[After getting an audience member to replace Preston]
What is your name?
Ed.
Hello, Preston.
S2020x03
What do you do in your real life?
Um, a well driller.
A well driller.
Drill bore holes.
EEd
Water wells or oil wells?
Neither.
EEd
Ah! What other kind of wells are there? Is it a lemonade well?
Fyfe, Fyfe, do you find it difficult to perform without office equipment?
FFyfe
Yes.
Do you want a hole punch?
FFyfe
Yes.
[He begins squeezing it]
Hang on, sorry I didn't think that through...sorry, a silent hole punch. How about a desk tidy?
FFyfe
Nah, nah.
PostIt notes?
FFyfe
Right... [He storms off the set]
Oh, no.
[Laughter. Fyfe comes back]
Lucky I didn't get to the lever arch file!
[After failing to guess a song]
Anne, what about this one?
[He plays the Neighbours theme song]
AAnne
Right, that's it!
[She moves to stand up]
No, no, no, no!
[After a particularly bad joke]
If you'd like to write jokes for the show, all you need is a crayon.
EBEd Byrne
Can we get the Paris Hilton look-alike something to suck on so she looks more convincing?
I've never met anyone from the public before!
So yeah, so who, uh...not who...how many...not, not that either...uh...
You've fallen to bits since you lost Preston.
[Reading an intro] "Call me, call me anytime..."?
Your call may be recorded for staff training purposes.
[Simon gives Fyfe the lever arch file]
FFyfe
It's not the best comedy prop, really, is it?
Oh, I dunno, it's got two good laughs.
BBill
It's still here...
[Simon hugs Preston's fill-in]
Thank God for you!!
S2020x04
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Nicholas Hoult, Midge Ure, Romeo Stodart, Russell Howard
[Opening the show, with a reference to Preston walking out in the previous show and some of the comments Preston made to the press about his treatment on the show]
Hello, and welcome to "budget, late-night indie-show" Never Mind the Buzzcocks. I'm "bitter, snotty-faced little public schoolboy" Simon Amstell, and I'd like to begin with an apology. On last week's show I upset Preston from Preston and Chantelle. I realise now they are better than me. Preston is a wonderful singer and Chantelle invented the popular saying "Oh my God!" I was unfair in my representation of Chantelle's book. It's not bad, there are some really interesting bits. (Pulls out Chantelle's book and starts to read from it) "Suddenly..." Okay! (Puts book down again) I hope we can all move on now!
Oooohhh, Vienna! And being Scottish it really does mean nothing to me! Phil's first guest is legendary Band Aid co-creator and former Ultravox frontman Midge Ure. Midge is also known for being the best mate of Sir Bob Geldof... and for his cheeky catchphrase "Where's my sodding knighthood?"
[Following from last show where Preston walked out]
I mean, I don't want to go on about it...but if people start turning their backs on comedy and walking off panel shows...then the terrorists have won.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.