Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Ziva

Where did all these people come from?

Tony

Didn't you see the signs? It's yard sale day.

Ziva

I see. And do Marines sell their yards often?

McGee

No. It's actually when people gather stuff they don't want anymore and sell them in their yards.

Ziva

Why would anybody want to buy somebody else's junk?

Tony

One man's junk is another man's treasure.

Ziva

In Israel we have a saying: "zevel, zeh zevel". [Tony and McGee look at Ziva, confused] "Crap is crap."

Tony

Hey, quit feeling sorry for yourself. Do what you do best.

McGee

What, you mean screwing up?

Tony

No, finding answers when no one else can.

Ziva

That was nice of you.

Tony

Never kick a probie when he's down, Ziva.

Ziva

I thought the expression was "dog."

Tony

Same difference.

Tony

Okay, this guy isn't smart enough to cover his tracks.

McGee

He's doing pretty well so far.

Tony

He does online auctions from his laptop. Super collectibles.

Ziva

Ultra collectibles and auctions dot com. Can we trace him?

McGee

If we can pinpoint some of his items. Do you know what he sells?

Tony

Star Wars stuff.

McGee

That narrows it down to like 50 million people.

Tony

Uh, some kind of figurine. There's only three of them?

McGee

Yoda? C3PO? Storm trooper?

Ziva

Wookiee. It is a special edition prototype from 1978. It comes equipped with an ammo belt. There are only three in existence.

McGee

A Star Wars junkie, huh?

Ziva

Not especially.

Tony

She has a photographic memory, probie, not a social disorder.

Ziva

How did you end up here, McGee?

McGee

Well, I rode in the back of the van you may have noticed my screaming as Tony ran that light.

Ziva

Not here here, at NCIS. I know Tony's story, what's yours?

McGee

You want the long version or the short version?

Tony

Oh, there's only one version. McGee showed up on our doorstep like a little lost poodle.

McGee

That is not true Ziva!

Tony

No, you're right. It was more like a St Bernard.

Abby

Guess it was worth it then.

McGee

Worth what?

Abby

Watching over twenty hours of porn with Chip.

Ziva

They owed me a favor.

McGee

How many people owe you a favor?

Ziva

How many dates has Tony in a month?

Gibbs

Commander Tanner's been gone for forty-seven hours.

Ziva

If he's not dead, he soon will be.

McGee

Maybe we can convince her to change her mind about the lawyer?

Ziva

Oh, I can convince her of far more than that.

Gibbs

How long?

Ziva

Not long.

Gibbs

McGee, you thirsty? Come on, I'll get you a cup of coffee.

Abby

Just go, Chip!

McGee

I don't know how you work with him around!

Abby

(exasperated) I know! (sees the results) No, No, No! (whines) No!

McGee

What?

Abby

I'm too good at what I do!

McGee

No...you're not?

Abby

I am! And Gibbs will hate me for it!

McGee

What is it?

Abby

When fingerprinting the gun people always check the trigger! They never think twice about the bullets! So now I've got a partial thumb print, a perfect index finger!

McGee

Great!

Abby

(defeated) Yeah!

McGee

So who do they belong to?

Abby

Commander Tanner!

McGee

It's a matter of opinion, Tony so how could it be wrong?

Tony

It's just a matter of you having the wrong opinion!

Ziva

(groans) Why don't you just agree to disagree?

McGee

I don't agree to that!

Tony

Boss? The way the director cut her hair? Do you like it?

Gibbs

She cut her hair?

We're talking about your agents pretending to be married assassins.

Very convincing.

I don't think anyone in the FBI would actually go all the way just to sell a cover story.

[eyeing Maya] I would.

McGee

Guys, they were acting.

Trust me. I know when someone's acting when they're having sex.

It's true. I've met his wife.

Ziva

I'm driving you home. [jangles Tony's keys and smiles]

Tony

Probie. [looks hopefully to McGee]

McGee

Ah, Ziva, actually I should probably drive him home tonight.

Ziva

Why is that?

Abby

Maybe he wants to live.

Tony

Someone's setting me up.

Gibbs

Two surgically removed legs dumped into a training area? Do ya think?

Tony

Yeah. I was... trying to think of arrestees with grudges.

Ziva

Wouldn't they all have grudges?

Tony

You see my dilemma.

McGee

[reading over Tony's shoulder] Mike Macaluso?

Gibbs

He's a Mafia boss DiNozzo busted in Baltimore.

Tony

They get a little touchy when they think of you as family and you turn out to be a cop.

Abby

What about that forensics dweeb that you got fired?

Tony

I didn't arrest him, Abby.

Abby

Yeah, but you really, really, really pissed him off.

Ziva

Mike Macaluso...still in jail! My sources say: His family is very happy about it!

McGee

(on the phone) How is it you've been in this country a month and already you've got sources?

Ziva

Who says my sources are from this country, McGee?

McGee

Boss, do you really not know what coitus interruptus means?

Gibbs

Better question, do you know what it means if you haven't located Stewart? (McGee runs off in fear)

Ziva

(leaning against the wall) My father used to say (speaks in Hebrew) אש קטנה שורפת הרבה תירס

Gibbs

Translate.

(walks up to an unsuspecting Gibbs) "A little fire burns a great deal of corn"!

Gibbs

(not understanding the phrase she said) What?

It never really made sense to me either!

Ziva

It loses something in translation...director.

Ziva

Halligan's on the goat. Oh, no! Not goat. Sheep?

McGee

Lam?

Ziva

That's it.

Tony

He's on the lam. There's no “B” in that, by the way.

Ziva

Thank you.