Jimmy Palmer quotes from NCIS

Palmer

I'm sorry doctor, I'm having a problem with the smell today.

Ducky

Really? I think he smells like my mother's fried chicken.

Palmer

Yeah, that'd be the problem.

Ducky

[to corpse] I suppose a "Bless you" is too much to ask for.

Palmer

Bless you, Doctor.

Ducky

I wasn't talking to you, Mr Palmer.

Palmer

Yeah, most people don't know this, but financial disputes, second-leading cause of divorce.

Ducky

Really? What's number one?

Gibbs

Marriage.

Ducky

I've been traveling to crime scenes for a good many years now, but I can say with total confidence that this is the shortest commute I've ever had.

Palmer

And one of the few times I didn't get us lost.

Ducky

True.

Ziva

What happened to them?

Tony

I told you, it's Halloween.

Ducky

Sorry we're late, we had a run-in with some local youths.

Gibbs

Yeah, I can see that.

McGee

Did you get a good look at 'em?

Ducky

Oh, we did better than that. (to Palmer) Release the captives!

Where are we? We said we're sorry!

Tony

Nice work, Palmer!

Palmer

Oh, it wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them three blocks!

Gibbs

What happened to you?

McGee

Creative differences with my co-workers Boss.

Gibbs

Lot of that going around these days.

Tony

[glares at McGee] Bag and tag the ashes Probie. We'll pick you up after we coordinate with the MPs.

Palmer

Doctor, I'm going to be laying the bag out here and the burrito over here.

McGee

Palmer, I need a favor.

Palmer

You want a ride back with us.

McGee

How'd you know?

Palmer

I read your book. And for your information, I never had sexual relations with a corpse!

McGee

That character was not based on you.

Palmer

His name was Pimmy Jalmer, McGee!

McGee

Well, he's French Polynesian.

From the video presentation it's clear that sexual harassment can take many forms in the workplace. A coworker with elevator eyes looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or photo of a sexual nature.

Tony

If you're lucky.

A coworker's hand accidentally brushes up against your body.

Ziva

If you're really lucky.

Physical contact can be divided into three categories. Green light includes normal behavior. Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as hugging someone...

Yes?

Abby

What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.

You may see it as friendly, but your coworkers may find it offensive.

Abby

You guys get offended when I hug you?!

Abby

[happily] I am hugging you all in my mind right now.

DOD policy is very clear about this point, miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a coworker.

Abby

Like, every time?

Yes. Finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate unwelcome touching.

Another question?

Tony

Uh, yeah. If you slap someone on the back of the head like this... [slaps McGee's head, McGee slaps back] would that be considered inappropriate behavior?

Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?

Tony

...No. Just wondering, that's all.

Yes?

Palmer

What if your job includes touching, ah, naked people...

That is inappropriate at any time.

Palmer

Even if they're dead?

[sternly] Why are you touching dead naked people?!

Palmer

Well, I work in autopsy...

Ducky

Have you ever wondered why perfectly healthy individuals suddenly and occasionally keel over and die, Mr Palmer?

Palmer

Now that you mention it...

Ducky

No no no. It's a trick question. They don't.

Ducky

[...] Humerus

Palmer

I suppose it depends on what you find funny. [Ducky holds up the humerus] Oh.

Ducky

The adult human brain weighs approximately three pounds.

Palmer

Feels like a soggy grape fruit.

Uh, Doctor? Is this natural?

Ducky

[cups his hands and catches the liquid] Certainly not.

What the hell is that?

Ducky

[in horror] This, my dear lieutenant... is murder.

Palmer

How do you do it?

Gibbs

Hmm?

Palmer

Block out fear.

Gibbs

You don't. It's what you do with it.

Abby

Your eyes are getting heavy. All information is recorded in the subconscious mind. I'm going to count down from three. As I'm counting down, you're going to go into a deeper state of relaxation. 3... You're getting calm and relaxed. 2... You're going into a deeper state of comfort. 1... You're in a deep [touches Palmer's forehead with one finger as his eyes close shut] sleep. [gives a surprised thumb's up to McGee who nods in return]

Abby

You're at peace. You have the ability to retrieve any information at will. You have total recall. If at any time, you feel a block to your memory, take a deep breath, [Palmer takes a deep breath] and the block will melt away. Understand?

Palmer

[Nods sleepily]

Abby

Okay, I'm going to take you back to yesterday. You're at the rime scene. You find a passport.

Palmer

Passport?

Abby

Yeah, do you see it? It's vinyl, dark blue.

Palmer

Vinyl?

Abby

Yes.

Palmer

Dark blue?

Abby

Yes. Pick it up.

Palmer

No, I'm gonna get hurt.

Abby

You're safe Jimmy. No one is gonna hurt you. Deep breath. [Palmer takes a deep breath] Good. Okay, you're at the crime scene. You look down and what do you see?

Palmer

[smiles] Leather. Light brown.

Abby

[incredulous] What? [takes a deep breath and then continues] Okay, pick it up and look at it. Are you doing it?

Palmer

Mmhm.

Abby

Okay, what does it say?

Palmer

Cole Hann, low boot, size 7 and a half.

McGee

Sounds like a woman's boot.

Abby

[scolding] Jimmy, put Ziva's boot down. Can you hear me? It's Abby.

Palmer

Oh, Abby... Black, high platforms, Demonia, size 10

Abby

[stand up] Jimmy!

Palmer

[is startled awake] What? What did I say? Did we catch him? Did we learn anything about this guy?

McGee

No, but we certainly learned something about you.

Palmer

Whatever it is, it's not what you think.

McGee

If the shoe fits... [starts walking away and Abby blows out the candles]

Palmer

Wait, wait, where are you going?

McGee

These boots were made for walking.

Gibbs

What are you doing here?!

Palmer

I thought I could help...

Gibbs

What part of "stay" don't you understand?! Stay! Palmer, you stay in the car!

Gibbs

What the hell were you thinking?!

Palmer

I did not get out of the car.

Gibbs

[About the victim] Sleeping?

Ducky

Well there are other reasons why men take their clothes off to go to bed, Jethro.

Gibbs

Any evidence of that?

Palmer

Well he did come to a sticky end. [Awkward silence.] I'll go get the gurney.