[sees an envelope] All right, hallelujah! Cynthia Dalbey! The fruits of compromise. This is just the grease we need to get the Fielding campaign machine roaring again!
ChristineI can't believe you spent the night with that woman just for a campaign contribution.
I did it for the people. [opens the envelope and looks at the check] Twenty bucks?! Who does that overstuffed potato think I am?!
[reading a note that came with the check] This might explain it. "Dear Dan, you're no Jack Kennedy."
I just came by to tell everybody that the victory party is off.
Christine
Oh Dan, I'm so sorry. I know how much the election meant to you.
There'll be other elections. Maybe next time I'll even get you to vote for me.
[He touches her elbow playfully, and she laughs despite herself.]
Christine
Well, that depends. Do you think you'll be facing Joan Hobson again?
[smiles] I certainly hope so. [kisses her cheek] Goodnight, Christine.
Christine
[surprised] Goodnight, Dan.
Christine
[drunk] Buddy! Harry! I've gotta go! I've gotta stop him!
[She rushes to the door, and crashes into it]
I used to do that a lot. But I'm feeling much better now!
JSJudge Stone
OOOOHHH! [slams gavel] None of that language in my courtroom. Defense.
Christine Sullivan
My clients plead innocence.
JSJudge Stone
On What Grounds?!
Christine Sullivan
They claim to be victims of a mind meld.
JSJudge Stone
A mind meld?! Oh come on. Get real, guys. Star Trek is a TV show for crimity sakes. I'm gonna fine you each $30 and I suggest you stop living with your parents. [slams gavel]
You have no authority over us!
JSJudge Stone
I beg your pardon?
We are governed by the laws of the Federation.
JSJudge Stone
Is that so?! Ok, that's contempt, Chuckle! One day in the county jail! [slams gavel again]
Well, I happen to be the owner of five thousand acres of prime New Jersey swampland, that might interest one Jordan King.
Christine
Dan, you heard that from Bull!
All right, a huge bald condor told me.
Christine
Dan, that information was privileged! Don't you have any scruples?
[grandly amused] You've known me for five years. You can ask me that question?
[after the staff reads Dan's death threat, a bum walks into Harry's office, reaching into his coat]
TTony
I'm looking for Fielding...
IT'S HIM, HE'S GOT A GUN!
[He dives behind Harry's couch while Christine sprays the bum in the eyes]
Christine
Eat mace, bozo!
TTony
Ah, geez, lady, I'm a cop! [shows his badge]
You must be Detective Giuliano. I'm Judge Stone, the lump behind the couch is Dan Fielding. Of course you already met the lovely Christine Sullivan.
TTony
[still blinking off the mace] Charmed.
Christine
Well, what was I supposed to think? You have... doggie doo on your shoes.
TTony
I'm undercover, I put it there!
[Dan is hiding from his stalker disguised in a "borrowed" nun's outfit]
Christine
[not seeing his face] Sister? Sister please, I have a confession to make of a personal nature.
[Dan starts to speak up, but changes his mind.]
[high-pitched voice] Oh, well, why don't we come sit down over here, my child.
Christine
Thank you, sister. Oh, I'm ashamed to say that I have just had an impulsive carnal liaison with a man.
Whoo! Yes, well, my child, tell me, all about it.
Christine
Well, the worst part is I was weak when a friend's life was in danger.
Yes, tut-tut, now, about this liaison, um, I need details for true forgiveness.
Christine
I don't know where to start.
Christine
No! No. We just kissed.
Oh, I see, my child. Did he stick his tongue down your throat?
Christine
[perplexed] What?
Did he make balloon animals out of your panties?
Christine
[pulls back the wimple and sees him] DAN! [starts whaling on him] DAN FIELDING, YOU BIG PERVERT!
[she storms away]
Dan, you really got a sister?
But you told us you were an only child.
Christine
Gee, big age difference between the two of you.
She was kind of an accident.
No, an accident. I accidentally backed the truck into Papa as he was helping Mama unload the groceries. Nine months later, a blessed event.
Fertile land, that bayou.
What am I supposed to do? I don't even know her. I mean, she was three years old when I left home. I can't relate to her. We have nothing in common.
Oh, sure. Ma and Pa Kettle. Then what? The truth is, I'm ashamed to face her. I was a pretty lousy brother.
Christine
Oh, come on, Dan. You couldn't have been that bad.
Christine, my last words to her were, "there is no Santa Claus."
[patting his shoulder] Of course there is. Don't you listen to him.
Next case—people vs... Ted!
Christine
[smugly] Good ol' Ted.
I don't get it. Why are you dressed like that?
Apparently, our former colleague was in the midst of an appendectomy when he was arrested for impersonating a surgeon.
Why would a lawyer want to impersonate a doctor?
Further complications. It seems he's not a lawyer, either.
MIMan in court
Not a lawyer?!
Christine
Lisette, could you read that back to me?
LLisette
[in different voices] "Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer?!"
Christine
Thank you.
Christine
Rose, do your drive?
RRose
Of course, Miss Sullivan.
Christine
Oh, good, okay. Do you know first aid?
Christine
Excellent. Okay, first aid. Do you consider yourself to be warm and friendly?
RRose
Absolutely, my dear.
Christine
Good, great, okay.
[after a wink from Christine] Got any tattoos?
Ever been in the slammer?
What's the going price for a fifth of scotch?
[Rose leaves]
Christine
You're incredible!
I know. Part of being personnel.
Miss Mass Transit did not win because I received any special favors.
Christine
Oh, come on, Dan, you have the gall to say you didn't sleep with her?
Oh, no, I slept with her.
Christine
See there?!
But I also slept with Miss Crosstown Bus, Miss Turnstile, and Miss Elevated Platform. I mean, when it came to the Miss Mass Transit Pageant, I got off at every stop.
Night Court · 239 quotes
