Jimmy Palmer quotes from NCIS

Palmer

I agreed to give her father a tour of NCIS while he's in town for the holidays.

Ziva

Well that is nice.

Palmer

Actually I thought Director Vance would nix the idea.

Ziva

You and Breena's dad do not get along?

Palmer

[sits on Gibbs' desk] The last time Ed and I talked was when I asked for his permission to marry Breena. He laughed. And he cried from laughing so hard. And he got really quiet.

Tony

So why is he coming here?

Palmer

Breena wanted us to bond before the wedding. She thinks the main problem with me is my job.

Tony

Autopsy gremlin.

Palmer

Yeah, if we could keep that kind of talk to a minimum while he's here...

Tony

I say it with the utmost respect.

Palmer

I know that, but Ed doesn't. He actually thinks I'm stuck in some government job which pays too little and requires too many hours.

Gibbs

[walks in] You are. Get off my desk.

McGee

How long have they been back there?

Abby

[smiles] Not long enough.

I can't hear a word they're saying.

Palmer

If you hadn't made that remark about her tattoos, we wouldn't be in time-out. [looks at his watch] I've got six minutes left.

Palmer

Good luck.

[scoffs] Yeah, "good luck."

Palmer

Why in the world would you say it like that?

Why? The weather, the road closures. They're never gonna make it.

Palmer

[angry] How the hell would you know? They're trained agents.

Well...

Palmer

You might not respect me or what it is we do here, but you have got to respect the fact that these people, my people, are risking their lives.

[embarrassed] Well, if you're gonna put it like that...

Palmer

There's no other way to put it. Until you can figure that out, we're not going anywhere. Sit down and shut up!

Palmer

Excuse me, my friends, if I may have your attention please.

McGee

Looks like you're about to burst into song, Jimmy.

Palmer

Nah, it's much better than that.

Ziva

Why the coat on such a lovely day?

Tony

Holy full frontal, Autopsy Gremlin. Are you about to flash us your "Magic Johnson"?

Palmer

Even better.

Ducky

[without looking up at Tony and Ziva] What have we here, Jethro?

Ziva

What we have here is no Jethro.

Ducky

[looks up in surprise] What??

Ziva

He's actually running late.

Ducky

Ohhh. [laughs] Here's a first.

Tony

[looks at Palmer, who's still in his tux] Sort of like wearing fuchsia and lime green to a crime scene.

Palmer

[embarrassed] I didn't have time to change.

Ducky

Perhaps those colors will raise the dead, Mr Palmer.

Palmer

Poor guy. He looks like a pretzel.

Tony

An a-salted pretzel?

Palmer

You guys, just give me one hint as to what Abby has planned. It is my bachelor party, okay? I have a right to know.

Tony

Sorry. She swore us to secrecy, and she scares me more than you.

Palmer

God. I think I made a big mistake making her my best man.

McGee

Relax, Jimmy. Everything is fine. Just make sure you're up on your hepatitis vaccinations.

Palmer

Hepatitis?

Tony

And get a good pair of knee pads.

McGee

And a good helmet.

Palmer

[laughs nervously] You guys are messing with me.

Tony

Are we? Two words.

McGee

Abby Sciuto.

Palmer

Doctor Mallard, I've been holding on to the body for the family. No one ever contacted us.

Ducky

Well, claiming the remains of wanted men has always been taboo, Mr. Palmer. Forensic historians have shown more interest in their bodies than family members. That's why John Wilkes Booth has always been a fascination for me. You see, his --

Gibbs

Duck, you're not here, remember?

Ducky

Yes, but I am alive, and until I am embalmed and buried there will be stories to tell, and I look forward to telling them.

Palmer

So Agent Burley was Agent DiNozzo before Agent DiNozzo was Agent DiNozzo.

Ducky

That is correct. One cannot help but be confused by the Downton Abbey complexity of government bureaucracy.

Ducky

They were all out of apple fritters, Mr. Palmer, you'll have to make do with this; it's a bear claw. Where's Mr. Palmer? Who're you? This room is for authorized personnel only! So unless I see some credentials, I-

Palmer

Call security!

Ducky

[grins] Who needs security? [scoffs] Tie him up!

Ducky

[to Tony] I must say, our victim appears markedly smaller than when Mr. Palmer and I pummeled him into next week. Today we met danger head on and emerged victorious.

Ducky

[enters crime scene with Palmer] It's been a brutal week. I have a chill I just can't shake.

Palmer

Me too. Anybody mind if I do some jumping jacks?

Yes!

Palmer

I'm so not having kids.

Abby

Ok, Jimmy, that does it! [turns to Vance] Excuse us, Director, but something has gotten into Mr. Palmer and I would like to get it out now.

Vance

Well, don't let me interfere. [walks to the back of the room]

Palmer

Abby, listen––

Abby

[cuts Palmer off] No! You listen. You know what's infectious during the holidays? Optimism! Optimism is infectious. Optimism and joy...and joy and....

Kindness.

Abby

Kindness.

Courtesy

Abby

And charity.

Generosity.

Abby

And gratitude.

Selflessness.

Abby

Compassion.

Forgiveness.

Abby

Forgiveness is huge.

Kindness.

Palmer

You already said kindness.

I like kindness.

Abby

And faith, Jimmy. Faith. Faith is infectious. Life isn't always perfect, you know? But sometimes things will work out for the best if you just have faith.

Palmer

Our birth mother officially signed the adoption papers today. All she has to do now is have the kid. And not change her mind.

Ducky

Oh... for heaven's sake.

Palmer

I just jinxed it, didn't I?

Gibbs

Ya think?

Palmer

[laments] I always do this! I always say too much! [hurriedly knocks on wooden table three times]

Ducky

Your prognosis?

Palmer

It's not good.

Ducky

[sighs] I hate to lose a patient.

Palmer

Wait, I think I've found the problem. Looks like the system drive is full. [camera shot reveals Ducky's smartphone on the autopsy table] How many apps did you install, Doctor?

Ducky

[looks incredulously at Palmer] There's a limit??

Ducky

Today is a difficult day.

Bishop

It is?

Palmer

You've been training for nine months now. Nine months! Magical time frame isn't it? To think, in three months, Breena and I are gonna have our own little human [Ducky rolls his eyes] who hopefully enjoys long walks. [notices Bishop and Ducky] Sorry, this is about you.

McGee

Abs, I have pulled two all-nighters in a row and I've nothing left to give.

Palmer

[enters Abby's lab with two Caf-Pows] I have two things left to give and they're both Caf-Pows. [hands Abby and McGee the drinks] Pow! Pow!

Abby

Jimmy, you are a lifesaver. [glares at McGee] You. Drink.