Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Kate

You know, most people tend to their personal hygiene at home.

Tony

(clipping his nails) What, this bothers you?

Kate

No, What bothers me is that it doesn't bother me anymore.

Gibbs

Get the truck.

Tony

Where we going, Boss?

Gibbs

Smoky Corners, West Virginia. Marine Helo was found abandoned, crews missing.

Kate

Any leads?

Gibbs

You tell me. It's sitting in the middle of a crop circle.

McGee

Abby's gonna make us crazy.

Gibbs

Come on, let's go!

Kate

Eww, Tony!

Tony

What?

Kate

You are getting way too comfortable around me. Okay, clipping your nails is one thing, but that, that is crossing the line.

Tony

Come on.

Kate

No, I'm serious.

Such a sweet countenance.

Tony

Sweet countenance?

Yeah, that radiant look on her face.

Tony

She doesn't look radiant, she's dead.

In that picture?

Tony

Yeah, she's dead.

She's dead?

Tony

She's dead. Why do ya think her eyes are closed.

I thought she was meditating.

Some man raped and murdered her!? [looks at Tony who has been hitting on her]

Tony

It wasn't me!

Tony

Hey Boss. Got statements from Seamen Jennings and Wilkins. Can I cut them loose? They've been at sea a long time.

Gibbs

Know where to find them?

Tony

Motel at Virginia Beach. Girlfriends are waiting.

Gibbs

Yeah. [Tony signals to the Seamen to leave]

Tony

[to Kate] Haven't been with their women in 6 months, 3 weeks and 18 hours. [shudders] Longest I went was 11 days, 6 hours.

Kate

I can't believe you actually know these things.

Tony

It's a gift.

Are you always a smart-ass?

Tony

Only to you boys from the Hoover building.

Kate

You writin' my name, right?

Tony

What? I just wanna know if it's mine. She kinda sleeps around a lot, if you know what I mean.

Kate

If I did, it's cuz he ain't any good in bed.

Tony

Least I didn't sleep with my cousin.

Kate

You slept with my sista!

Tony

I thought it was you!

Kate

She weighs 300 pounds.

Tony

She was wearing your earrings.

That's enough! If you two can't be civil, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Kate

Look, is there anywhere I can wait away from him? Please? I'm beggin' you.

There's an empty exam room behind you two doors on the right.

Kate

Thank you. [She flings her gum at Tony as she leaves.]

Tony

I'm sorry. She slept with my brother. And my best friend. At the same time.

Kate

Wow, I thought you were the only one who could piss him off like that.

Tony

You never met his second wife.

Tony

Learned how to box in the Marines?

Gibbs

No. Corps doesn't teach boxing.

Tony

[grins] That's your loss!

Gibbs

They teach fighting.

Kate

Have I mentioned that I was hand-picked to protect the President of the United States?

McGee

Five times!

Tony

Are you gonna take that abuse McGee?

McGee

No! [flips Kate over and pins her on the floor]

Kate

I like it McGee! Why were you holding back?

McGee

Well you...I mean I've never wrestled--

Kate

A girl? [to Tony] Tony, I look like a girl to you?

Tony

All I see are two NCIS special agents.

Kate

Me, too!

Gibbs

[hangs up his phone] Training's over. We're headed to Quantico. Guy tried to outrun a 500-pound bomb.

Kate

And?

Gibbs

He lost.

Tony

[attempting to comfort McGee] She had three older brothers growing up. I think there's some unresolved issues there.

McGee

Ya think?!

Have you shot anybody?

Tony

Not this week.

Tony

I want double overtime for this, boss. That kid's a nightmare.

Gibbs

He reminds me of you.

Kate

(whispering) What are you doing?!

Tony

Uh... listening.

Kate

That is just wrong.

Tony

Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal agents who are on the lookout for Al-Qaeda assassins, that's wrong, Kate. Me, I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.

It's not a water cooler, it's called a scuttlebutt. How long you been in the Corps?

Tony

Since I met Gibbs.