Harry Stone quotes from Night Court

Mac

Okay, Bull, what do Renée Richards, Christine Jorgensen, and Myra Breckinridge all have in common?

Bull

They're all people... I've never heard of.

Harry

[bangs gavel] Next.

Christine

Okay. Once upon a time, there was a mommy bird and a daddy bird. And one day, the daddy bird decided that he wanted to be a mommy bird. So he flew all the way to Sweden to a special clinic where they change things.

Bull

What things?

Harry

[bangs gavel again] Next.

Bull

[holding a paper doll of a naked man] This is anatomically correct.

Harry

For some of us, maybe.

Bull

Now, what happened to Chip? [Harry snips off the bottom half and staples it back in a higher position] Oh, my God.

Harry

Kinda reminds you of when you found out about the Easter Bunny, huh?

Bull

What about the Easter Bunny?

Dan Fielding

Look, I am sorry you were born... that way.

That's exactly what my father said. Just before he left.

Harry Stone

Your father left?

I guess it was rough on him. His friends' sons played baseball. His carried the water bucket. His friends' sons played football. His carried the water bucket. To this day, I go crazy every time I go by a drinking fountain!

Dan Fielding

You mean your father walked out on you just because you were... petite?

The night before he left, I heard him tell my mother that it was his fault. He said that I was a punishment from God. But my mother was an intelligent and caring woman. And she finally explained it to me, that it wasn't my inadequacies he couldn't deal with.

It was his own.

Dan Fielding

[guiltily] Is it true you can hang yourself with your own belt?

Harry Stone

You can do it with your own words.

Dan Fielding

[stands] Vincent, I am truly sorry for everything that I said and did. You may shoot me in the vital organ of your choice.

Apology accepted. I'll get back to you on which organ.

Dan Fielding

You're taking me back?

Yes. Because I think you're being sincere. Also, I've seen your conviction record. You're good.

But most of all I'm taking you back because it will give me the opportunity to make your life a LIVING HELL! You think you're a tough customer? Well, move over, Buster! Because I'm the toughest, I'm the meanest, I'm the nastiest little man God ever put on this earth! I'm going to make you run, I'm going to make you jump, I am going to make you slither on the ground like a snake!

Dan Fielding

GOD BLESS YOU!

I don't understand him.

Harry Stone

Neither do I. But together we can have some fun abusing him until we do.

There was this girl. 17, beautiful girl, dark complexion, dark hair, and a welt under her eye where her husband had hit her. She was pregnant for the third time, I think. And the DA said they lived in a rat-infested place on the Lower East Side. She said she wanted her husband to stop hitting her. And as soon as I indicated that I'd send him to jail, zip! She changed her testimony, said she was lying! She didn't want her husband to go to jail! He brought home money so the family could eat! All she wanted was for him to stop hitting her! Well, Harry, I can't make him stop! IN 25 YEARS, I'VE NEVER MADE ANYBODY STOP!

Harry

I'm sorry.

God's in his heaven... but all's not quite right in the world.

Am I sick, Harry?

Harry

Maybe a little. But mostly, I'd say you're real, real tired.

[laughing softly] Ho-ho, tired... oh, I could sleep for a million years. If the bed they strap me down to is comfortable, I probably will.

Harry

Art, Art, Art, dear, dear Art, please don't think I'm trying to pry... [seizes Art by his sterile mask] ...but what the hell are you doing?

I got a work order here to fumigate the entire building. We've got a problem with termites.

Harry

How big a problem?

[into his phone] I, uh... I'll have to get back to you, Mac.

Mac

[at his desk, into his own phone] I understand.

Nancy Hines from Records. I have some data for you.

Dan

Thanks. Toss it in there, please.

Sorry, I was asked to toss it up here. [She hits Dan in the face with a chocolate cream pie to everyone's amusement] It's from a friend.

Dan

It was... one of you, wasn't it?

Florence

And it was worth every penny! [laughs]

Harry

Flo, that is very nice, but you don't have to cover for me. I called them, Dan!

Christine

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You two don't have to cover for me. I was the one that called them!

Mac

Uh-uh, uh-uh! It was me!

Dan

You want the truth? It was all of you.

Harry

...It was?

Dan

[laughs] I knew you couldn't resist it. I knew you would want me. I made a deal with the guy out in the hall. I said if he took the money, just for one hit, and gave me the rest, I wouldn't sue him!

Mac

You knew we all called!

Dan

Yes, I knew! You hate me! You all hate me! Everybody hates me! [He leans into Christine, his face still covered with chocolate cream.] For the first time in my life, I'm taking advantage of being me.

Christine

[unable to look at him] You allowed yourself to be humiliated for a few hundred dollars?

Florence

Are you crazy? He'd French-kiss a buffalo for a few hundred dollars.

Mac

[hangs up the phone] They said they might be able to get a hostage negotiator over here in... [checks watch] Two hours.

[aghast] Two hours?

Mac

They said all their people are tied up right now.

Tied up with what?

Mac

Rope. They're being held hostage by a militant splinter faction of Up with People.

[shakes head] It was only a matter of time.

I understand your feelings. It's never easy, delivering a blow like this. I suppose you think I enjoy this sort of thing... [spins around, grinning widely] I DO! I'm sorry, I gotta be honest! I live for this kind of thing! I love it! [laughs]

[sarcastic] Well, that's a relief. I was afraid I wasn't getting through to him.

Harry

That is a desperately sick lie!

Christine

That... is the truth.

Harry

Mac, say it ain't so.

Mac

It's so.

Bull

This is Rozalind Russell.

Dan

Hello! I'm Mr. Ed!

Harry

Rozalind Russell, that's a neat name.

Roz

My mother was a show business freak.

Harry

Ah.

Roz

I do, however, feel more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa.

Christine

Oh, the poor thing.

Roz

That's what my brother says.

Harry

Your brother...?

Roz

Slappy.

Bull

Harry's mother abandoned him when he was five years old. He hasn't seen her in thirty years.

Roz

My brother hasn't seen my mother in over thirty years.

Bull

Your brother...?

Roz

Topo Gigio.

Buddy

[about Harry's mother] Harry, she went into a psychiatric institution after she left you. That's where we met.

Harry

I'm gonna go out on a limb here... you weren't on the staff, were you?

Buddy

But I'm feeling much better now.

Harry

He saved Christine?

Bull

It's true. If Dan hadn't been carrying this card, she wouldn't be with us today.

Harry

[reads card] "Wanda's Whip Emporium"?

Dan

The other side.

Harry

Oh. [reads] "Step 1, give a swift blow to the victim's back to clear air passage. Step 2, clear the mouth of any foreign objects."

Mac

"Step 3, loosen constrictive clothing."

Dan

Better to be safe than sorry.

Dan

[runs to the bench] Your Honor, circumstances of an very extremely urgent personal nature have arisen and regrettably force me to ask for a recess.

Harry

[not looking up] Sex or money, Dan?

Dan

[feigning offense] Oh, I'm hurt! Oh, I'm offended! I mean, that you would jump to such an assumption. Has it ever occurred to you I could be in the midst of a dire personal tragedy? [Harry gives him a look] Sex.