Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

We gratefully aknowledge the Reynold's Wrap corporation for donating the costumes.

[They come across a homeless man]

MAMike [as Bum]

Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx.

[He looks up at the Disinfesters]

CACrow [as Bum]

I thought it was a suggestion!

[The troopers close in on him]

Servo

When Habitat for Humanity cracks down!

BBum

Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave!

DDisinfester

You should have left earlier. Eliminate!

Wow, the Orkin Men have snapped!

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[A heavy steel ladder hangs dangerously above an unconscious Trash]

Servo

Ah. The ladder of Damocles.

Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder.

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PCPresident Clark

So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash.

WWrangler

[chuckles] I don't think so. They're both... under... [points at random place in Bronx model] ...there! [points somewhere else] ...or maybe there!

Servo

...right there!

WWrangler

But somewhere there!

[Mike and the 'bots laugh.]

PCPresident Clark

Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite?

WWrangler

[chuckles] I don't think so.

You guys didn't rehearse, did you?

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[As Trash blows up a van]

MAMike [as DJ]

Alright, we're here in the KROQ Supervan giving out a-- [The van explodes. Crow screams.]

SAServo [as Trash]

Hey, rats. That was my van!

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[A mutated man tries to hide from a spaceship, with a laser cannon attached to his arm.]

SAServo [as Elmer Fudd]

I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe.

. . .

[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]

Edward CDplayerhands.

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[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]

BBilly

Pow! Pa-pow!

Servo

After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow".

Once you're past the age of 11, you should not say "pow".

Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "fffwissshh"!

[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]

Servo

He's performing Frampton Comes Alive!

...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz.

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[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide.]

OK, let's look in Maltin's book here, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, My Favorite Year barely edges it out with three stars.

Huh.

Servo

Look here, Hannah and her Sisters is superior only by one star.

Oh wow.

[watching the film] Oh great, now a tire fire starts just off camera!

[Tom coughs. Mike turns a page.]

OK. Umm, ah, look, hey--Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to My Dinner With Andre.

Uhh--

Servo

[disgusted] Name of the Rose... this is a better film than Name of the Rose! It only got two stars!

Being There, two stars.

Uh, Lucas Tanner the movie was directed by Richard Donner... I just thought I'd point that out.

Servo

Oh. Good.

Lemme see here...

[reading the credits] Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that Ron Masak and Eddie Deezen get billing over Roddy McDowall?

Servo

Look Mike, Birdman of Alcatraz, three stars. Marginally better than Laserblast.

[still reading the credits] They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong...

Servo

[leaning in] What else you got?

Oh, here we go, Full Metal Jacket, three stars.

Hm?

Servo

Shame, isn't it.

Oh, hey, Seven Samurai, two stars.

[incredulous] What?!

I'm kidding.

Oh.

Servo

I hope so.

According to this, A Fish Called Wanda was as good a film as Laserblast.

[dismissive] D'oh...

Servo

Broadcast News, Witness, three stars--barely superior to Laserblast.

Mm-hm.

Same for Diner.

Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go--this was a better movie than Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Well, that's possible...

Servo

And the same caliber as Last Crusade--two-and-a-half stars.

Oh. And, uh, and yet: Blame It On the Bellboy... four stars.

Servo

[unbelieving] Where?

[incredulous] What?

No, I'm kidding.

Servo

Oh, you... You... jeez...

So, Kim Milford's greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as F. Murray Abraham's tortured performance as Salieri in Amadeus.

According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.

Servo

Bagdad Café, brilliant subtle comedy--no better than Laserblast.

Here's where it gets hard--Harry and the Hendersons is every bit as good as Laserblast.

Carson McCullers' classic The Heart is a Lonely Hunter--no better than Laserblast.

[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]

[reluctant] No, no--

Servo

Uhp, John Schlesinger's Oscar-winning thriller Marathon Man--on par with Laserblast, two-and-a-half stars.

Right, so Laurence Olivier's chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, no better than the butt-faced sheriff in Laserblast.

Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.

