Dan Elmore quotes from Night Court

Mac

Next case—people vs... Ted!

Harry

Ted?!

Christine

[smugly] Good ol' Ted.

Harry

I don't get it. Why are you dressed like that?

Dan

Apparently, our former colleague was in the midst of an appendectomy when he was arrested for impersonating a surgeon.

Harry

Why would a lawyer want to impersonate a doctor?

Dan

Further complications. It seems he's not a lawyer, either.

Harry

Not a lawyer?

Roz

Not a lawyer?

Mac

Not a lawyer?

Not a lawyer?!

Christine

Lisette, could you read that back to me?

[in different voices] "Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer? Not a lawyer?!"

Christine

Thank you.

Dan

[seeing his sister and Bull in matching bathrobes] Bull? Please, tell me you didn't sleep together.

Bull

Heavens, no. We only had sex.

Dan

Hi, pumpkin!

Don't "pumpkin" me, Dan Fielding. How dare you treat me the way you did last night?

Bull

Dan, what did you do to this poor girl?

Dan

Nothing!

Exactly! I go out of my way to land the great Dan Fielding, the prince of passion, the carnal commando. And I end up with Captain Kangaroo!

Dan

[cowering] Tammy, you're upsetting me. You've never talked to me like this before.

Get used to it, jerkface, 'cause no yuppy-trash, slimeball creep walks out on me!

Dan

Now, wait a sec... Slimeball... creep. That rings a bell, too. You were saying? [Tammy slaps him] A stinging sensation on my cheek. I remember that, too. Once more, please. [Another slap] Oh, yes. It's all coming back to me now.

What's coming back to you?

Dan

Whoa. Every...thing!

Roz

Dan, I'm going around the world!

Dan

Big deal. I did that last night with Angela.

Dan

Miss Mass Transit did not win because I received any special favors.

Christine

Oh, come on, Dan, you have the gall to say you didn't sleep with her?

Dan

Oh, no, I slept with her.

Christine

See there?!

Dan

But I also slept with Miss Crosstown Bus, Miss Turnstile, and Miss Elevated Platform. I mean, when it came to the Miss Mass Transit Pageant, I got off at every stop.

Dan

Lisette, give me your hand.

Why?

Dan

Well, I need it for Chapter 7: The Delicate Art of Touch.

Well, what are you gonna do with it?

Dan

I need it so I can make you feel relaxed, now give it to me!

Harry

More surrogacy training, Dan?

Dan

Dr. Weeks's course is very thorough.

Roz

Unlike her screening process.

Dan

[holding Lisette hand in right and following instructions with left] "Foreplay should be the most important part of lovemaking. Starting with the fingers, gently trace up your partner's arm. Caress the shoulder with care, delicately massaging each muscle while isolating each key erogenous zone." [His hand goes over Lisette's face, making her very hot] What's wrong with you?

Nothing, baby.

Roz

Huh?

[snapping out] Boy, is my hair dirty? I think I'll go take a cold shower.