Leroy Jethro Gibbs quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

McGee, less talk, more the computer chip doo-dah.

McGee

Working with the doo-dah, Boss.

Doo-dah?

Gibbs

Yeah, it's a technical term, Tobias, you wouldn't understand.

It amazes me how the truly sick ones are always the best liked. Pillars of the community.

Gibbs

They're successful because they blend in, Tobias. They go to church, they coach Little League baseball.

I was part of the team that nailed Bundy, Gibbs. I'm familiar with sick, charming bastards.

Gibbs

[smiles] That's probably why we get along so well.

I'll get over it. No hard feelings Jethro?

Gibbs

Nope. Just need you to look at something before you leave.

You've got that moustache in a box, don't you?

Ziva

You attacked the car?

Gibbs

The car tried to kill Abby!

Gibbs

[holds up the memory chip from a digital camera] Essentially, all we have to do is find something the size of this, inside a Humvee packed with $22 million worth of electronics?

McGee

Pretty much.

Gibbs

[drops the chip in Abby's pocket] We're screwed.

Abby

That is an excellent point.

Gibbs

[holds up the memory card from a digital camera] So what you're saying, for example, is we need to find something this small in a Humvee jammed with $22 million worth of electronics?

McGee

Pretty much.

Gibbs

[drops the chip in Abby's pocket] We're screwed.

Abby

That is an excellent point.

You're a Jew.

Ziva

Yes.

Israeli? Mossad, then.

Ziva

I'm working with NCIS.

So, yes. So now I'm as suspicious of you as you are of me. Is it always going to be this way?

Ziva

At least in our lifetime.

Oh, cozy.

Ziva

Can I help you?

[to Tariq] You know, couple of more inches to your right and our "martyr" here could've been living it up with all those vestal virgins. (chuckles) You know, it truly is a screwed-up religion where you got to blow yourself up just to get lucky.

OW!

Ziva

When you insult his religion, you insult mine and your own. Tell him you're sorry.

(quietly) Sorry. (she twists harder) AH!

Ziva

I don't think he heard you.

I'm sorry!

Apology accepted.

Gibbs

(walking in) There a problem?

Ziva

I was telling the deputy here where the bathroom was.

Gibbs

Give me some good news Abby.

Abby

I'm not pregnant.

Tony

I got a bad feeling about this. [looks at McGee] We let the Elf Lord go in and we may never get him out.

McGee

Getting old Tony.

Gibbs

Tony, you and Ziva take the back. Elf Lord, you're with me.

Jenny

You were supposed to keep Mister Harrow under surveillance, not chase him into a coronary!

McGee

Director, once he made us, we had to take him into custody, didn't we?

Ziva

No, the Director's right. We could of let Haro escape. If he sold ARES, we could of caught "Black Rose" or "La Grenouille" selling it to Iran!

Jenny

Don't be cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way! Right Tony? [Jenny glares at Tony for some support]

Tony

Uh, that's right Director. They could've -

Gibbs

- Shot him.

Tony

That's right, they could have shot him.

Gibbs

Of course, in high octane situation, Ziva reverts to her Mossad training and probably would've put a round through his heart.

Ziva

Three rounds...

Gibbs

And McGee, not to be outdone, would've -

McGee

- Added three more rounds.

Jenny

Gibbs...

Gibbs

See, there you go. Six rounds, same result. One dead Mister Harrow.

Gibbs

McGee, you find any more maggots crawling around you bag them for evidence.

McGee

Ziva, I would give you a hundred dollars to trade with me.

Ziva

You're afraid of bugs, McGee?

McGee

Bugs, no. Wriggling faceless blob creatures crawling inside human flesh, yes.

Ziva

Believe it or not I used to feel the same way.

McGee

How'd you get over it?

Ziva

I've found that if you are hungry enough they actually don't taste that bad.

Abby

I hereby accept your challenge. We will meet on the field at dawn. Weapons: Caffeine fueled intellect versus cold silicon based intelligence. Until then I bid you a good day sir. (turn around to see Ziva and McGee behind her who are trying not to laugh) Hi.

Ziva

Hi. you talk to your Mass Spectrometer?

Abby

Ya, sometimes. Why?

McGee

You challenged it to a duel.

Abby

Well it spit out a chemical composition that I'm not familiar with. There has to be some sense of decorum around here. I'm running it through the computer now.

McGee

Well, Gibbs is more interested in this. (holds up a pink, laminated card) Did you find anything yet?

Abby

When, McGee. If you haven't noticed, I'm the only one here! Which may be why I started talking to my machines in the first place.

McGee

Well, Abbs, I've got to tell him something.

Abby

Tell him you love him, McGee. It works for me.

Gibbs

(walks in with a Caf-Pow) Not all the time.

Ducky

Poison has been the weapon of choice for women for centuries, except they tend to hide it in food rather than drink.

Gibbs

That would explain why my last ex-wife spent so much time in the kitchen.

Roy

Lieutenant Roy Sanders, Sir. I need you to investigate a murder.

Gibbs

Whose?

Roy

[pulls out a clump of his own hair] Mine.

Abby

(to McGee, holding a dollar bill and a candy bar) Give me a dollar.

McGee

Okay. What's wrong with that one?

Abby

The machine wouldn't take it. And I want a candy bar.

McGee

What's wrong with that candy bar?

Abby

It has nougat in it.

McGee

But you hate nougat.

Abby

I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?!

McGee

All I have are big bills.

Ziva

What is nougat?

Tony

It's whipped dolphin fat.

McGee

No. That's the filling in Klowny Kake.

Abby

That is a myth. [Shouts] Would someone please give me a dollar?!

Tony

Sure, I got one.

Abby

Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat! [Leaves]

Ziva

I don't even know what nougat is!

Gibbs

It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear. Got an explosion at a Marine's funeral in James River National.

McGee

Did anyone else see what just happened there with Abby?

Tony

Yeah. She stole my dollar.