Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 1
[Alice and the Professor's assistant Roy are snarkily bickering with each other]
If only I could have a decent assistant who can follow orders instead of trying to be the boss.
I'm bossy? You ought to be milked before you come home every night!
Dibs!
I'll get a stool and a pail.
That's udderly ridiculous.
Oh, cow could you say that?
Are you gonna milk this for all it's worth?
[a shot of a rocket traveling to the space platform plays] It's a V-2 rocket!
Could've had a V-8! [Joel slaps Crow upside the head] Joke, Joel. [It was] a joke!
I thought it was hilarious! [Joel slaps Servo on the dome]
[Alice and Roy cavort in an open field]
Even at the end of the world, love springs eternal.
[while Johnny is walking past ruins of civilization on the way home] It's the Berlin Wall!
Uh, this is the apocalypse; I think that's the Great Wall of Cleveland.
[as the Ro-Man fumbles about in view of the Ro-Man communication device] Peeking through the knothole, of Grandma's wooden leg...
[as the Great Guidance, in annoyance] I hired an idiot!
[as the closing shot of Ro-Man walking towards the camera loops]
Is this the end of the film, Joel?
Uh, I don't think it is.
You ever had deja vu, Joel?
Huh? What?
[after the third time they repeat themselves]
We've gotta get out of here.
This is pathetic! [pause] You ever had deja vu, Joel?
Stop it!
[as a café owner waking up Cody after he was knocked out in an altercation with Retik's Earth henchmen] Wake up, Cody; you owe me $400!
[in a phone call back to fellow scientist Joan as he prepares to ambush Retik's Earth henchmen] Call the police and tell them to block the highway on the other side of the mountain.
[as Joan, making a phone call] Hello, police? Block the mountain on the other side of the highway!
[Joel and the bots hold Commando Cody on trial for his various on-screen misdemeanors]
Today I will prove that Commando Cody is guilty of the following felony changes- failure to follow a proper flight plan, reckless endangerment of the public, defying the laws of physics... and gravity, and acting as an officer of the law... and simply bad acting.
[acting as Cody's lawyer] We plead hardship, your Honor! My client- Commando Cody- has more than paid his debt to society by being trapped in a pathetic serial!
[after chatting with fellow survivor Bonnie during the night and sharing a kiss] Gee whiz, you know as long as you're sitting here, I don't even want to think about Slime People.
[continuing as Cal] Though it's hard, looking at a mug like yours.
[while Cody and Ted fly in an airplane to bomb the truck of Retik's Earth henchmen] Oh, great. Double 00-Cody. You have a license to kill now, Mr. Cody?
[the episode begins with the opening credits again, as Joel and the bots wearily sing along to the music]
[singing] You're watching Commando Cody; a not-so-new character from Republic. He gets in trouble every week, but he's saved by editing...
[singing] His laboratory is a boxing ring when bad guys come to mix it up; someone always gets kidnapped, so Cody has to go to fix it up...
[singing] Bad guys beware- Cody is there; you'll like his hair, it's under his helmet, 'cuz we couldn't think of a good rhyme; and that's the end of the Commando Cody theme song! So sit right back, and with a will of granite, watch Chapter 8- The Enemy Planet. [nervously laughs]
[as Cody's assistant, Ted, is shown losing oxygen] By this time, my lungs were aching for air!
[role-playing as Krog on the bridge] Earth men, I want you to take an atomic bomb the size of a pineapple, strap it to a Piper Cub, and crash into Mt. Vesuvius!
[roleplaying as Commando Cody] Does he have any idea who he's dealing with? I could-
Ahhh, you're Servo; and Joel's holding you up.
Pay no attention to the man holding me up.
[reading a building abbreviated as SPACOM] Spacom: wood-filled and meat substitute.
We built this city on Spacom!
Instead of rock and roll?
Yep.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
