Harry Stone quotes from Night Court

Bull

The guy in the dress wants another strip search.

Harry

What a sickie.

Bull

Yeah.

Harry

I mean, gloves with a cocktail dress?

Harry

Yakov Korolenko.

Hello, Joe.

Harry

Might we have a language problem here?

Liz

We definitely might, Your Honor. My client speaks only a few words of English and we haven't been able to find a Russian interpreter.

Harry

But we are working on it.

Liz

Yes, sir.

I understand you're looking for somebody who speaks Russian.

Harry

Do you speak Russian?

No, but I'll give it a shot.

Harry

[after Yakov threatens to burn down the courtroom] All right. Everyone, clear out of here.

Lana

Harry, we are not gonna leave you here alone.

Dan

I really don't think this is the time to question the judge's authority.

Liz

I'm not leaving either.

Dan

Will you listen to yourselves, people?

Harry

Liz!

Liz

This is my client and I'm staying. What we have here is a frightened, lonely, confused human being. A stranger in our land alone in his misery and I, for one, will not desert him in this, this desperate time of need. [Liz handcuffs herself to Yakov]

Harry

The police have cordoned off the whole building. They're not letting anyone else in who doesn't have business with the court.

Liz

So how many--?

Harry

Got in? They estimate there's a couple of hundred of them roaming around the building.

Dan

Thank God they're sealed in here with us, and not out on the streets terrorizing the public.

Harry

Come in.

Guess who?

Harry

Well if it isn't my favorite yellow journalist.

You're too kind.

Harry

What is it, Craven?

What is it? Jennifer Black is it, and you are its current lover.

Harry

Craven, we met briefly, we had coffee and then I took her right back to her hotel.

How does she take it?

Harry

I beg your pardon?

Her coffee. My public likes to know that kind of stuff.

Harry

Your public moved their lips when they read.

Your Honor, come on, huh? I figured you'd give me the inside story because of our close, personal relationship.

Harry

Craven, our close, personal relationship is that of a tick to a dog.

(nods as if understanding, then points to himself) Tick, right?

Harry

Bull, where did that baby come from?

Bull

You don't know where babies come from, sir?

Harry

Reynolds, Guy T. 629 Bleecker Street.

May I remove my coat, Your Honor?

Harry

Sure.

No!

Harry

Miss Williams?

Dan

Your Honor, the charge.

Harry

"Indecent exposure." You almost got me on that one, didn't you, Mr. Reynolds?

That charge is ridiculous, Your Honor. I'm not a pervert. I'm a nudist.

Harry

All right, that's enough. Mr. Reynolds, what you do in the privacy of your own home is one thing but what you do at the Chock Full o'Nuts at Fourth and Lexington is quite another.

That was the point, Your Honor. To bring the subject out into the open. Discuss it, create a forum.

Dan

Your Honor, what Mr. Reynolds apparently created was a stampede when he stood atop the coffee counter, disrobed and sang, "Hey, Look Me Over."

Don't you see? Our clothing inhibits us, people. Nudity allows us to be open to each other.

Harry

Great little icebreaker, no doubt. But, Mr. Reynolds quite frankly, I don't wanna know you that well.

All I can say is, if you don't go nude, you're missing a wonderful experience. It's-well it's indescribable.

Harry

Yeah well, I'm gonna describe it as a Class A misdemeanor and I'm gonna fine you $160.

Liz

Hi Selma, how did it go?

Selma

How did what go?

Liz

Oh, come on, Selma. Don't keep us all in suspense. How did the date go with Bernie?

Selma

Oh, that.

Liz

Selma, you don't have to give us all the details. What time did you get home?

Selma

Well, if you must know, very early.

Bull

You didn't have a good time?

Selma

I didn't say that.

Harry

You said you got home early.

Selma

I got home around midnight. Bernie got home around noon. Ready when you are!

Harry

What’s next, Mac?

Mac

Do the words “chow down” ring a bell, sir?

Dan

Your honor, we are starving. Please call a dinner break.

Bull

Sir, you can’t ignore your dinner date forever.

