[in an overly long scene where Bowen and Friedrich stalk a styracosaurus]
If this takes any longer, the dinosaurs are gonna evolve into birds and fly away.
S11The Land That Time Forgot
S11The Loves of Hercules
Your experiment is a pecs-and-princess epic starring Jayne Mansfield, Jayne Mansfield's husband, and the rest of Jayne Mansfield.
MMax
It stinks like feta cheese!
[as Hercules struggles to pick up a log] Boy, for a demigod, he's really struggling with that thing.
[Hercules struggles to gain balance]
CSCrow, Servo, and Jonah
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
SAServo [as Hercules]
Oh, this is heavier than I thought! Okay, coming through! [grunt] Man carrying entire tree! Look out! Oooh, this is heavy. Oooh this hurts! Oooh, I didn't anticipate this!
[after Hercules breaks down a barricaded door]
CACrow [as Hercules]
[Italian accent] I haved breakededed the door!
[as Deianira changed behind a pink sheet]
Why is she standing behind a giant napkin?
Ooooh...
CCrow
Oh, it's hanky panky.
[the bots attempt to peek behind the sheet]
Hey hey hey hey, Servo get down from there! Crow, get over here!
[Deianira puts a robe on]
Yeah, there's the robe. Forget it.
How was it though?
CCrow
Terrible. She wasn't even wearing any underwear.
[a shot of a supposed to be threatening bull, but the bull just looks peaceful]
CCrow
Oh yeah, that bull's got murder in his big, dewy eyes.
[as Deianira faints after Herculese kills the bull]
SAServo [as Deianira]
I haven't fainted in nearly ten minutes.
Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always mine.
CCrow
Stalker alert.
Achelous Let me thank you for having saved the life of my wife-to-be.
[Hercules looks stunned]
Buffering.
Processing.
CCrow
Compiling.
What?
Download complete.
[Hercules looks stunned again]
Buffering.
Processing.
CCrow
Compiling.
But then you-
Download complete.
[as Hercules fights Achelous]
CACrow [as Hercules]
Now bow down to my tiny nipple.
[as Philoctetes rides into a landscape with colorful smoke]
He seems to have ridden into some kind of promotion for Mountain Dew Mist.
See that pink smoke? Nowadays, all this would just be done in CGI, which I feel is cold and steril.
CCrow
Yeah, you don't get the warmth of these shots of incompetent people trying their very hardest.
Right.
...
CCrow
How do you get pink smoke?
That's easy, you crash a Mary Kay cosmetics car.
[as Hercules clumsily fights a Hydra puppet]
CACrow [as the director]
Okay, Mickey, let's try this again. As you know, we've only got one Hydra, so please don't damage it. Remember, we're doing pickup shots with the extra tomorrow. If you must stab it, only use the marked plunge points, and the rest of the time, only light taps please, with the flat side of the sword like we discussed. Thank you.
I feel like I'm watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios.
I know this is a Hercules movie, but this Hercules just doesn't seem that strong at all.
[as Hercules struggles in battle against the hydra]
CCrow
Hey, I've got an idea, maybe the weapons were laying around, because they were INEFFECTIVE??? Come on, man! I fall over in disgust.
S11Yongary: Monster from the Deep
[as the film opens with a couple of newlyweds]
Wait, it's over? Did we just skip to the end of the movie?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.