Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Kate

You know he told all the girls downstairs you're gay, right? He said it would cut down on the competition.

McGee

...That bastard!

Kate

Hold on to that feeling, and you're gonna be just fine.

McGee

You want to know what he said about you?

Kate

Hmm?

McGee

That you tried to sleep with him when you were in Paraguay.

Kate

...I-will-kill-him.

Tony

That's a first.

McGee

He called me "Tim."

Tony

Patted my back.

McGee

It was kind of nice.

Tony

Nice? I don't want nice! It's not Gibbs if he's nice!

McGee

What is with this music?

Abby

I am playing it out of respect for Kate.

McGee

Well, I thought you were from New Orleans.

Abby

So?

McGee

Well don't they play Jazz at funerals?

Abby

Coming from the cemetery, after the body has been buried. On the way to the cemetary we play a dirge. Do you know what a dirge is, Timmy?

McGee

Creepy music?

Abby

Can you go back to the squad room and let me do my job?

McGee

I can't.

Abby

Why?

McGee

Gibbs...Gibbs told me to watch over you.

Abby

Ohhh… (It looks like Abby is mad) That is so sweet!

McGee

You were my sweet superhero Kate.

Kate

(chuckles) You're a naughty boy Timmy.

McGee

Oh my God, I'm becoming Tony.

McGee

Oh wow.

Gerald

I've never driven a stick.

Abby

Are you serious?

McGee

What, you can drive a stick?

Abby

Yeah, since I was like ten.

Gerald

What were you driving when you were ten?

Abby

A red '47 Ford half-ton pickup with four on the floor and Bubba riding shotgun.

McGee

Bubba?

Abby

Best damn coon dog in Jefferson Parish.

Abby

I'm pregnant, McGee. Twins. I haven't told the father yet. It's Gibbs. I know it's wrong, but there's something about his silver hair that gets me all tingly inside.

Tony

Excuse me, I think I'm going to vomit.

Abby

I'm joking, Tony. Except for the part about Gibbs's hair. That is really hot.

Tony

What seems to be the problem Abs?

Abby

McGee's ignoring me!

Tony

Easily fixable. [slaps McGee on the back of the head]

McGee

Ow! What was that for?

Tony

Don't ignore Abby; she's sensitive.

Paula

A whole week of TDA with Gibbs. I can smell the fun already.

McGee

It's been a tough month.

Tony

Right now he pretty much hates everyone, Paula. Including himself.

Ziva

I stand corrected. I guess he didn't know. [muttered] I feel like a donkey's butt.

McGee

A donkey's butt?

Tony

I think she means horse's ass.

Ziva

Yes, that too.

Ziva

You might want to do something about your hair... it's sticking up like a porcuswine... no, thats not the word... a porcu... pig? (Tony gives her a funny look as McGee comes in) The little animal with the little spikies!?

McGee

Porcupine?

Ziva

'Porcupine'! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.

Ziva

(facing the monitor) A marine dressed in civil war uniform is shot by a musket and is then buried alive in a 230 year old casket (turns to face to Tony and McGee who are stuffing their faces) and you're telling me this isn't your strangest case?

Tony

(with his mouth full) Yep!

McGee

(with his mouth full) Pretty much!

Ziva

I don't know which is more disturbing! Your eating habits or the fact that I believe you!

Tony

I'm sorry! Do our strange American foods frighten you?

McGee

(laughs)

Ziva

Not at all, I was referring to your manners! You should have bought me one! (leans over and takes a bit of Tony's wrap) Mm!

McGee

(hurriedly) I'm gonna go help Abby!

Tony

(passes his wrap to her and spits out his unswallowed mouthful)

Jenny

She seems to be fitting in well.

Gibbs

She almost killed my entire team yesterday.

Jenny

How?

Gibbs

Driving home from a crime scene.

Jenny

I should have warned you. I think she was an Eastern European cab driver in a past life.

Tony

[to McGee, as they work the crime scene] If it's any consolation, probie, I had my identity stolen once.

McGee

Really?

Tony

I had a charge on my Visa for a vintage Barbie doll. 'Career-girl' outfit?

McGee

Ooh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?

McGee

[falters] Oh, well, um... I-- I had a-- a girlfriend who collected once. We used to... line them up on...

Tony

I lost respect for you at the word... "pumps". Get back to work...

McGee

[exchanges uneasy looks with Tony] Well... as, you've pointed out many times, I'm-- I'm just a junior field agent.

Tony

All the more reason you need the experience, probie.

McGee

How about if I follow in your footsteps... you lead the way?

Tony

How about if you kiss my experienced buttocks?

Tony

[gasps] It can't be! Do you realize what we have here?

Ziva

Another ugly shirt?

Tony

This is an authentic "Magnum, P.I." Jungle Bird design! 100% cotton, bamboo buttons, "Made in Hawaii" label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of Aloha garments!

McGee

That's great.

Tony

Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt, putting up with Higgins and those stupid dogs. [imitating Higgins] "Zeus! Apollo!"

Ziva

Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.

Tony

Hike. The expression is taking a hike.

McGee

She may have had it confused with “go fly a kite.”

Ziva

I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused sometimes. I found his bank book.

Tony

Check book.

Ziva

Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.

Tony

Where you come from, they may seem high but here in the good ol' U.S. of A... [sees the checkbook] These are really, really high.

Ziva

I think it's the-

Tony

Shh!

Tony

It's a...

Ziva

It's a marmoset.

McGee

Actually, that's a capuchin.

McGee

She's right Tony, look at Lee Harvey Oswold, Sirhan Sirhan.

Tony

That's original McGee, is there any part of your brain that's your own?

McGee

At least I have one Tony.

Tony

What's that supposed to mean?