Leroy Jethro Gibbs quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

DiNozzo, David, wait here.

Tony

You sure about that, Boss...? Of course, because if you weren't, you'd be saying, "DiNozzo, David, follow me." PROBIE, STOP IT!

Gibbs

David, DiNozzo, perimeter.

Tony

You sure you don't want us to help you in there boss...? Of course not, because if you did, you would have said, "David, DiNozzo, follow me." PROBIE, STOP IT!

Gibbs

Any tattoos Ducky?

Ducky

Ahh, a direct query, demanding a direct response, which in this case is a direct no.

Abby

I found this, in his left trouser pocket. It's organic.

Gibbs

Illegal?

Abby

We could smoke it and find out.

I'm not convinced that it wasn't this guy. I mean, how do we know Ducky didn't make a mistake?

Ziva

Tony.

Tony

Because Ducky doesn't make mistakes, Paula.

Ziva

Which means what you saw yesterday was, by definition, mistaken.

Look, even if he did die the day before, it doesn't mean he wasn't involved. Right? Tony?

Tony

She does have a valid point, Ziva.

We don't even know what his cause of death is. For all we know he could've committed suicide!

Ziva

A suicide bomber who commits suicide before his bombing? That doesn't make any sense!

Tony

No! It doesn't! But it does raise an interesting point. Imagine, if you will, ladies. An assisted suicide of a suicide bomber who suicided before his suicide bombing. It's kinda like how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wo--

Gibbs

[Head-slaps Tony] DiNozzo, what the hell is wrong with you?

Tony

I am just trying to lighten the mood of the room a little bit, boss.

Gibbs

I got a better way: Leave. And take her with you.

Ziva

That works for me.

Paula

Works for me, too, David.

Ziva

Da-veed!

Ducky

From what I hear, Timothy, in your next novel, L.J. Tibbs has a love interest. Yes. I hear that it's an Army...

McGee

Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that.

Gibbs

Army what? McGee?

McGee

[reluctantly] Lieutenant... Colonel. Lieutenant colonel.

Gibbs

What've you got, Abs?

Abby

Oh, your usual incriminating evidence, all circumstantial, but beggars can't be choosers.

Gibbs

What's he hiding?

McGee

For the most part, not a whole lot. It's about the most boring diary I've ever read. An obsession with Kelly Clarkson... wondering why he can't find a girlfriend...

Abby

He didn't make the connection between those two things?

Jenny

[calling from Paris] Is the agency intact?

Gibbs

I cut it up into small bitsy pieces and sold it to the three-letter boys.

Ducky

Hey! I win the pool!

Tony

Wait a minute. How did you figure that?

Ducky

I predicted Gibbs would last four days as Director before reverting to working a case.

Tony

So, uh, Director, does that mean you're...

Gibbs

I'm heading the investigation. [Ducky walks past them] Hey, Duck! You win the pool.

Ducky

Yes! Thank you Jethro! [McGee stares at him]

Gibbs

And I didn't do anything wrong, McGee.

I can go?

Gibbs

[walks in] You can go to the head or our conference room.

[points to Tony] He said I could leave!

Tony

Well, what I say doesn't count when the Boss is here.

Like me when the wife is around.

Gibbs

What were you doing for 21 hours, Jenny?

Jenny

What we used to do, ever so well.

Gibbs

When you lie, your right eye twitches. It always has.

Gibbs

You lost your protection detail in Paris. You went missing for 21 hours, where were you?

Jenny

You sound like a jealous husband.

Gibbs

How would you know?

McGee

All right. I think I know what happened here.

Tony

Oh, twenty bucks says McGee's about to say something nobody understands again.

McGee

The GPS coordinates came bundled in a proprietary packet. Since it was a beta, I thought-

Gibbs

I'm starting to think you can't help yourself, McGee.

Gibbs

Do I need to send you two back to the men's room?

Tony

Hey! She followed me in there!

Ziva

Only because you wouldn't talk to me!

Tony

[Gibbs stares them down] Shutting up, Boss.