Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Who are you?

Tony

Same as Kate. Well not exactly.

Tony

(focusing on strippers behind) How's that?

Abby

Well it's art but we kinda need a shot of her face.

Tony

(To Witness) Look, there is always something you remember about every woman, something you'll remember in twenty years time... something small and subtle... a piece of jewelry, a laugh... a smell.

Kate

Ugh, I feel like I've died and woke up in a Calvin Klein Ad.

Kate

We need a mediator Ducky or I'm going to have to go to Employee Relations.

Tony

Which would be tattling!

Kate

No, Employee Relations is not tattling!

Tony

It's the adult version of I'm telling mummy.

Kate

You're so juvenile!

Tony

Am not.

Kate

Are so!

Tony

Am not!

Kate

We need an unofficial mediator Ducky.

Ducky

Well, did you try Gibbs?

Kate

Ugh...

Ducky

Good point.

Kate

We thought of McGee.

Tony

But, we have no respect for him.

Kate

And then we thought of you!

Ducky

I see, third on the short list. Well, at least I beat out Abby.

Tony

Well, we just came from there.

Kate

She turned us down.

Ducky

Oh.

Tony

I didn't think you would notice!

Kate

Oh stealing food is okay if no one notices!

Tony

It wasn't stealing, it was sharing.

Kate

It was my lunch! I don't want to share my lunch!

Tony

See you just said it was sharing!

Ducky

Excuse me. Show a little respect, this is a place of peace and dignity.

Tony

That was before Kate got here.

Tony

Suspect claims he went to bed with one woman and woke up with another.

Abby

That happens to girls, too. At night, some guy seems all dark and gnarly, and then you wake up and his tattoos are fake and he works at a bank.

McGee

I used to work at a bank.

Abby

Your tat is real and you don't disappoint me.

Gibbs

(to suspect) You went home with one woman and woke up with another.

Tony

I hate it when that happens...

Gibbs

Paranoid.

Tony

Sounds like someone I know.

I dunno about you, but I've slept with a lot of women.

Tony

I wouldn't know anything about that Willy, I'm a Mormon.

Ducky

I'm flattered that you would entrust your relationship to me. It will be rather like.... marriage counseling. (smiles, Tony and Kate give a look)

Tony

Oh, let's not use those words.

Gibbs

Are you done?

Tony

Almost.

Gibbs

Done or fired. Those are your options.

Tony

Done.

Gibbs

DiNozzo!

Kate

I'll wake him up.

Gibbs

No. I got a better idea. (Speeds up then slams on the brakes. Tony is now awake)

Kate

Bad dream, DiNozzo?!

Tony

I... wha... uh... wha...

Gibbs

You done?

Tony

Almost.

Gibbs

"Done" or "fired" are the choices.

Tony

Done.

Tony

A dead transsexual sailor, his spook instructor and a pair of human eyes walk into a bar, what's the punchline Kate?

Kate

Whatever it is, it involves this girl and Paraguay.

Tony

That's true, but not very funny. Probie! Make me laugh!

McGee

Okay, the bartender doesn't believe it so he asks the spook instructor 'what the hell is going on?' And the guy says 'what, guy can't have a drink with his pupils?'

Kate

Look all I am trying to say is that it is very unprofessional. Gibbs would never walk in here and tell us how much he paid for his shirt.

Tony

That's because the prices at Sears have been pretty consistent since the late 70's.

Gibbs

[entering] We have a body in Virginia. McGee?

McGee

Yeah.

Gibbs

Call Ducky.

McGee

Got it.

Tony

Hey, uh, boss? Have you had a chance to sign off on that missing persons case I gave you?

Gibbs

No, I haven't, DiNozzo. I tried to get to it last night but Sears was having a sale.