Abby Sciuto quotes from NCIS

Ziva

I'm driving you home. [jangles Tony's keys and smiles]

Tony

Probie. [looks hopefully to McGee]

McGee

Ah, Ziva, actually I should probably drive him home tonight.

Ziva

Why is that?

Abby

Maybe he wants to live.

Tony

Someone's setting me up.

Gibbs

Two surgically removed legs dumped into a training area? Do ya think?

Tony

Yeah. I was... trying to think of arrestees with grudges.

Ziva

Wouldn't they all have grudges?

Tony

You see my dilemma.

McGee

[reading over Tony's shoulder] Mike Macaluso?

Gibbs

He's a Mafia boss DiNozzo busted in Baltimore.

Tony

They get a little touchy when they think of you as family and you turn out to be a cop.

Abby

What about that forensics dweeb that you got fired?

Tony

I didn't arrest him, Abby.

Abby

Yeah, but you really, really, really pissed him off.

Abby

Rule number 8 is going to save you McGee!

Tony

Never date a coworker?

Ziva

Never go anywhere without your knife.

Tony

Thought that was 9.

Gibbs

Never take anything for granted.

Abby

[to Gibbs] Thank you, sir.

Gibbs

Don't call me sir.

Abby

Thank you, ma'am.

Tony

[Trying to identify a sound] Train tracks?

Abby

Yes, that would be the obvious choice, but there isn't a second thunk or a thack, not even a thock on the track.

Tony

You've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?

Abby

You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.

Abby

[to Gibbs] If I finish quickly maybe I can get back to Habitat for Humanity. I'm doing a bunch of wiring for them this weekend.

Gibbs

We'll see Abby.

Abby

Thank you, sir.

Gibbs

Don't call me sir.

Abby

Thank you, ma'am.

Abby

You're not the only one that came into work dressed differently today.

McGee

I saw Tony and Ziva.

Abby

I was talking about me! Here's a hint...I'm not one of Village People!

McGee

Oh no, the habitat for humanity was this weekend? Abby, Abby I'm so sorry, okay I'm sorry I completely forgot. You must hate me!

Abby

(meaning she is still in love with him) I could never hate you McGee. (Places her hardhat on his head) Don't let it happen again.

Gibbs

He could have worn gloves-

Abby

Or changed his clothes, I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs. That is why I am running a full residual analysis on all of Porter's wardrobe. [as Gibbs] How long, Abby? [as herself] Well it's gonna take some time, and the stuff doesn't smell very good; I don't think that laundry was a big priority... [Gibbs] Abs! [herself] Um, two hours? As soon as I know something, you'll know something. [Gibbs] You got one! Aything else? [herself] Yes, as a matter of fact. This... [hands him a cup of coffee] is for you.

Gibbs

Why?

Abby

For getting me out of sensitivity training. We were about to do trust falls and those guys in Administration have... wandering hands. [as Gibbs] Just give me their names, Abs, and I'll break 'em for you! [as herself] I know you would, Gibbs. And that is why I love you. [Gibbs smiles, kisses Abby on the cheek, and leaves]

Ziva

I agree, anyone so obviously fascinated with death has to be deeply disturbed on some level. (Abby walks behind her) I mean take these masks for instance, what kind of a person would collect such horrid looking things?

Abby

Me.

Ziva

Of course by horrid I mean finely crafted and artistic.

Abby

There really is no foreplay with you, is there, Gibbs?

Gibbs

What, you been talking to my ex-wives again?

Gibbs

You know how I feel about coincidences, Abs.

Abby

Equatorial pygmies know how you feel about coincidences, Gibbs.

Gibbs

[After listening to Abby describe a very complicated sequence of events that led to an explosion] Not an accident.

Abby

Not unless the angel of death is going through a Rube Goldberg stage.

Abby

Can I get a drumroll?

Gibbs

[Pauses for a few seconds] Ta-dah.

Abby

Oh hey, I was just about to call Tony and McGee -- I think they were having sex.

Ziva

[Incredulously] Tony and McGee?

Abby

[pretending to be a commander] Men, we are here today for three reasons. 1) We can't find Miguel Sosa. 2) I'm not even sure if he exists. And three-- [Unknown to her, McGee has been standing behind watching]

McGee

Who were you talking to?

Abby

[marches to McGee] You will address me as sir, soldier!

McGee

[looks at Abby in bemusement] Sorry. Who were you talking to, sir?

Abby

My army. Major Mass Spec. Captain Comparison Microscope. Ensign--

McGee

...isn't an army rank. It's actually Navy.

Abby

[annoyed that McGee has interrupted her fantasy] What do you want, McGee?