Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes

[looking at a space landscape full of different colored stars] Some people just don't know when to take down their Christmas lights.

You can drop the rifle ray.

My name's not Ray, it's Stella!

I feel like I'm watching a community theater production of Guardians of the Galaxy.

Are we in hyperspace, or are we looking at a screensaver?

It's here on the third planet of the next solar system.

I've never been there.

And my birthday's coming up. Hint, hint.

What's it like?

Red fogs, high winds, low gravity.

Oh, it's like Delaware.

And the atmospheric conditions are stable. However, the entire planet is covered with ice and snow.

Like Delaware.

And you must be extremely careful when the sun sets. The temperature drops thousands of degrees, and in an instant, everything freezes over.

Like Delaware!

Say goodbye! [fires his laser gun at Atkon, to no effect; the lasers are very low quality] What???

Your crappy effects are powerless against me.

Actual footage of David Hasselhoff at Comic-Con.

These cavemen have kinky little skirts. It's fun!

Oh, well now they're just openly ripping off Spaceballs.

Thank God for my completely original weapon: the illumination sword!

Let's go board your ship, and continue on at once.

There's no need to continue.

Because the budget just ran out. The end! Let's go guys!

It's a can of spring snakes.

Servo

That's beautiful. Just to set a prank adrift in the world and hope it brightens some stranger's day.

Or gives them a heart attack.

I do not expect anyone to believe the story I'm about to relate.

So never mind.

Prepare to surface.

Jawohl, Kapitän.

Ugh, the realtor described this place as cozy.

Up periscope.

Up periscope!

Klaus, stop copying me. Jeez, every time...

Guys, what is my rule? If you're going to use my periscope, you had to wipe it off after. Come on!

This kaleidoscope sucks. There's no colors.

Thick fog. Perfect cover for us. Down periscope.

Down periscope!

Klaus, what did I just talk to you about?!

Sorry, mein Kapitän.

Both engines full ahead.

Both engines full ahead!

Klaus!

Now, there is a German supply ship operating in this area.

Servo

He said "area".

And we should rendezvous within the hour.

Or the pizza's free.

And you, Commander will be transferred to her, and shot as a pirate.

Oh, he's a pirate? Is that why this movie is rated "Arrrrgh"?

Nope.

Someday the whole show will be like this.

Servo

So that creature's probably endangered, right?

Oh yeah, for sure. Last of its kind, a priceless treasure, his sweat cures cancer, blah blah blah. KILL IT! KILL IT!

Oh good, a smaller gun. And if that doesn't work, you can throw your shoes at him.

Are we there yet?

Please don't.

Are we there yet?

Crow, stop!

Are we there yet?

Crow, I swear, I will turn this movie RIGHT AROUND!