Christine Sullivan quotes from Night Court

[to Christine] Hey, how'd you like me to charge up your San Juan Hill? [laughs]

Christine

Look, I may have to defend you, but I don't have to put up with your sleazy remarks.

Ooh, a filly with spirit! Looks like you need a Rough Rider! [laughs]

Christine

Watch it. I speak softly but I carry a big knee.

Christine

Your Honor, before we can proceed, we're going to need an order to separate. The fourth defendant isn't here. The man playing Thomas Jefferson hasn't sobered up yet.

Harry

Little bit too much Yankee Doodle Brandy?

Dan

About ten minutes ago he stuck a feather down his throat and threw up macaroni.

Dan

You saved me by convincing him I was a... worthless, degenerate, piece of human... trash.

Dan

DRINKS ARE ON ME!

Christine

The man is proud of it.

Tell you one thing he's not very proud of: his name. You know he changed it?

Harry

Oh, yeah. We met his parents, we know his name used to be Ellmore.

Oh, not just his last name, his first name too.

Christine

You mean's Dan's name isn't "Dan"?

No, it's...

Dan

Uh, Ernie? Pal, buddy, friend? [makes a slashing motion across his neck]

[smiles] ...Reinhold.

"Reinhold"?

Jack Sullivan

You know that your mother and I dated for a long time. I wanted like hell to propose to her, but I was always broke, and... well, anyway, one day we're at Coney Island. I had eight hot dogs, six candy apples, and a pound of cotton candy - I threw up three times.

Christine

In other words, you had a great time.

Jack Sullivan

The best! We stop at Great Sal's Ball Throw and Lithuanian Deli. I throw the balls and win this ring. And I say to your mother, just kidding, "I think this means we should get married." And your mother gets this funny look on her face, and says... "I'd love to."

Dan

Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late!

Roz

What's the matter, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?

Dan

No. It just so happens that the assistant DAs have a pool going this month to see who gets the most convictions.

Christine

By total volume or percentage?

Dan

Raw tonnage.

Christine

What?

Dan

Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever convicts the most flesh by midnight wins $2,000.

Mac

Talk about living off the fat of the land.

Harry

People versus?

Mac

Wagner.

Harry

Prostitution?

Mac

Positively.

Harry

Prosecution?

Dan

Pictures.

Christine

Objection!

Harry

Grounds?

Christine

Entrapment.

Dan

Ridiculous.

Harry

Reason?

Dan

Witnesses.

Harry

Overruled.

Christine

Darn.

Harry

Plea?

Guilty.

Harry

Motion?

Christine

Leniency?

Harry

Granted.

Christine

Fine?

Harry

Fifty.

Christine

Finished.

Dan

Freebie?

Forget it.

Bull

Sir, your new bowling ball is ready.

Harry

Oh, swell! [pulls out the ball, painted like a giant eyeball] Ha-ha!

Christine

My God, when people see that rolling down the aisle, they're gonna throw up their pretzels.

Harry

How's the crossword puzzle going, Bull?

Bull

I need an eight-letter word for a phrase that contradicts itself.

Harry

"Oxymoron".

Bull

If you don't want to help me, Harry, just say so.

Harry

No, Bull, an oxymoron is two words that cancel each other out. You know, like, "jumbo shrimp."

Christine

"Bitter sweet."

Dan

"Free love."

Bull

I understand.

Mac

Yeah, that's a good one too.

Christine

You know, I'm starting to worry about Roz. That disciplinary hearing of hers is taking forever.

Bull

What's the big deal? Some guy started a fight in a holding cell, she yanked him out.

Dan

Perhaps the fact that she neglected to open the door first had something to do with it.

Mac

Sir, I cannot believe you didn't take the challenge!

Roz

Where is your pride?

Christine

Rip his guts out and use 'em for garters, sir! [off their looks] Metaphorically speaking, Your Honor.

Harry

Don't you guys understand? I-I don't want to beat Cleaver. I just want to spend my few remaining years in... peaceful contemplation. [beeping] What's that?

Roz

It's coming from Cleaver's briefcase.

Harry

I'M GONNA WASTE THE SUCKER!

Christine

You know, Dan, you could get into a lot of trouble for impersonating a military officer.

Dan

It just so happens that I am an officer in the United States Army Reserves.

Mac

Get out!

Dan

No, it's true. In fact, I've been in the Reserves for five years. I mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer...

Bull

Like going to the bathroom. [stares from everyone] ...What?

[to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat] "U.S. Army sad to say that sometime yesterday/ Captain Fielding's plane went down north of Hudson Bay."

Christine

[reading] "Although a body has not been found, he is presumed dead at the scene."

Bull

[singing] Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream!

Harry

Miss Sullivan, in this case I happen to think Dan is more qualified.

Christine

Why, because he has a pair of... [notices Roz staring at her] ...pants?

Roz

[disappointed] Chicken!

Christine

Bull, I'm sure if you just tell Roz what happened, she'll understand.

Roz

[storms in] When I find the butthead who stole my coffee mug, I'm gonna yank his shorts out through his nose!

Bull

[whispers to Mac] Would that hurt?

Mac

Oh, yeah.

Dan

Tell you what. If you feel up to it, I know a place around the corner that serves a great cappuccino. And if we get there before eleven, you can watch me wrestle a live, large Swede woman.

Christine

Maybe not all in one night.