Harry

Hey, one more case. We’ll work up an appetite.

Mac

That’s what you said an hour ago, sir. And mine’s worked up real nice, I mean it’s ready for something raw.

Dan

Your Honor, if we do not eat, we will grow weak and then die on your floor.

Harry

…Next case, Mac?

Mac

…Anita Fries VS Arnold Burger, your honor.

Harry

Bull, call them in.

Bull

Burger and Fries, please. [A hooker and a man with his hand over his eye walk in]

Dan

Anita Fries, your honor. She’s charged with solicitation, prostitution, [Pulls man’s arm away to reveal a black eye] and assault.

Harry

In the interest of time, let’s try and keep out the insignificant details. Specifically the graphic ones.

She took my money, and she won’t give it back.

I have a strict no-refund policy.

Dan

Your honor, apparently Ms. Fries provided neither... ”goods nor services”.

Billie

He’s a pervert.

Dan

Oh, come on. One little comment does not make me a...

Harry

Mr. Prosecutor, I believe she was referring to your client.

Billie

Your honor, my client would like to show the demands made by Mr. Burger. [Hands him a piece of paper]

Harry

This is a shopping list.

This sicko gets his kicks off of food. He gives me fifty bucks, and tells me to spend it on ice cream, whipped cream, sprinkles, and cherries.

They're in season.

You want to hear what he wanted me to do with this stuff?

Harry

No, I don’t.

He wanted me to smear it...

Harry

All right. One hour meal break.

Jack Sullivan

Hey, judge!

Harry

Yeah?

Jack Sullivan

You're scum!

Harry

Mister, I was patient before, now I'm giving you one more chance to get a grip on yourself.

Jack Sullivan

I hate your filthy, rotten, stinking, slime-soaked guts!

Harry

Okay. (bangs gavel) Contempt of court.

When I found Velma, she was an emotional wreck!

Harry

Sudden fame, instant money. We've seen it a thousand times before, haven't we, Mr. Blair?

It killed Morris.

Billie

I know you don't agree with me, but...

Harry

I agree with you.

Billie

I don't expect you to... You agree with me?

Harry

Sure. I probably would have done the same thing.

Billie

[muttering] They told me you were nuts.

Harry

Beg pardon?

Billie

I... if you agree with me, why am I in jail?

Harry

Call it a whim. I have this thing about upholding the law. Billie, what you did was noble, it really was, and as a person I can admire it.

Billie

But as a judge?

Harry

Cough up the cat.

Harry

Bull, you look depressed.

Bull

I am. My word of the month is so obscure I can't find an opportunity to use it in conversation.

Harry

What word is that?

Bull

"Pentimento."

Harry

[after a beat, turns to Dan] So how about that Jets game last night, huh?

Billie

Bull, what exactly does pentimento mean?

Bull

It's an artistic term, referring to the reappearance of original elements that had been obliterated by a new outer appearance.

Dan

You mean like that little brown shadow on top of your head that you affectionately refer to as hair?

Bull

Good example!

Knock knock!

Harry

You caught me at a bad time, Craven - I'm here.

Oh, that's funny, that's very good.

Harry

I'm surprised that scandal sheet you write for is still in business.

Are you kidding? Misery is a moneymaker! [laughs] Hey, did you read my story last week? "Family In Hackensack Barbecues Brother!"

Harry

I don't read the Food section.

Aw, come on, Your Honor, there must be a story. Little sex, little violence, that's all I'm looking for!

Harry

Bad timing, Craven. Nothing bloodcurdling on the docket tonight.

Ah, what a world. I mean, people have knives. Why don't they use them?

Dan

Mr. Hubbell was on his way to a seminar on subway hospitality, when he was mugged outside of City Hall.

They took everything. My wallet, my keys, my cash...

Billie

And after pleading with several passer-bys for bus fare, Mr. Hubbell attempted to panhandle from a group of Japanese tourists. They turned him down.

Harry

And?

Dan

He mugged them. Your Honor, the state wishes to submit evidence. We have affidavits from the victims, some shredded yen, and over seventy action-packed photographs of the incident.