[Our hero Maciste (AKA Colossus) returns to find pandemonium: people are running in every direction, large stones falling around, and a volcano erupting.]
SAServo [as Maciste]
I leave you alone for one hour--!
“Colossus and the Headhunters” · Season 6
In this episode: Crow T. Robot (8), Mike Nelson (8), Tom Servo (5)
AAriel
What is your name?
MMaciste
Maciste, and yours?
CCrow
[holding back laughter] Cheesesteak?
[The camera pans very slowly down Maciste's body as he steers the raft]
CCrow
Hmm... the camera operator is indulging himself here...
[After many days on a raft, Maciste pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.]
CCrow
Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time!
MMaciste
Land! Land!
SAServo [as Maciste]
It would be really great if we found some land!
MAMike [as Maciste]
It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry.
[Maciste has been shot in the chest with an arrow, but he pulls it out effortlessly and gets to his feet.]
CCrow
[snickering] Luckily, this was before death had been invented.
[Queen Amoa is explaining her peoples' problem to Maciste at considerable length.]
CACrow [as Maciste]
[wearily] Hey, look, my island blew up!
[Two men grapple on a rope bridge and tumble over the side.]
Oh no! It's a horrible drop into...
[They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.]
Oh. Heh.
. . .
[More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.]
SAServo [as soldier]
Hey, this is fun! Whoopee!
And thus, synchronized swimming was invented!
CCrow
Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot?
[A fight scene has broken out.]
Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it?
[As a not very good dancing performance goes on and on.]
So... apparently, the director... has a girlfriend.
. . .
CCrow
This is history's first awkward moment.
[dramatically] For the first time, people don't know where to look.
[The camera pans across a battle in the headhunters' village--and past an embarrased-looking tribesman standing awkwardly by himself.]
Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner!
[The beanstalk-thin villain, Kermes, is explaining his evil plans to Queen Amoa.]
KKermes
The fragile shoulders of a woman can not bear the burdens of a kingdom without assistance.
Pssh! He's talking about fragile shoulders.
KKermes
Maintaining a throne demands courage, wisdom, bravery, and cruelty...
And pants!
KKermes
And all the other virtues that only... a MAN could possibly possess.
CCrow
Well, at least you're not pompous.
. . .
KKermes
That is why you and I will rule together with me as your...
Dun-dun-dun!
KKermes
...advisor.
CCrow
Huh?!
. . .
[Queen Amoa rebukes Kermes as he looks on with a devastated look on his face.]
MAMike [as Kermes]
Why are you yelling at me? This is my greatest moment, stop it!
[The effeminate villain, Kermes, drops a portcullis to trap Maciste.]
MAMike [as Kermes]
[Lisping.] I caught you, you bitch!
[Kermes ambushes Maciste and, in the ensuing fight, gets stabbed with his own sword.]
MAMike [as Maciste]
Wow, those sharp things really work!
. . .
And three quarters into the movie, Maciste finally does something!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.