OK, ah--

Servo

Ah, look here, look here, Outlaw Josey Wales AND Unforgiven! Oscar-winner. Quintessential Westerns, Eastwood at his finest. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike.

Uh, yeah...

SMServo, Mike

Same as Laserblast--

Servo

Two-and-a-half stars.

Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. Sophie's Choice--

Servo

Uh huh.

Uh... here's one, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory--

Servo

No!

The Great Santini--

Servo

Oh, I can't believe that!

All two-and-a-half stars.

Servo

Two-and-a-half stars.

The same quality.

Ace by the way.

Yes, Ace.

Servo

[as they leave] Peers to Laserblast.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie

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Servo

Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love? No problems or mishaps today?

Nope, everything appears to be nominal.

Servo

Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So I guess you're not wondering what that rhythmic pounding might be?

[listens] Yeah, what is that?

Servo

Yeah, what is that? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I've got to tell you, this isn't normal. Something's causing this, Mike. Now, let's see... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here....

Okay, Tom. Where's Crow?

Servo

Where's Crow? Well, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron heading to the basement with a pickaxe in his hands!

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[Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out]

Woah, I didn't expect this!

Servo

Attaining.... maximum RPM.... adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... stabilize! There, that ought to [gets sucked towards hole] AAAAAAAAAAH!!!

. . .

Well, this is confusing! Mike, could you hand me my calculations?

[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]

Thank you! Huh, would you look at that: "Breach Hull - All Die"! Even had it underlined!

. . .

[Servo lands right-side up on the hole]

Servo

Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me, and frankly... I LOVE IT!

. . .

[Crow explains his unsuccessful attempt to burrow a way out of the Satellite of Love.]

Believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding against the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid… and I went ahead anyway.

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FDr. Forrester

Now, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment... did you... y'know, go?

MCMike, Crow, Servo

[dejected] Yes...

FDr. Forrester

Becuase I don't want to have to stop the movie for... y'know...

MCMike, Crow, Servo

You won't...

FDr. Forrester

Then, prepare yourself for This Island Earth!

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[during the opening credits]

Boy, the universe is really cruisin'!

Servo

Hey, there's Taurus the bull!

And over there's the Constellation Feces.

Oh, look. Orion is bankrupt.

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Servo

When in California, be sure to visit beautiful...

[The words "Washington, D.C." appear on screen]

Servo

...oh.

[as golf announcer] It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital.

Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park!

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[Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow.]

MAMike [as Meacham]

Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.

Servo

Early LSD tests in the Air Force.

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[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]

Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.

MDr. Meacham

Lowering the cylinder.

SAServo [as Meacham]

Inserting the breakfast pastry.

CACrow [as Narrator]

[darkly] The secret government Eggo project.

SAServo [as Meacham]

Contact Dr. Jemima!

MAMike [as Meacham]

God, I love the blueberry ones best.

[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]

MDr. Meacham

Increase the rate of reaction.

SAServo [as Meacham]

Start warming the syrup!

MAMike [as Meacham]

Yum!

[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]

MDr. Meacham

Check rate of radioactive decay.

CACrow [as Meacham]

Increase the Flash Gordon noises and put more science stuff around.

. . .

[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]

MAMike [as Meacham/Morrison]

Oh, my God! My waffle! Oh, the humanity!

[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]

Fries are up!

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EExeter

Stand aside, please. You too, Dr. Wilson.

SAServo [as Exeter]

No, farther towards the killzone, please!

CACrow [as Exeter]

Yeah, God I'm good!

[Meacham notices the plug for the Interocetor]

SAServo [as Meacham]

Dear God, I left the iron plugged in!

[Meacham rushes over to unplug the Interocetor, which starts sparking, causing him to lose balance. Joe rushes over to help him up]

CACrow [as Joe]

Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope!

[The Interocetor is now ablaze]

Servo

Quick, get the baking soda!

Boy, the landlady's going to be mad!

CACrow [as landlady]

[imitates knocking noise] Are you boys cooking up there?!

No!

CACrow [as landlady]

Are you building an Interocetor?!

[casually] No!