Bull Shannon quotes from Night Court

Harry

[not wanting to send Roz back to holding] Mr. McCracken, is there any chance you might change your mind?

I'll change my mind when Hell has frozen over, and the sun has turned to dust!

Bull

All right!

Mac

So, you think your old alma mater's got a real chance this year, huh?

Harry

I'm telling you, Mac, this is the best team that East Chesapeake has seen since a scrappy midfielder name of Harry T. Stone s...

[in unison] Scored the winning goal to bring mighty Florida Tech to its knees.

Harry

Ah, the legend lives.

Clark Edwards

You know, with everything that goes on around here, I'm surprised someone hasn't been killed!

Bull

[stands, brightly] I was!

Clark Edwards

...I know I'll probably regret asking this, but could you please elaborate on that?

Bull

Well, you see... it was a dark and stormy night...

Clark Edwards

What I am saying is that I remain unconvinced that for some reason, bizarre incidents keep happening in your courtroom.

Harry

What the hell...?

Mac

Oh, my dear Lord!

Bull

Hi, guys!

Clark Edwards

Don't say a word. I believe everything you said. Just send me the bill and let's both forget we ever met each other. [flees]

I need to talk to you, Roz. Is there someplace quiet?

Bull

Doesn't get quieter than up here!

Bull

...Ah. Well, I could leave you in the custody of a fellow bailiff...

Roz

That was stupid. He knows he's not supposed to leave you alone with me.

Because you might let me go?

Roz

Because I might throw you off the roof!

Roz

I'd like to talk about what you did up on the roof.

Bull

[modestly] Oh, that's okay, Roz, you don't have to thank...

Roz

What the hell is the matter with you?! You knew how I felt about James! You never leave a prisoner with someone who might let him go! Now you could have lost your job. And don't you ever do anything like that again, do you hear me?

Bull

[looks down, tiny voice] Yes, ma'am.

Roz

Good. Now bend over.

Roz

[softly] Thank you.

New Trekker

[dressed as Geordi La Forge] Admit it, the old Enterprise was a piece of junk!

Old Trekker

[dressed as Mr. Spock] Oh, yeah? How would you like a Vulcan death grip?

New Trekker/Old Trekker

Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!

Bull

How do you like the Bailiff Bull grip?

Dan

Help me.

Harry

Dan, you really got a sister?

Dan

This is true.

Bull

But you told us you were an only child.

Dan

I wanted the attention.

Christine

Gee, big age difference between the two of you.

Dan

She was kind of an accident.

Harry

Not planned, huh?

Dan

No, an accident. I accidentally backed the truck into Papa as he was helping Mama unload the groceries. Nine months later, a blessed event.

Mac

Fertile land, that bayou.

Dan

What am I supposed to do? I don't even know her. I mean, she was three years old when I left home. I can't relate to her. We have nothing in common.

Roz

How about parents?

Dan

Oh, sure. Ma and Pa Kettle. Then what? The truth is, I'm ashamed to face her. I was a pretty lousy brother.

Christine

Oh, come on, Dan. You couldn't have been that bad.

Dan

Christine, my last words to her were, "there is no Santa Claus."

Bull

What?!

Roz

[patting his shoulder] Of course there is. Don't you listen to him.

Dan

[seeing his sister and Bull in matching bathrobes] Bull? Please, tell me you didn't sleep together.

Bull

Heavens, no. We only had sex.

Dan

Hi, pumpkin!

Don't "pumpkin" me, Dan Fielding. How dare you treat me the way you did last night?

Bull

Dan, what did you do to this poor girl?

Dan

Nothing!

Exactly! I go out of my way to land the great Dan Fielding, the prince of passion, the carnal commando. And I end up with Captain Kangaroo!

Dan

[cowering] Tammy, you're upsetting me. You've never talked to me like this before.

Get used to it, jerkface, 'cause no yuppy-trash, slimeball creep walks out on me!

Dan

Now, wait a sec... Slimeball... creep. That rings a bell, too. You were saying? [Tammy slaps him] A stinging sensation on my cheek. I remember that, too. Once more, please. [Another slap] Oh, yes. It's all coming back to me now.

What's coming back to you?

Dan

Whoa. Every...thing!

Harry

Friends, family, Art. You know, each and every one of us has some special qualities that make us different from everybody else. I suppose when we're all alone, we end up thinking that those qualities might make us unattractive. But you only have to look at Bull and Wanda to see that that's not true. Here are two people that were brought together because of their uniqueness, not in spite of it. Two people who may see the world differently from most, but it's just fine for each other. Two people whose uniqueness has made their love for each other that much more special. And now, it is my great pleasure to bring these two very special people together. Bull, Wanda, you have any vows you want to share?

Bull

Wanda, I promise to love you with all my heart, to share with you the secrets of my soul, and never to hog the sheets, even when my toes are frosty.

Ditto.

Harry

Wanda, do you take Bull as your husband, to love, to honor, and to cherish as long as you both shall live?

I do.

Harry

And Bull, do you take Wanda as your wife, to love and honor and cherish as long as you both shall live?

Bull

Okay.

Harry

Be there anyone here who knows any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now.

Roz

Or forever answer to me.

Harry

Then by the power vested in me by the State of New York, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the groom.

[like her new husband] Okay.