[The opening credits identify actor Robert Z'Dar.]
Oh z'no.
S10Future War
[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor Daniel Bernhardt) creeps along a wall.]
Hey, it's Jean Claude Van Damme!
Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.
[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]
CACrow [as Fred]
Am I Ving Rhames? I can't remember.
[A midget Tyrannosaurus rex (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]
CCrow
He's a Cute-a-saurus!
[The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]
He's being attacked by a schnauzer in a dinosaur costume.
[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]
[laughs] Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs?
[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]
Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare!
[A homeless man is attacked and eaten by a dinosaur.]
You know, this has got to be about the last thing you worry about when you're living in a dumpster.
[The Runaway flees through a shipping yard and throws obviously empty cardboard boxes at his pursuer.]
Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight.
. . .
Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas?
. . .
[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]
CCrow
He's boxed in!
Yeah, well, I'm card-bored.
[from a high-angle shot, the main character throws a harpoon and clearly hits nothing, but the puppet dinosaur keels over]
CACrow [as Daniel Bernhardt]
So when you edit this, it's going to look like I hit him, right?
AAnn
Hey, how did you know who I was?
OOfficer
Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go.
Fred Burrows?
Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows.
[Shot of the Runaway in a jail cell]
CACrow [as the Runaway]
Fred Burrows! Help me!
[Characters are hunting dinosaurs, with incessant deep bell music]
According to the bells, it's 97 o'clock.
[Shot of a bomb timer, counting down extremely quickly]
CCrow
Introducing new, faster seconds!
[As the Runaway fights the Cyborg, the camera cuts to Ann fidgeting nervously]
CACrow [as Ann]
I'm fretting. See, audience? I'm fretting.
This isn't a real movie, it's more of a movie loaf.
Yeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed.
[During one of the many, many inept action scenes.]
CCrow
OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it.
[The Runaway and the Cyborg Master's fight is filled with various continuity errors, as pointed out by Mike.]
Huh??
The movie that packs more "Huhs" per second!
AAnn
Everything he wanted was everything I needed...
CACrow [as Ann]
So neither of us actually got anything.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.