

I dunno, but you can't miss it. It's the one with the Jolly Roger flying from the chimney.

Slater

Oh, that takes me back, Del. Do you remember when we were kids and we used to go over the pond and play at pirates. You were Dan Tempest. Trigger was Long John Silver... What character did I play Del?

Del

You played the bloke what walked the plank.

Slater

Oh, yeah. The bloke that walked the plank. I was always the bloke that walked the plank. I must have been in and out of that pond more times than a duck's head! I always wanted to be Bluebeard!

Del

Well you should have said so.

Slater

I did say so, but you would never let me!

Del

I did once.

Slater

Oh yeah, I remember, that was the day Bluebeard had to walk the plank!

Slater

Right! Down to business! The face that dropped the microwave oven in the market! What did he look like?

Del

Oh, he was about average height.

Grandad

He was a great big tall fella!

Rodney

Oh, he was little more than a dwarf!

Grandad

Age?

Rodney

About 25.

Grandad

Middle 50s!

Del

He was just a kid!

Slater

What about his ethnic group?

Del

Well, I didn't notice anyone with him.

Slater

No, I mean was he Caucasian?

Grandad

No, he was a white fella!

Rodney

He was African, I think!

Slater

Sorry did you want a cup of tea, Del?

Del

No, it's alright Slater, I had one yesterday.

Grandad

He was just a bloke in the market.

Del Boy

Leave it out Grandad. If Mr Slater was here to believe our descriptions he'd have his men out searching for someone who was a cross between Tom Thumb and the Jolly Green Giant.

Slater

With a Deaf aid

Rodney

I'm saying nothing till I phone my solicitor.

Slater

Go on then phone your solicitor

Rodney

I haven't got a solicitor.

Slater

Don't waste my bloody time then.

Del

No I give you fifty quid and you let us go.

Slater

I didn't hear that Del.

Del

I said [louder] I GIVE YOU FIFTY QUID

Rodney

Del.

Slater

Come on Del. Who nicked it?

Del

They are free to go, ain't they?

Slater

Yeah, they're free to go, no charges.

Del

And you got nothing on me?

Slater

No, you've got immunity from prosecution, you've got less chance of a pull than the Queen. For the third and last time of asking, who nicked the microwave off the back of the lorry?

Del

I did! (holds up immunity letter triumphantly)

Roy Slater

I turned to crime. [Del and friends look at each other] I got involved in that diamond-smuggling caper. [Del and friends slowly start walking to the door whilst Slater speaks] And as I, of all people, should know, I got collared. [He stands up and approaches Del and friends, who return to the wall they were at earlier; loudly] I spent three and a half years in a ten foot by six foot prison cell, trying to work out where I'd gone wrong in life. [sits down; melodramatically] Whilst in prison, I found Jesus!

Del

[not impressed] What had they fitted him up with?

Slater

To be more precise, Jesus found me...[sadly]was around about the time I got a message...to say...my old man had...passed away.

Del

[softly] I know, Roy. I went to his funeral.

Slater

Thanks, Del. I wish I could have gone.

Trigger

Why didn't you?

Denzil

Probably because he didn't have a black suit and a bloody big ladder! He was in nick, Trig!

Trigger

Yeah, but I thought they let you out for acts of God like funerals and weddings.

Slater

I applied for temporary compassionate release. My mum wrote to the prison governor...

Denzil

And he wouldn't let you go?

Slater

Not after what that old cow put in her letter!

Roy Slater

Would you do me one favour. When the baby's born, if it's a boy would you call him after me?

Rodney

I wouldn't have thought so. It's not fair to christen a kid "Dick", is it?