Jimmy Palmer quotes from NCIS

Ducky

Ah, nice timing, Jethro. I thought you'd like to see what we found in our scans. Or rather what we didn't find.

Palmer

[gleefully] His brain is missing!

Ducky

There's no need to get so excited, Mr. Palmer.

Palmer

You're very calm.

Abby

I am. If I keep going to Crazytown every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to have my mail forwarded.

Abby

Ducky!

Ducky

Abby? Oh, how nice of you to visit.

Abby

Oh, they gave you morphine?

Ducky

Just a drop.

Gibbs

Duck, can you tell me anything about the woman who attacked you?

Ducky

My... my glasses?

Ducky

Oh, how nice of you to have held on to them while I went under the knife. Ironic, isn't it, that one knife should be the solution to... Mr. Palmer, would you please finish that thought for me?

Palmer

Sure, doctor.

Ducky

And you'll need to send for a replacement medical examiner. Uh, Jordan...

Palmer

Dr. Hampton?

Ducky

Yes. On my desk you'll find her number. While I myself lie here, getting much "numb-er." [chuckles] Nurse, more anesthetic, and don't spare the horses...

Abby

Okay, he's zonked out of his gourd, and he's still playing with words. Impressive.

Oh, you prefer Jimmy?

Palmer

Um, Jim Palmer was a pitcher for the Orioles, I was named after him, but I have never really liked baseball.

Noted. Well, please, you may call me Jordan. I was named after a body of water towards which I bear no ill will.

Palmer

This reminds me of my junior year abroad. I was staying with a family outside of Lyons who spoke only French, and my French was... okay at best. Now, whatever you may think of the people of France, the squirrels are extraordinarily friendly. So I had to explain to them my fear of squirrels. You see, in D.C. there are brown squirrels and black squirrels, and at a time, black squirrels carried rabies. So my mother used to bait traps with peanut butter, capture the squirrels and release them on the other side of the river. But I confused the word écureuil, which means "squirrel," with the much-less accurate requin, which means, uh... "shark."

Ducky

How they must have pictured your strange homeland with your shark-hunting mother.

Gibbs

Ooh. It smells like a French whorehouse in here.

Palmer

[referring to his new cologne] That's me.

Gibbs

What are you trying to do, Palmer? Raise the dead?

Tony

McGee would know. Head shots are his specialty.

Ducky

What?

Palmer

He's referring to a videogame he's been playing way too much.

Ducky

Ah.

Tony

What's this surprising bit of editorializing coming from the once and future king of dorkland?

Palmer

Hey, I now have a girlfriend.

Tony

The king is dead. [gripping McGee's shoulder] Long live the king.

Palmer

It wasn't sand sand, like good sand. It was bad sand. Very bad sand. It made me break out in red welts.

Ducky

It wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.

Palmer

The sand might what?

Ducky

The sand mite bit you.

Palmer

Sand bites?

Ducky

Well, sand mites might bite.

Palmer

I'm grammatically lost.

Ducky

But medically found. The tiny crustacean known as the mite. M-i-t-e.

Tony

Dear God... someone fed him after midnight.

Ziva

Jimmy, what happened to you?

Palmer

It turns out I am really allergic to henna. I can't reach back there, so do you think you guys could...?

Tony

I'm late for a squash game!

Ziva

I'm sorry, I've got to get the hell out of here.

Palmer

Please, guys! It really itches!

Tony

That's what girlfriends are for!

Palmer

I can get the top part!

Tony

Stay, stay, stay!

Ziva

No, no, no! Please, do not... that could be very contagious! I may have to hurt you massively.

Tony

She'll do it, she'll do it!

Palmer

I would do it for you!

Ziva

No, you wouldn't!

Palmer

That's one cold-blooded killer. He stops for a hot dog while getting rid of the evidence.

Ducky

It's not uncommon for killers to find themselves unusually hungry after the act.

Ducky

Cellular communication, text messaging, squeaking...

Palmer

Tweeting, Doctor. Like the little yellow canary and the puddy cat. I used to love that cartoon...

Ducky

'Cause he's no longer about method or clue-trail gamemenship, Mr. Palmer. It's about hurting those responsible for putting him in this situation.

Palmer

Situation?

Gibbs

Operation: Frankenstein.

Ducky

Mr. Palmer, what do you suppose the SecNav is saying to him? [referring to Director Vance]

Palmer

Well, if I were him I'd be asking how to get blood out of a $200 white dress shirt. See, it's all about oxygenating the stain. My mother used to use club soda, but my uncle preferred Perrier with a dash of -- the incision. They're probably talking about the incision.

Ducky

[referring to the ringing phone] That's the third time in an hour.

Palmer

I know. I am so sorry. It will not happen again, I promise.

Ducky

There's plenty of time to turn off each other's calls once you're married, Mr. Palmer. I'd advise you not to start before you've even exchanged wedding vows.

Palmer

How did you know it was Breena?

Ducky

You're a man in love. I've been there many times myself. Though not much lately.

Palmer

It's just all this wedding planning stuff has us on edge. She's having a hard time making decisions. I'm just trying to help, and everything I say seems wrong. What should I do?

Gibbs

[walks in] Just give her what she wants.

Palmer

I have no idea what that is.

Gibbs

Welcome to the rest of your life Jim-boy.

Palmer

Perhaps it's time we took a little rest.

Ducky

We will rest when we are dead. Until then, consider John Paul Jones.

Palmer

The Led Zeppelin bassist?

Ducky

No, the naval hero of the American Revolution. He was almost forgotten when he was buried in Paris is 1792. Over a century later President Theodore Roosevelt went to great lengths to locate Jones, exhume his body, and bring him back to America.

Palmer

Home.

Ducky

Precisely. We take great solace in knowing where our heroes are buried.