Ducky Mallard quotes from NCIS

Ducky

The knife missed her vital organs so the wound, in and of itself, was not fatal.

Gibbs

She didn't bleed to death.

Ducky

Exactly. Her body contained four liters of blood, so there was no exsanguination.

Gibbs

Ducky...

Ducky

I'm sorry, it's such a lovely word, exsanguination, I can't help saying it. (laughs nervously as Gibbs just looks at him.) Moving on...

Ducky

(To Kate and Tony) We need to look a little deeper. There is clearly a latent sibling rivalry here, being expressed by your adolescent and sexually-charged bickering. It all stems from a desperate desire to please a father figure, and I think we all know who that is!

Kate

What has this got to do with my tuna fish sandwich?

Kate

We need a mediator Ducky or I'm going to have to go to Employee Relations.

Tony

Which would be tattling!

Kate

No, Employee Relations is not tattling!

Tony

It's the adult version of I'm telling mummy.

Kate

You're so juvenile!

Tony

Am not.

Kate

Are so!

Tony

Am not!

Kate

We need an unofficial mediator Ducky.

Ducky

Well, did you try Gibbs?

Kate

Ugh...

Ducky

Good point.

Kate

We thought of McGee.

Tony

But, we have no respect for him.

Kate

And then we thought of you!

Ducky

I see, third on the short list. Well, at least I beat out Abby.

Tony

Well, we just came from there.

Kate

She turned us down.

Ducky

Oh.

Tony

I didn't think you would notice!

Kate

Oh stealing food is okay if no one notices!

Tony

It wasn't stealing, it was sharing.

Kate

It was my lunch! I don't want to share my lunch!

Tony

See you just said it was sharing!

Ducky

Excuse me. Show a little respect, this is a place of peace and dignity.

Tony

That was before Kate got here.

Ducky

I'm flattered that you would entrust your relationship to me. It will be rather like.... marriage counseling. (smiles, Tony and Kate give a look)

Tony

Oh, let's not use those words.

Jimmy

Something wrong, doctor?

Ducky

Her head is in the toilet, Mr. Palmer.

Jimmy

Oh, right.

Gibbs

I need you to take a look, Ducky.

Ducky

What do you expect me to find?

Gibbs

Nothing. I just need to buy more time.

Ducky

Oh Jethro. [smiles] I can spend forever finding nothing.

Ducky

[hugging her] You were brave to stay with him, Kate.

Kate

[sobbing quietly] He's dying, Ducky.

Gibbs

[walks past them] Oh, the hell he is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who the hell are you?

Gibbs

His boss. The bug has a suicide gene. It's dead. It's been dead for over an hour. He's no longer infectious. (whispers to a very ill Tony) Tony, listen to me. Are you listening?

Tony

(weakly) I'm listening. I'm listening, Boss.

Gibbs

(whispers) You will not die, you got that? (beat) I said, you will not die.

Tony

(whispers) Okay, I got you, Boss.

Gibbs

(whispers) Good. (Gibbs hands Tony his phone.) It's your new cell. I'd get the number changed. Women keep calling for Spanky.

Kate

I'm dead now, Ducky. Shouldn't be. Could have killed Ari right here in autopsy.

Ducky

Why did you hesitate?

Kate

His eyes. There was something in his eyes that made me not want to kill him.

Ducky

His eyes were ice to me.

Ducky

One has to wonder what made him such a sadist.

Gibbs

I don't give a damn! I just want to kill the bastard!

Ducky

Oh, she's more than nice, but how do you tell a woman that you have absolutely no mental recollection of her whatsoever?

Palmer

I suppose one could always lie.

Ducky

Have you been spending time with Agent DiNozzo again?

Ducky

There doesn't seem to be any permanent damage. How many times did he hit you?

Tony

I wasn't counting.

Ziva

Seven times.

Tony

She was, of course.

Ziva

It was hard not to.

Palmer

Well my friend who went to NYU said that this guy was the club king of New York. He was almost legendary.

Ducky

Well if he wasn't before he most certainly is now.

Palmer

And apparently he only eye up models and A-list celebrities. This guy got the VIP treatment everywhere he went.

Gibbs

You writing a gossip column Palmer?

Ducky

You did me a favor tonight Jethro. Tonight is Smackdown night at the Mallard residence. Can you believe it? Mother's favorite television program, wrestling?

Palmer

Mine too! I love the WWE.

Ducky

I haven't the heart to tell her it's not real.

Ducky

Survived IEDs in Iraq, RPGs in Afghanistan. Unfortunately the local Odocoileus virginianus was too much to bear.

Palmer

That's a white-tailed...

Gibbs

Deer, yeah I know. Are you saying Bambi killed this Marine, Ducky?

Ducky

No. But swerving at 60 miles an hour into a tree to avoid Bambi did.