Matt quotes from Nip/Tuck

Matt

You're not supposed to take it literally. The story is for kids. Jesus is Santa Claus for adults.

Matt

[upon seeing Christian and Sean with a Porsche] So whose turn is it to have a mid-life crisis?

Julia

I should be back by 10. Dinner is in the fridge. Heat it up for five minutes at 350º. And, Matt, don't show Annie The Exorcist again.

Matt

She needs to know that evil exists.

Matt

Vanessa, this isn't all about Ridley. What do you want?

I just want her to love me, that's all.

Matt

Is all this effort worth it?

You tell me, Matt? Is all this pain worth it to you?

Matt

Pain? I'm a guy who's about to have a three-way!

Julia

Having three-way sex in my house is a very big deal, Matt.

Matt

You guys are lucky that that was all I was doing. I know kids hooked on crank, kids who are plotting to blow up the school.

Julia

Congratulations. You win the award for least screwed up teenager.

Matt

What are you writing?

Sean

My obituary. I read somewhere that writing your own was a good motivational tool.

And what does it say?

Sean

"Dr. Sean McNamara, 101 years old, died Tuesday night of natural causes. Inventor of bipolar liposuction. He was described by his friends and large family as a good doctor, good husband..."

Matt

...And a good father.

Matt

She's the life coach my mom hired to get my grades up.

Christian

Your grades, asshole, not your dick!

Matt

No, this whole family is bullshit. And you're the reason why.

Julia

Don't talk to me like that, I am still your mother.

Matt

You're not my mother, you're a whore.

Matt

Even if you did hit me, it would still be true.

Matt

Look, what's happened between the three of you is painful. But we can fix this.

Sean

Your mother slept with my best friend, and you were the result, and I didn't know for 17 years, so stop defending them!

Matt

Yeah, and my mother is sleeping in a hotel because you kicked her out, and I can hear you crying through the walls at night, so don't you dare scream at me!

Christian

Sorry I'm late.

Have a seat, Mr. McNamara.

Christian

It's Troy. Dr. Christian Troy.

I'm confused. I thought you were his father.

Christian

I am. I'm his, uh, biological father.

Matt

I have two dads.

Well, was there a divorce? Oh, got it. Two dads. Emily Willis has two mommies. We're seeing more and more of this.

Christian

Matt's father is my partner, Dr. Sean McNamara.

I understand.

Matt

They're not gay, Miss Wentworth. My Mom slept with Christian before she married my Dad.

Technically, I don't have any father figures, but Matt's living in my house and screwing my Mom, so I pretend he's my Dad.

Ava

It's true, Miss Wentworth. Matt and I are lovers. I was his life coach.

You see, Matt has a problem. He's a premature ejaculator.

OK, enough. I deal with dysfunctional families on a daily basis. And trust me, everyone has a story, and none of you are that special.

Matt

You wouldn't dare mess up your most perfect work.

Sean

I already have!

Christian

Not a bad way to spend the holidays.

Matt

Two single men, watching football, eating Chinese. That's America.

Sean

[after giving Matt sex advice] The neighbors will either move or send you flowers.

Matt

If that's what you did with her, I can't imagine what Christian and Kimber did together.