Mac Robinson quotes from Night Court

Mac

Sir, I cannot believe you didn't take the challenge!

Roz

Where is your pride?

Christine

Rip his guts out and use 'em for garters, sir! [off their looks] Metaphorically speaking, Your Honor.

Harry

Don't you guys understand? I-I don't want to beat Cleaver. I just want to spend my few remaining years in... peaceful contemplation. [beeping] What's that?

Roz

It's coming from Cleaver's briefcase.

Harry

I'M GONNA WASTE THE SUCKER!

Dan

[gasps] My God! It's a Rolex.

Mac

Read the inscription.

Dan

"Dear Dan, whether you believe it or not, I think of you as a friend."

Dan

[gasps again] It's real!

Christine

You know, Dan, you could get into a lot of trouble for impersonating a military officer.

Dan

It just so happens that I am an officer in the United States Army Reserves.

Mac

Get out!

Dan

No, it's true. In fact, I've been in the Reserves for five years. I mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer...

Bull

Like going to the bathroom. [stares from everyone] ...What?

Christine

Bull, I'm sure if you just tell Roz what happened, she'll understand.

Roz

[storms in] When I find the butthead who stole my coffee mug, I'm gonna yank his shorts out through his nose!

Bull

[whispers to Mac] Would that hurt?

Mac

Oh, yeah.

Mac

[ducking balls of wadded-up paper] Look, Quon Le, if you really want to hurt me, you've gotta throw something heavier!

Oh, I will! I'm just perfecting my aim!

Mac

So, you think your old alma mater's got a real chance this year, huh?

Harry

I'm telling you, Mac, this is the best team that East Chesapeake has seen since a scrappy midfielder name of Harry T. Stone s...

[in unison] Scored the winning goal to bring mighty Florida Tech to its knees.

Harry

Ah, the legend lives.

Clark Edwards

What I am saying is that I remain unconvinced that for some reason, bizarre incidents keep happening in your courtroom.

Harry

What the hell...?

Mac

Oh, my dear Lord!

Bull

Hi, guys!

Clark Edwards

Don't say a word. I believe everything you said. Just send me the bill and let's both forget we ever met each other. [flees]

Mac

[re: his yellow sweater] Think it's a little bright?

Harry

No, Venus is a little bright. [into microphone] Warning, home viewers: do not stare directly into the sweater!

Mac

What's that?

Roz

Evidence from the Darcy case. They need IDs.

Mac

[looks inside] Aw, man! These are those damn sex toys! How am I supposed to identify these? [They both look across the room at Dan. Mac carries the box over.] Hey, Dan! You know this stuff?

Dan

[looks inside, big smile] Like the palm of my hand.

Dan

Help me.

Harry

Dan, you really got a sister?

Dan

This is true.

Bull

But you told us you were an only child.

Dan

I wanted the attention.

Christine

Gee, big age difference between the two of you.

Dan

She was kind of an accident.

Harry

Not planned, huh?

Dan

No, an accident. I accidentally backed the truck into Papa as he was helping Mama unload the groceries. Nine months later, a blessed event.

Mac

Fertile land, that bayou.

Dan

What am I supposed to do? I don't even know her. I mean, she was three years old when I left home. I can't relate to her. We have nothing in common.

Roz

How about parents?

Dan

Oh, sure. Ma and Pa Kettle. Then what? The truth is, I'm ashamed to face her. I was a pretty lousy brother.

Christine

Oh, come on, Dan. You couldn't have been that bad.

Dan

Christine, my last words to her were, "there is no Santa Claus."

Bull

What?!

Roz

[patting his shoulder] Of course there is. Don't you listen to him.

Mac

Next case—people vs... Ted!

Harry

Ted?!

Christine

[smugly] Good ol' Ted.

Harry

I don't get it. Why are you dressed like that?

Dan

Apparently, our former colleague was in the midst of an appendectomy when he was arrested for impersonating a surgeon.

Harry

Why would a lawyer want to impersonate a doctor?

Dan

Further complications. It seems he's not a lawyer, either.

Harry

Not a lawyer?

Roz

Not a lawyer?

Mac

Not a lawyer?

Not a lawyer?!

Christine

Lisette, could you read that back to me?

[in different voices] "Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer?!"

Christine

Thank you.