Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Duh-huh, kill! Huh huh...

Whoa! He set that thing for pheasants; that was lucky!

[haltingly, overacting] This has. Nothingtodowith. Being RICH.

I put the. Beatsinmyown. Script and I'm. Sticking WITH them.

You sleep in the barn!

This isn't the barn?

[addressing the Warriors from Hell] Excuse me, Mr. Moose?

We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.

I love you!

Servo

Quick! Jam a potato in the wound!

You were my first... tuber.

She came from somewhere back in your long ago.

Look, just shut up.

Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach.

[sobbing] Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode.

[sobbing] Well... I have to say... she was all-righta. [N]

You know, it's a lot of things, but it's not a bird sound.

I just heard an eagle meow!

How many weeks is she?

Fourteen.

A little young to be pregnant, isn't she?

So when do you think the people who work here are coming back?

How's it looking?

Not too good.

[whispering] There's a black guy in my office!

About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then.

Mike

1600 hours? So, like five months from now?

AADGKA!

Servo

Ah, aadgka, of course.

[sulkily] General wants to go find the aadgjka melting man.

Steve escaped.

Oh God.

Aadgka?

What're you gonna do?

Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.[N]

Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers.

Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something...

[annoyed with herself] Aadgka.

Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too.

Mike

Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors.

[ignoring the question] So, we don't have any crackers?

Ted. Steve?

Raging Bull.

Steve?

Steve had crackers!

I've got to go out and find Steve.

Why you?

Because nobody else is supposed to know.

Rye crisps, Sociables, anything?!

Servo

What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead!

Mike

Well now the movie has to mop up after itself.

Mike

So, they learned nothing.

Servo

Yep.

Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care.

Servo

I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket.

Mike

[reading the credit for Burr DeBenning] I learned never to name a child "Burr".

Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha...

Mike

Very good.

I kill me.

Servo

Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard.

Mike

I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make very tepid ironic statements.

We learned it's good to have Saltines around your house.

Servo

I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics.

Mike

Jonathan Demme?! Ah, who cares. Anyway?

Servo

Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops.

And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program.

Servo

What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You?

Mike

Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place.

Servo

Good lesson.

Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter.

Servo

Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby.

Mike

I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary.

Servo

Aadgka!

I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand.

Servo

Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days.

Mike

And neither are actors.

Servo

Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear.

Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like Berlin Alexanderplatz.

Servo

I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that?

Mike

[sitting down] Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s.

I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful.

Servo

Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. I did not know that.

Mike

We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything.

Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, people can abuse spirit gum and latex.

Mike

Oh, I hear ya.

You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!

I forgot my luggage...!

This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully!

Okay, you convinced me!

You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations!

Mike

[snickers]

Servo

Mmm-hmm.

Leave the Bronx!

Even though this is Italy, leave the Bronx!

I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!

You, too, Henry Silva.

The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition!

Therefore, we suggest you--

Leave the Bronx!

...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable...

Servo

So leave the Bronx.

Mike

Just leave the Bronx.

Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson!

Mike

Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx?