Harry Stone quotes from Night Court

Judge Stone, will you be represented by counsel?

Harry

I will be representing myself, Your Honor.

"He who represents himself has a fool for a client." Who said that?

Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Who cares?

You a Shriner, Stone?

Harry

No, I picked that up at the Goodwill in the Village.

That's where I got my Captain Video helmet!

Harry

You got a Captain Video helmet?

You didn't invent whimsy, you know. I'm not senile, Stone, I've been like this for fifty years. So even if I do become senile, people will never know. Come to think of it, I won't know either, will I?

Harry

Listen, Judge Landis...

Shut up, I'm old, I can talk as long as I want.

Dan

Objection!

Harry

Overruled.

Dan

Exception!

Harry

Noted.

Dan

Frustration!

Harry

Vented.

Harry

Come on, guys. No reason not to try something just because it's new, right? Oh, I can't believe what chickens you guys are. Come on, food is not just something to eat, it's something to... [snaps fingers] celebrate!

Bull

[hands him a fork] Have a ball.

This doesn't sound like a simple case of indigestion to me. In my opinion, you should see a doctor right away.

Billie

[confused] Well, you're a doctor, aren't you?

Gynecologist. [Dan bursts out laughing.] Come on, you people are lucky I happened to be eating in that place.

Harry

Well, I appreciate the help, Doc, but you're a little out of your league, aren't you?

Dan

Let's just say his league has a lower strike zone. [laughs] I'm sorry, it was so easy.

How often do you get these pains, Judge?

Harry

Oh, every now and then.

Once a week, once a day...?

Dan

You ought to let him know when they're five minutes apart, Harry. [laughs] This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!

Dan

We of the warm-blooded variety feel an adjournment is in order.

Harry

You mean shut down?

Harry

Nah!

Dan

You've got about seventeen layers of clothes on under that robe, haven't you, sir?

Harry

It's good to be the king.

Harry

Mr. Sleighbough, when did you first discover you had this talent to become invisible?

Well, it came on sort of gradual. See, at first, I was just boring, but then I became inconspicuous.

Harry

Oh.

Yeah, you know, like I'd be waiting in a doctor's office or restaurant or a barber shop. You know, whatever, and finally they'd say, "oh, I didn't see you there." That's when it first began to take hold.

Harry

And now?

I'm fully invisible! Yeah, I can be standing on the corner, yelling and waving my arms, cabbies, they go right by, never even notice me!

Harry

In New York City, imagine that.

Dan

[about his parents] Those people represent everything I have fought to get away from my entire life.

Harry

Dan, they can't be that bad.

Dan

My God, Harry! They're Democrats!

Harry

...I stand corrected.

Billie

Did you hit him?

Harry

I think he hit himself.

Billie

Oh, as long as somebody did.

Harry

Arnold? (Arnold turns) You would have been a good judge.

(beams) I was a good judge.

Harry

Pardon the presumption, but I'm getting the impression that you two lived through sixty-five years of marital...

Agony.

Harry

Thanks. Why?

We're just waiting for the children to die.

Not that we want them to die, of course...

Harry

Of course.

It's just that divorce can be so damaging. We were only thinking of the boys.

Harry

The boys?

Little Freddie will be sixty-four in April.

And the baby just retired.

Bull

What is it, Dirk?

Prisoner's manifest. Oh, I took Grayson down to Women's detention.

Bull

WOMEN'S detention?

Harry

Dirk, Grayson's a man.

No. There was a dress.

Bull

It was a man wearing a dress.

Harry

Didn't you notice the mustache, and three day's growth?

Well, I thought she was rather...severe looking.

Bull

Where is he now?

Right below us, room 1706.

Harry

1706? Isn't that where they do the...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Bull

Strip search.

Dan

The Plaintiff asked for change of a dollar, when these five pulled out these weapons and held him at bay until the transit police arrived.

We thought he was crazy! We thought he was insane!

Harry

What did he do?

He talked to us.

Christine

Sir, these are not a group of thugs. These are ordinary people, simply frightened about the increased violence on the subways.

Harry

What is that weapon?

Christine

...Surface-to-Air missile launcher, sir.

It wasn't loaded, sir. I was just using it for intimidation!

Harry

People, people! Don't you see that you are just contributing to the problem? You're tearing a hole in the fabric that binds us together as civilized human beings. What I'm trying to say is...

We don't get the guns back?

Harry

[giving up] No, you don't get the guns back!

Christine

[Dressed as a witch] Sir, I don't want to be nosy...

Harry

[Pulls her fake nose off] You were saying?

Christine

I know she meant a lot to you, but you've got to forget about her.

Harry

You're right, Miss Sullivan, and that costume really helps a lot.

[Arriving as a biker] Can we make this quick? I have a costume party to go to after this.

Bull

[Dressed as a kangaroo] Anybody want punch?

Harry

Sure Bull, I'll have some.

Bull

How did you know it was me?

You played Hockey before the mandatory helmet rule, didn't you? [Bull nods]

Dan

[Arriving as Humpty Dumpty] Happy?

Harry

I guess he isn't such a bad egg after all.

Quon Le

[Comes out of the kitchen as a Black Widow] Everybody ready for pumpkin pizza?

Christine

Nice costume Quon Le, but why a spider?

Quon Le

Wasn't there one in that nursery rhyme? "Along came a spider, and sat down beside her, and frightened Miss Muffet away."

Mac

[Coming out dressed like Miss Muffet] The first person to touch my tuffet DIES!

Dan

I don't understand it, Harry. Some things in this world should not be meddled with: Nature, humanity...

Harry

Coca-Cola.

Dan

Exactly.