Fornell quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

Who do you work for Tobias? Homeland Security or the FBI?

World's on my shoulders Gibbs.

Gibbs

World made of paper.

Kinda defeats the purpose of e-mail when you have to print it all out for the file anyway.

Gibbs

Yeah. That's why I don't use it.

Really? Not because you can't figure out how to work it?

[in disbelief] You think the kid's Kamal? He would have had to start when he was eight years old!

Tony

Not if he's the new Dread Pirate Roberts.

Abby

[gasps] I love The Princess Bride! "No one would ever surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley."

Tony

[turns his laugh into a cough] Uh, the Dread Pirate Roberts picks a successor, trains him, starts calling him "Roberts," then settles into a cushy retirement. It's the name Kamal that sells the business.

Gibbs

What happened to your face?

What happened to your arm?

Gibbs

The job.

Same.

Ducky

A mutual saving of a life is a powerful bond. [chuckles and points to Gibbs and Fornell] As evidenced by the two of you.

[to Gibbs] Oh, is that why we're friends?

Gibbs

It's more like shared misery.

God knows you've got enough to go around.

Gibbs

Hey! I'm a happy guy.

Since when?

Gibbs

You don't know what I've been doing. I haven't seen you in months.

Whose fault is that? You only call when you need something.

Gibbs

Well, apparently when I need grief.

Thanks for doing it my way.

Gibbs

Yeah, don't mention it.

I was being facetious.

Gibbs

Yeah, me too.

[he and Gibbs walk into Director Vance's office without knocking and turn on the tv] You have a surveillance camera in the conference room now. Hope you don't have on in the elevator.

Vance

[is crouching behind desk going through files] We don't, not yet at least, Agent Fornell. [sits up] How can I help you?

Gibbs

To borrow your tv.

Vance

And my copy of Emily Post. Door was closed.

Gibbs

I thought you were in MTAC.

Vance

Well, we all make mistakes. That's why God invented knocking. McGee's int he conference room interviewing Susan Grady.

You sure you don't have a camera in the elevator?

Vance

When I do, you'll be the first to know, Agent Fornell.

Gibbs

You were supposed to be here an hour ago.

My daughter had a performance at school, I told you. Be nice to me. I'v just spent two hours with our ex-wife.

Gibbs

Yeah! She mention my name?

Not for years.

Gibbs

Heh, you shaved your beard!

That's very observant.

Gibbs

What is that?

It's rice.

Gibbs

I thought you were picking up cheeseburgers.

It's lamb curry from the Punjab Express.

Gibbs

We both agreed we hate that place.

We did, but I got a twofer coupon in the mail.

You get an invitation to Diane's wedding?

Gibbs

Yeah. I got three.

Three. [Gibbs nods his head] Woman always was persistent.

Gibbs

Tobias, she's a pain in the butt.

You going?

Gibbs

Are you?

You know, Jethro, if it weren't for Diane, we wouldn't have the kind of relationship that...[Gibbs looks at him]...we have.

Gibbs

[amused] Tobias, you've always been a "glass half-full" kind of guy.

[smiles] Never have to pay alimony again.

Gibbs

I'm not sure how to say this...

I do. Look, we are not your personal buddy-cop investigative service.

Diane

No, you're just my ex-husbands. And I need your help.

Diane

Victor and I have a good relationship.

Diane

He knows how to treat a woman. [Fornell looks at Gibbs] He's not afraid to show emotion like some people.

[sarcastically to Gibbs] She talking about us?

Diane

He's not some immature child that relates better to guns than to people...

Gibbs

[hands up] Okay, okay. We get it.

Diane

I know a Customs Agent I can talk to, see if he'll issue a BOLO on similar shipments. That might shed some light. Tobias, go back to the FBI and do the same thing. Jethro, MTAC. See if there's any new intel on Syria, North Korea or Iran.

...Did she just give us orders?

Gibbs

Yeah. But they're good ones.

[annoyed] I know!

How was the desert? They say it's the dry heat. [Gibbs flings his scarf into Fornell's face as he walks to his desk]

Tony

Welcome back, Boss.

Gibbs

What've we got?

The usual. Went to hell while you were gone.

Tony

I've got sniper slugs in my living room. The Duckman found a rat in his lab. And, uh, there's a terrorist named Parso...

Gibbs

Yeah I know all that, DiNozzo.

Tony

Of course you do.

Gibbs

Yeah, he's ok. [slaps Parsons hard on the back]

[awkwardly] It's nice to see that you guys are alive and well. [looks at an unimpressed McGee and Tony] Look, I'm sorry about the––

I want my badge back!

[Gibbs looks at him] Yeaaahh. I can understand that. Not a problem. [Fornell looks at Parsons in amusement] Now that the case is, uh... [sees Gibbs looking him intently]...dismissed, I'll talk with Director Vance about it.

Tony

[still unimpressed] Thank you, Dick.

You know, I'm not gonna kiss you goodnight.

Gibbs

[incredulously] What??

Why are you walking me to my car? We breaking up?

Gibbs

If I could I would but unfortunately I trust you.

Tony

[whispers to Gibbs] That's funny, that looks like your ex-wife.

Champagne first, and then a little...

Well, tie me up and call me Loretta.

Gibbs

[blinks] Wow.

Tony

Wowsers.

Bishop

So Agent Fornell was married to Gibbs' ex-wife?

Tony

[grins] Yup.

Bishop

And the owner of the second cellphone from our crime scene was dating Gibbs' ex-wife?

McGee

Yup.

Bishop

Phoah. That's quite a coincidence.

Tony

[chuckles] I know. It really is.

McGee

You know, it's hard to imagine the same woman liking Fornell and this Eddie guy. Although maybe Diane liked him because he's not Fornell.

Best to leave the psychoanalysis to Ducky. If you value breathing.

McGee

[looks behind to Bishop] Bishop, you could've warned me.

Bishop

[innocently] You said I wasn't supposed to do that!

Gibbs

[walks in] Tobias, hey, what are you doing here?

Just thought you might need some help. Diane's really worried. Just want to put her mind at ease.

Gibbs

[smirks] Yeah, uh-huh.

You shot me... in the caboose. You owe me.