Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes

Servo

Dear TripAdvisor, too much snow. Did not appreciate avalanche. Serving staff was all dead. Cannot recommend.

Dear TripAdvisor, tried to get room service, chef said kitchen was on fire. Not the kind of service I'm accustomed to.

Dear TripAdvisor, man at disco only knew one song. Probably nice for singles, but not for families who want to keep their children alive.

Servo

Dear TripAdvisor, vending machines only had Cheez-Its! Chair-lift electrocution ride not nearly as fun as advertised.

Dear TripAdvisor, found cheerleader in my salad! Wait staff refused to help! One out of five stars!

Dear TripAdvisor, spent a magical week with the owner's mother. She's a bright, sassy lady. Seemed to think we were in Hawaii. Surprisingly good on keyboard. Died in a horrible explosion. Three stars.

Oh that's so thoughtful, the cantina leaves a rock for your child to sit on while you're in the bar drinking.

Oh way better than sitting in a car listening to the radio.

[slurring] Kick me out of the Cantina? Greedo shot first, you all saw it!

[slurring] I told you we'd have fun on your birthday!

[drunk] You're not mad at me, are you?

Oh Father, I stopped getting mad a long time ago.

The drought is shrinking the swamp again this year, from what the natives tell me.

I know, I've been there.

Girlfriend.

Whenever that happens, there are always strange tales of men and animals disappearing.

[in a heavy American Accent] Speaking of disappearing...

Has anyone seen my accent?

Why don't you disappear back to Texas where you came from?

I'm from Connecticut!

For the last time! [synchronizes with each punch] Coldplay! Isn't! That! Bad!

What am I supposed to think when I see my fianceé in the arms of another man?!

If I were interested in another man, I surely would not ride with him into the center of the plaza where everyone could see us!

But they did see!

What they saw was the very little trust that you have in me! Fighting in the streets! Just because the Americano was gentleman enough to ride me home when my horse ran away!

Ooh...

It is only... only because I love you so much. I can't bear the thought of...

Haggis. Ugh.

Sarita, forgive me. When a man is in love, he is not... not himself.

He is another, stupider man.

Wow, Machu Picchu!

Servo

Machu Picchu is in Peru.

Huh, so they filmed this movie in Peru?

Servo

[angrily] Would you just-?! Ohh!

[as Jimmy rides his horse through a cemetery] Oh man, Jimmy, this is a sacred place! You're riding on an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay a day and has no control of its bowels! Do the math! I'm turning this off!

Servo

You can't, we tried that.

Yeah, we're made out of those special parts.

Yeah, if you punch and shoot at the same time, it adds speed to the bullet.

Señor Jimmy! Señor Felipe! My papa did not come back from the swamp!

Second act twist!

[watching with Max as Jonah is left confused and terrified about Crow and Servo imitating the masked Life Celebration dance from the film] Uh, is this that Hamilton show everyone's talking about?

It could be a celebration of the arbitrary quality of life, or they suffered a really bad blow to the head.

[pleading to the bots, who are ignoring him completely] Why is this happening, what's going on?! Why won't you guys talk to me?!

[begging] Tell us! Tell us; I'm going out of my freaking mind!

What have we done to offend thee?!

Answer me! You guys are scaring me!

Who must we kill to slake thy anger?

[growing more uneasy] Crow! Tom; Tom, it's Jonah! What is happening?!

[sobbing in horror] Make it stop!!

[as 'Movie Sign' blares] Oh! We have Movie Sign; come on, we've got to go!

[to Servo] What was all that about?

Servo

That wasn't us.

I want to register a complaint for what I feel was a misleading use of the word "beast", which led me to assume it would be hairier. Perhaps a yeti or, given the setting, a chupacabra.

Servo

You weren't expecting a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur?

No, I was not.

You could start a drinking game for every time you see a horse's butt in this movie.

Servo

What do you call it?

I don't know. "Pancho"?

And then your kids could play the game of "Panchito", which is when they beg you to stop.

Servo

[singing in the melody of the MST3K Theme] But the cowboy didn't like him, so he shot him in the face.

Meta!

Servo

[tearfully] They said they'd smash my bulb.

Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge. Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge.

Your Hot Pocket is ready.