Del Boy Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Del

What's she doing?

Trigger

She's going like this... (shuts his eyes, leans back and groans)

Del

You know who that is don't ya?

Trigger

Sounds like Jimmy Savile

Del

Jimmy Savile? That is our mother

Trigger

Sorry Del Boy. Dave.

Rodney

[scornfully] Jimmy Savile.

Del

That's right bruv. Cheek.

You don't like those sort of surroundings, do you? I mean, champagne, caviar, country clubs...

Del

Oh no, Alan, I hate it, I hate it, all put on. I mean, them people just do things for effect.

Mike

Listen, I’ve er heard of the Driscoll brothers Del but I’ve never seen them. What do they look like?

Boycie

Well one of them looks like he was evicted from The Planet of the Apes

Del

Yeah, and the other one reminds me of Cliff Richards

Mike

What, he looks er younger than his years?

Del

No, he’s got one of those faces that you wanna slap

You owe us £2000. You got the money?

Del

Course I ain't. I ain't sold the phones yet have?

Danny

Don't give me all that Derek. Them two munchkins Ebony and Ivory took the phones off us three months ago.

Del

Three months? I didn't know that Danny.

Danny

Do you think we're stupid? (Del doesn't answer) Do you think I'm stupid? If you don't cough up that two grand I'm gonna take his collar and lead off and let him loose on you! (Tony grins at Del menacingly)

Marlene

I didn't know Rodney's middle name was Charlton.

Del

Oh yeah, it was me mum. She was a fan.

Marlene

Oh what, Charlton Heston?

Del

No, Charlton Athletic.

Rodney

You don't like baseball, you always called it "silly boys rounders".

Del

Yeah, that's before i knew that it was in, now-a-days it's the kinda game that guys like me and Steven enjoy

What do you mean "Guys like me and Steven"?

Del

Well, yuppies.

Yupp... Derek, I am not a yuppie!

Del

You are Steven.

No, no I'm...

Del

No take it from me son, you are!

Del

Brandy please, Pamela.

Armagnac?

Del

Yeah, that'll do fine if you're out of Brandy.

And Africa is where it's at. Recently Joanne and I spent little time down in Afrique sur-mer.

Del

Fabrique belgique.

What is a female swan called?

Del

Got it. It's a bic.

Sid

(annoyed that he wasn't asked by Del to make the sandwiches) Oi.

Del

(who is halfway down the coach aisle, taking the sandwich crate to Mike, as Denzil, the previous man responsible for them, has admitted to an ear infection) Yes?

Sid

I want a word with you.

Del

Yeah, what is it, Sid?

Sid

I run a cafe, right?

Del

(looks around) Yeah, right, so what?

Sid

So why didn't you ask me to make the sandwiches?

Del

Well, the explanation is simple. We intend to eat them.

Sid

(clearly hurt) Oh. All right. (He puffs on his cigarette.)

Del

Alright then. (He leaves.)

Uncle Albert

I remember once just after the war.

Rodney

Oh don't start, Unc!

Mickey

We've had enough of your stupid stories for one day. Albert!

Del

Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He's a war hero, he's got a right to speak!

Uncle Albert

I fought for free speech!

Del

(to Albert, venomously) Shut up!

I am not a cowboy!

Not a cowboy? I've got spur marks on my grandfather clock

Nobody's ever called me that before, I am not a cowboy!

Del

Bronco!

Raquel

The doctor told you to stay off fried food.

Del

Yes, I know, and the Doctor told Snow White to eat more fruit. But we all know what happened to that poor old cow.

Raquel

The tour doesn't start for another three months.

Del

Oh well, gives you plenty of time to meet more of them intelligent, sensitive actor people don't it?

Raquel

Derek, will you get it into your thick skull: I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I'm happy with you!