Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

[whispers to Abby] Your computer's on fire.

Abby

[wakes up] AHH! McGee! My baby's french-frying! [starts typing furiously]

McGee

[wakes and starts typing] Checking internal core temperature!

Abby

That is so not funny, Gibbs!

McGee

Well, we could toss a coin. [Ziva gives him a look] Or not. All right, give me some gloves.

Ziva

You didn't pack the gloves.

McGee

I thought you packed the gloves.

Ziva

[laughs] I didn't pack the gloves.

McGee

Ziva thinks that all men are liars.

Tony

Really? Ha, so if I were to lie to you, you would be able to tell?

Ziva

Particularly you.

Tony

[grins] You think?

McGee

Wouldn't go there, Tony.

Tony

Oh, watch and weep. True or false: I had eggs for breakfast this morning.

Ziva

True.

Tony

Lucky guess. Last night, I had a date with a very beautiful woman.

Ziva

False.

Tony

She's good. My first car was a shiny new red Corvette.

Ziva

False. Strike three. I win.

Tony

[looks bothered] How did -- how did you do that?

Ziva

When you said you had a red Corvette, you looked down and to your left. A tell-tale sign when people lie.

Tony

And the date?

Ziva

Tony, if you had gone out with a beautiful woman last night, you would have talked about it all day.

Tony

I would?

McGee

Oh yeah.

Tony

Okay, but how could you possibly know that I had eggs for breakfast this morning?

Gibbs

Gear up! Got a message from a dead guy.

Tony

Ready to roll, boss!

Gibbs

[walks past as the team grabs their stuff] DiNozzo?

Tony

Yeah, boss?

Gibbs

You got egg on your shirt.

Ziva

[smiles] Not just your shirt...

Tony

We [he and McGee] watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.

McGee

He had me at "howdy."

Ducky

There's no rush gentlemen, our patient isn't going anywhere.

McGee

I dunno Ducky, the old Gibbs is back.

Ducky

The "old" Gibbs?

Gibbs

[enters the room] McGee, over here. Hands and knees. On the floor.

McGee

[goes down on all fours] Okay, um, you're not gonna step on me are you?

Tony

Much better. Before I smelled like dirt and sweat. Now I smell like dirt, sweat..[looks at bottle label]...and sandalwood.

Ziva

[enters building] Good morning! [spots Tony at her desk] What are you doing at my desk?

Tony

Couldn't find my deodorant so I used yours.

Ziva

No you didn't.

Tony

Yeah we're partners. What's the big deal?

Ziva

A hair! [throws bottle into her trashcan]

Tony

Come on. You attach electrodes to men's testicles and you're getting squeamish about a hair? I'm not gonna feel bad. Those ground radar techs didn't show 'till dawn. McGee and I watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.

McGee

He had me at "howdy."

Ziva

How romantic. I'm sorry I missed it.

Abby

It's ok. I'm sure you find other things beautiful.

McGee

Like Gibbs breaking up a chic-fight?

Abby

I can't believe I missed that!

McGee

I've got good news. Guess what is now playing on McGee TV.

Abby

This is my favorite part.

Gibbs

Which part?

Tony

What does your gut tell you Boss?

Gibbs

[typing at his computer, nods to McGee] Take your shirt off.

Tony

Here we go.

McGee

[stares at Gibbs] I know it's kinda messy...

Gibbs

Your shirt McGee. Take it off, now.

Gibbs

Take it down to Abby. [McGee stares at him] Or would you rather wait for a search warrant?

McGee

Rebecca's DNA [desperately to Tony] Can I borrow one of your shirts?

Tony

[smiles at him] You're afraid all that white might burn out Abby's corneas?

McGee

Do not make me walk around like a sold date. Come on, help me out.

Tony

All right. I can't resist a damsel in distress. [takes shirt off and hands it to McGee] Here, take this. I'll get a fresh one.

Ziva

[smirking from her desk] Wow. It's just like Chippendales. Without the bow ties or muscles.

Ziva

The boy saw a car leaving the scene that looked like a "Karuma." I'm not familiar with the model.

Gibbs

"Karuma" is Japanese for "car," Ziva.

Tony

Your description of the car is "car." Nice work, Officer David.

McGee

The Karuma's the name of a car in Grand Theft Auto III. It's a Chrysler Sebring Sedan.

Tony

McGeek with the save!

McGee

Look, I know what I saw. Someone policed the brass and tried to wipe up the blood.

Tony

Who, Probie-- the crime scene fairies? There's no one here!

Tony

Something just touched my foot. Something's under the couch!

McGee

Maybe it's the, uh, crime scene fairy, Tony.

Tony

I hate Halloween

Ziva

What happened to them?

Tony

I told you, it's Halloween.

Ducky

Sorry we're late, we had a run-in with some local youths.

Gibbs

Yeah, I can see that.

McGee

Did you get a good look at 'em?

Ducky

Oh, we did better than that. (to Palmer) Release the captives!

Where are we? We said we're sorry!

Tony

Nice work, Palmer!

Palmer

Oh, it wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them three blocks!

McGee

Well no bag, maybe the killer took it.

Ziva

Maybe she just didn't have a bag.

McGee

Every woman has a bag.

Ziva

Do I have a bag, McGee?

McGee

No, but you're not a... Well, I mean you're a woman, it's just, you're not a... Not a normal... You're right, every woman does not have a bag.

McGee

She looks the part, just like a..

Ziva

Whore?

McGee

[glares at Ziva] A courtesan.

McGee

Sara do you remember the last time you had a few drinks?

No.

McGee

That's the point you can't drink. Last time you had a few too many you painted "bitch" on Katie Hutchinson's garage.

I would've done that sober, that bitch stole my boyfriend.