Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

McGee

Abby, they hate me.

Abby

They don't hate you, McGee.

McGee

Ziva tried to kill me yesterday.

Abby

Well, you did base all of the characters in your book on us, and you didn't ask our permission.

McGee

Deep Six is a work of pure fiction!

Abby

You described everything in my bedroom.

McGee

Not everything. Do you still have those...?

Abby

Ah-ah. Fantasize later, Hemingway.

Tony

Comfortable back there Gore Vidal?

McGee

For the last time, Deep Six is fiction.

Ziva

Fiction based on us, yes?

McGee

No! Look, if you don't believe me, read the disclaimer in the front of the book.

Tony

You buying that, Lisa? [Ziva does the "evil laugh"] Didn't think so. [straps on seat belt] Nice knowing you, Probie.

McGee

Ziva?

McGee

It's just a book!!

Gibbs

What happened to you?

McGee

Creative differences with my co-workers Boss.

Gibbs

Lot of that going around these days.

Tony

[glares at McGee] Bag and tag the ashes Probie. We'll pick you up after we coordinate with the MPs.

Palmer

Doctor, I'm going to be laying the bag out here and the burrito over here.

McGee

Palmer, I need a favor.

Palmer

You want a ride back with us.

McGee

How'd you know?

Palmer

I read your book. And for your information, I never had sexual relations with a corpse!

McGee

That character was not based on you.

Palmer

His name was Pimmy Jalmer, McGee!

McGee

Well, he's French Polynesian.

Gibbs

McGee, less talk, more the computer chip doo-dah.

McGee

Working with the doo-dah, Boss.

Doo-dah?

Gibbs

Yeah, it's a technical term, Tobias, you wouldn't understand.

McGee

I found it, Abby. I found how they got in.

Abby

How'd you know I was here?

McGee

Oh, uh, I, uh... didn't. Look, Abby, I'm really sor--

Abby

I know. [pauses, then comes up behind McGee and hugs him]

McGee

I though you were supposed to ask first.

Abby

Never with you, Tim.

Gibbs

[holds up the memory chip from a digital camera] Essentially, all we have to do is find something the size of this, inside a Humvee packed with $22 million worth of electronics?

McGee

Pretty much.

Gibbs

[drops the chip in Abby's pocket] We're screwed.

Abby

That is an excellent point.

Gibbs

[holds up the memory card from a digital camera] So what you're saying, for example, is we need to find something this small in a Humvee jammed with $22 million worth of electronics?

McGee

Pretty much.

Gibbs

[drops the chip in Abby's pocket] We're screwed.

Abby

That is an excellent point.

All right, but even if I get in, all I can tell you is stuff like oil pressure and fuel levels. Navigation, external sensors, that's all handled by scientists. [logs in to his monitoring program] All right, I'm in. Now what?

Abby

Just sit back and let the scientists....

McGee

...Kick all kinds of major ass.

Ziva

Did you hear that, Tony? McGee just said he's not secretive!

Tony

Hm, let's see. Wrote a novel.

Ziva

Didn't tell us.

Tony

Got it published.

Ziva

Didn't tell us.

Tony

Made substantial amounts of money from said novel.

Ziva

Didn't tell us.

Tony

Anything else?

Ziva

Bought a Porsche.

Tony

Didn't tell us. Can you see how people might begin to see a pattern of secretive behavior here, Probie?

McGee

Okay look, I might have been hiding stuff, but it wasn't sneaky, it was just...

Ziva

Deceptive.

Tony

Sneaky.

McGee

Self-preservation. If I told you guys I was writing a novel, you would have laughed at me.

Tony

True.

Ziva

True.

Tony

I got a bad feeling about this. [looks at McGee] We let the Elf Lord go in and we may never get him out.

McGee

Getting old Tony.

Gibbs

Tony, you and Ziva take the back. Elf Lord, you're with me.

McGee

So this is the guy Ziva was drooling on.

Ziva

I wasn't drooling!

Tony

At least I saw you undressing him with your bedroom eyes.

Ziva

At least I'm not the one asking him if he waxed his eyebrows.

Jenny

You were supposed to keep Mister Harrow under surveillance, not chase him into a coronary!

McGee

Director, once he made us, we had to take him into custody, didn't we?

Ziva

No, the Director's right. We could of let Haro escape. If he sold ARES, we could of caught "Black Rose" or "La Grenouille" selling it to Iran!

Jenny

Don't be cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way! Right Tony? [Jenny glares at Tony for some support]

Tony

Uh, that's right Director. They could've -

Gibbs

- Shot him.

Tony

That's right, they could have shot him.

Gibbs

Of course, in high octane situation, Ziva reverts to her Mossad training and probably would've put a round through his heart.

Ziva

Three rounds...

Gibbs

And McGee, not to be outdone, would've -

McGee

- Added three more rounds.

Jenny

Gibbs...

Gibbs

See, there you go. Six rounds, same result. One dead Mister Harrow.

Gibbs

McGee, you find any more maggots crawling around you bag them for evidence.

McGee

Ziva, I would give you a hundred dollars to trade with me.

Ziva

You're afraid of bugs, McGee?

McGee

Bugs, no. Wriggling faceless blob creatures crawling inside human flesh, yes.

Ziva

Believe it or not I used to feel the same way.

McGee

How'd you get over it?

Ziva

I've found that if you are hungry enough they actually don't taste that bad.

Abby

I hereby accept your challenge. We will meet on the field at dawn. Weapons: Caffeine fueled intellect versus cold silicon based intelligence. Until then I bid you a good day sir. (turn around to see Ziva and McGee behind her who are trying not to laugh) Hi.

Ziva

Hi. you talk to your Mass Spectrometer?

Abby

Ya, sometimes. Why?

McGee

You challenged it to a duel.

Abby

Well it spit out a chemical composition that I'm not familiar with. There has to be some sense of decorum around here. I'm running it through the computer now.

McGee

Well, Gibbs is more interested in this. (holds up a pink, laminated card) Did you find anything yet?

Abby

When, McGee. If you haven't noticed, I'm the only one here! Which may be why I started talking to my machines in the first place.

McGee

Well, Abbs, I've got to tell him something.

Abby

Tell him you love him, McGee. It works for me.

Gibbs

(walks in with a Caf-Pow) Not all the time.

McGee

Found something.

Tony

Is it dangerous?

McGee

Do you want kids...? Kidding.