Denzil quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Denzil

He's cool, I like it. I tell you, if he wasn't so white, I'd swear he was black.

Del

Yeah, he is white, ain't he?

Denzil

The whitest man I've ever seen in all my life.

Rodney

I'm not ever so white!

Del

You are. You'd make an albino look bronzed.

Denzil

You want to hear a sob story? I can tell you a sob story. I have just found out that my wife has been lying to me.

Rodney

No!

Denzil

Yeah. Every morning she says she's going to leave me and, when I come home at night, she's still there.

Denzil

(to Arnie's sons, Gary and Stephen) Wotcha fellas!

What's happening?

Denzil

Get in! (before climbing into back of the ambulance behind Gary and Stephen and locking the doors).

Trigger

Give me a lift home will you Boyce?

Denzil

Yeah me too Boycie.

Boycie

Oh yes of course I'm running a bleedin' minicab service these days, ain't I?

Roy Slater

I turned to crime. [Del and friends look at each other] I got involved in that diamond-smuggling caper. [Del and friends slowly start walking to the door whilst Slater speaks] And as I, of all people, should know, I got collared. [He stands up and approaches Del and friends, who return to the wall they were at earlier; loudly] I spent three and a half years in a ten foot by six foot prison cell, trying to work out where I'd gone wrong in life. [sits down; melodramatically] Whilst in prison, I found Jesus!

Del

[not impressed] What had they fitted him up with?

Slater

To be more precise, Jesus found me...[sadly]was around about the time I got a message...to say...my old man had...passed away.

Del

[softly] I know, Roy. I went to his funeral.

Slater

Thanks, Del. I wish I could have gone.

Trigger

Why didn't you?

Denzil

Probably because he didn't have a black suit and a bloody big ladder! He was in nick, Trig!

Trigger

Yeah, but I thought they let you out for acts of God like funerals and weddings.

Slater

I applied for temporary compassionate release. My mum wrote to the prison governor...

Denzil

And he wouldn't let you go?

Slater

Not after what that old cow put in her letter!

Denzil

[exasperated about Del being secretive] How can we be certain that this stuff [indicates the barrels containing the substance] isn't dangerous?!

Del

[equally exasperated about Denzil's supposed insubordination] Because it is not! And that's the truth! [he goes into the shed, closing the door behind him]

Trigger

There you are, you've heard it from the horse's mouth, now. You get that end... [moves to pick up one of the barrels]

Denzil

What d'ya mean, I've heard it from the horse's mouth?! That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein!

Trigger

Del knows what he's talking about. And I don't see what the Beatles' manager's got to do with it anyway.

Denzil

[frustrated] But Trig... [thinks on what Trigger has just said] What?!

Trigger

When we was at school, Del was the best in our class at chemistry. He used to sell homemade fireworks. He even blew up the science lab once.

Denzil

[angry] Yes, I remember! I was doing detention in there at the time!

Trigger

And you say he don't know what he's talking about?

Denzil

[annoyed] Right, that's it, Del! I am not touching them! I'm off!

Del

[still in the shed, therefore unseen] Denzil, now, believe me, it's harmless! And to prove it, I'm gonna help you carry it! Well, I can't play fairer than that, can I?

Trigger

Look, it can't be dangerous, Denzil.

Denzil

How can you be sure?!

Trigger

Cause Del's just offered to help us carry 'em.

Denzil

Yeah, all right, Trig. All right.

Del

[enthusiastically] Lovely jubbly!

It's closed!

Trigger

(checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit?.

Del

(turns to face Trigger) What d'you mean, "it's a bit late"? You said it was open twenty-four hours a day!

Trigger

Yeah, but not at night!

Del

Bint!

Denzil

[despairingly] So what do we do now? We've got six thousand gallons of...something, in the back of my van!

Trigger

We could take it down the other council depot I used to work at.

Del

Is it open?

Trigger

No.

Denzil

[angry] Well, what's the point of taking it to your depot if that's not open either?!

Trigger

[puts his hand in his pocket] Well, it soon will be open. [takes his hand out of his pocket. A set of keys are hanging from his fingers.] I got a spare set of keys here.

Del

[glaring at Trigger] Bloody hell!

Denzil

[to Del] Are you sure this is all right?

Del

[angrily] WELL, WHO CARES?!

Trigger

[nonchalantly] Yeah, no problems. [leans forward, to look backwards] Come on, back up. You're all right behind, Denzil.

Denzil

I mean, is it legal?!

Del

[angrily] YES! [Denzil jumps back in his seat] JUST... HUSH UP WITH YOU, DENZIL! [faces forward; calmer] Stone me, it's bloody hot in here! I can't see the fascination with this diving lark!

Denzil

This could be anything, Trig! For all we know this could be... Well, this could be bloody Concorde fuel!

Del

No, honest, it's not Concorde fuel, it's anti-freeze from the Starship Enterprise!

Sid

There we go Denzil, one bowl of piping hot porridge. That'll warm you up on a cold day.

Denzil

Cheers Sid. (looks at his bowl of porridge) There's a hair in this.

Sid

Give it here.

Denzil

Here's another one.

Sid

Give it here.

Denzil

That's disgusting that is, Sid. If the health authorities saw this, they'd close you down.

Sid

I've been closed down for worse than that Denzil. (to Trigger) I hate these politically correct people.

Trigger

Yeah.

Sid

What'll it be Trig?

Trigger

Er, I'll try some of that porridge Sid.

Trigger

When I go in there, I'll just say I hear voices.

Denzil

Trigger, you're not on trial, you're a character witness.

Trigger

I know. But I still hear voices!

Boycie

Oh, God. This is gonna be one of them days!

Trigger

There's nothing to be nervous about, Denzil. All you've gotta do is go in there and tell the truth.

Denzil

Trigger, if I go in there and tell the truth, Del and Rodney'll spend the next five years sharpening Jeffrey Archer's pencils!

Del

We're just gonna have to let him go then.

Rodney

We can't just let him go! A stranger on this estate? Imagine what the gangs will do to him?

Denzil

Yeah. For all we know, he could be part of Al-Qaeda!

Rodney

Don't be stupid, Denzil.

Del

Yeah. I mean, does he look like he works in a furniture store?