Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

You know, I was thinking about becoming a doctor.

Kate

Really? You, a doctor?

Tony

Anthony DiNozzo, comma, M.D.

Kate

[laughs] Let me guess, a gynecologist?

Tony

Oooh... no. I was thinking more dermatologist. Normal hours, big bucks, never an emergency. I mean, nobody ever died from a zit.

McGee

I had a terrible case of acne as a kid.

Tony

Of course you did, Probie.

Gibbs

Break out the gear. I'll coordinate with the MPs. [hands coffee to Tony] You drink that, DiNozzo, you're dead.

Tony

[hands Gibbs' coffee to an oblivious McGee] Coffee, Probie. Looks like you could use it.

McGee

Oh. Thanks, Tony.

Tony

Don't mention it. [smiles as he walks away]

McGee

[to Kate] I think he's finally starting to warm up to me.

Gibbs

Enjoying that coffee, McGee?

McGee

Uh, yeah.

Gibbs

It's not too hot?

McGee

[embarrassed] It's your coffee. I'm sorry Boss. I'll get you another one. [turns to Kate and Tony] Thanks.

Kate

Yeah, maybe next time you should remember Rule 23.

Tony

Is that the one about not marrying a woman who eats more than you do?

Never mess with a Marine's coffee if you want to live, Agent DiNozzo.

Tony

[laughs at McGee] Yeah.

Tony

Dead man walking!

McGee

Every road with access into Quantico is blocked by armed gate guards. There's Marines everywhere. Why would a rapist choose a victim here?

Maybe he's got a death wish, Agent McGee.

McGee

There's easier ways to die.

Tony

Go for it, honey!

Kate

My first round's going through your right eye-socket, Lady!

Tony

Kate, Kate?

Who's Kate?

Tony

My dog. She must have run away after the crash.

What does she look like?

Tony

A Shih-Tzu.

A what?

Tony

Long brown hair, kinda mangy?

Gibbs

DiNozzo! Grab the gear and see if McGee is still alive.

Tony

On it, boss!

Kate

Are you going to answer that?

Tony

I'm in hell, Kate.

Kate

Well, do they have money there? Because you owe me... forty three dollars and eighty six cents for lunch this week.

Tony

I will gladly pay you today if you'll answer this call for me.

Kate

Yeah? Who is it?

Tony

Crazy ex-girlfriend. Haven't seen her since college.

Kate

Stalker?

Tony

More like a stalk-him.

Kate

What do you want me to say to her?

Tony

I don't know. Tell her you're my wife or something. She's been calling nonstop for two days. So I'm begging you here, Kate. Please.

Kate

You pay me back today.

Tony

Sure.

Kate

(Into Phone) Hello? Me? Oh, I am Tony's wife. Uh, yes. We got married a few years ago. (Whispers To Tony) We have kids? (Into Phone) Two. Yes. And we're very, very happy. So please don't call back again. (To Tony) I feel like I need a shower. (Hangs Up Phone)

Tony

Pay the lady, Probie.

McGee

He bet me forty dollars he could get you to say you're his wife today.

Kate

Tony, I'm going to kill you.

McGee

Are you wishing you were a computer geek?

Tony

I'd rather be homeless than be you, Probie.

Ducky

Mother, this is Caitlin. [Ducky's mother spits at Kate] Mother, we talked about this. She is here to protect us!

Show me your knickers.

Kate

Ma'am?

Underwear, missy! I can always tell a woman's intentions by her panties.

Tony

It's always been my philosophy.

Kate

You're relieved, Tony.

Tony

Oh, thank you. [pointing to the dog] This is Contessa, she likes it rough.

Tony

What's not fun?

Kate

Nothing.

Tony

[looks at Kate's phone] Who's Doctor Jackson?

Kate

You read that upside down?

Tony

A talent that serves me well. What's wrong with you?

Tony

At least I don't hang out with married people.

Kate

[to Abby] Would you please tell him that a man and a woman can just be friends?

Abby

Absolutely they can.

Tony

Without having sex?

Abby

Oh no, they'll have sex.

Kate

Abby?!

Abby

What? Come on, Kate, haven't you ever slept with a friend?

Kate

[upset] What is wrong with you people?

Gibbs

[steps in] Good question, Kate.

Abby

[reading lips of people on a tape] "We have to..." something. "We have to - blank - him."

McGee

Kill?

Kate

Murder?

Tony

Love? [Gibbs slaps him] Ow. I really wish you'd stop doing that!

Gibbs

I will, Tony! When you stop "blanking" up!

Tony

I'll take it. I've always wanted a dog. [The dog growls and tries to bite him.]

Kate

Good dog. I think I'll call you Tony.

Gibbs

It's a bitch, Kate.

Kate

I know.

Tony

Looks like we're going to play Gibbs' favorite game...

Abby

Ooo! Musical interrogation rooms!

Tony

I knew this girl once. She squeaked. She made this little squeaking...

Kate

Tony! You want to tell Ducky that story?

Gibbs

He's heard it. We all have.