Only Fools and Horses quotes

Grandad

(watching TV) That Sidney Potter's a good actor, ain't he Rodney? He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.

Rodney

Yeah knock out Grandad. Sidney Potter?

Grandad

Yeah, you know him. Always plays the black fella.

Rodney

Sidney Poitier!

Grandad

Sidney Potter.

Del

Are you two at it again?

Rodney

Del. How do you pronounce that fella's name on the telly? Sidney Poitier or Potter?

Del

Personally, I'd pronounce it Harry Belafonte, but you two please yourselves.

Del

(to Rodney) What are you doing?

Rodney

Our accounts.

Del

You keeping accounts now?! (to Grandad) Well, there you are Grandad. A lot of people said I was a right dipstick to make my brother a partner in the business. But this only goes to prove how bloody right they were!

Del

I grafted 19 or 20 hours a day to put groceries on that table, alright it wasn't always double legal but you ate the finest food that was going.

Rodney

All you use to give me was TV dinners or convienience food, if it wasn't frozen or dehydrated we didn't eat it. If you had been in charge of The Last Supper it would have been a takeaway!

Del

Well anything was better than the salmonella and chips that Grandad used to knock up!

Del

(trying to explain to Rodney why Trotters Independent Traders never pays taxes) We don't pay V.A.T, we don't pay income tax or national insurance. On the other hand, we don't claim dole money, social security, supplementary benefit... The government don't give us nothing, so we don't give the government nothing.

Del

Ah, there he is. Oi, Trigger?! (gestures and Trigger comes over) Here. You know my brother, don't you, eh? [points at Rodney]

Trigger

Yeah, course I do. (to Rodney) How you going, Dave? (Trigger and Rodney shake hands; to Del) Sorry I'm late, Del Boy. I had to pop round me sister's to sort out an alibi for next Thursday. (to barmaid) Joycie! (he goes over to the bar as Del drinks)

Rodney

Del?

Del

Hmm?

Rodney

Del?

Del

What?

Rodney

(quietly) Why do they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun?

Del

No. It's 'cause he looks like a horse.

Del

You know what happened to the real Trigger, don't you? Roy Rogers had him stuffed.

Grandad

(to Rodney) Your dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top. There again, he always used to say that one day Millwall would win the cup!

Rodney

I saw myself more in the capacity of a financial advisor.

Del

A financial advisor?! Bonjour Trieste! You are beautiful, you are, Rodney! Today, I almost clinched a deal to buy these briefcases for £175. When my "financial advisor" stuck his nose in, and advised me to pay £200. Right? And now, having paid the £200, my "financial advisor" now advises me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river! Now, with financial advisors like that, who needs a bleedin' recession?

Del

Do you hear that?

Rodney

No, what is it?

Del

That's Mum turning in her grave.

Grandad

You wouldn't remember when I married your grandmother.

Del

(sarcastically) No.

Del

It's been so long that Rodney had a bit on the side, he didn't know they'd moved it.

Rodney

I'm gonna do what Monica was doing last night!

Del

Going dancing with Mickey Pearce?

Rodney

It looked all right from the outside.

Del

It looked all right from the outside? That's what the Christians said about the Colosseum!

Del

(hurriedly, after talking to a couple of "women") Drink up, we're leaving.

Rodney

Why? Are they a couple of ravers?

Del

No, they're a couple of geezers!"

(asking Rodney which tennis turf he likes playing on) What do you prefer? Astroturf or grass?

Rodney

I don't know, I've never smoked astroturf!