Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Boring!

[as he shuts the curtains] There, my problem went away.

Servo

If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving.

Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal.

Kind of an abstract sculpture of Jayne Mansfield.

Mike

I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty!

Mike

All this just to get a UHF station?

Keep your eye on the guinea pig.

Servo

[singing] Keep your eyeeeee on the guinea pig!

Servo

[dressed as a farmer, while Forrester suggests the SOL gang entertain visitors of Deep 13 with a Llama petting zoo] So you folks wanna touch the Llama, eh? That's right, eh? You can touch him all you want. You can touch him all night til' Hell freezes over! Not me, though; nosiree-bob! I wouldn't touch that smelly old thing. He hasn't been looking too good. Smells kind of funny too- smells really kinda rank! But you can touch him if you want! Ain't no law says you can't! Right, Mikey?

Mike

[staring forward blankly] You people bring matches for Mikey?

Servo

[screaming as Mike starts hitting himself and aggressively attempting to pet Crow's Llama disguise] YOU SHUT UP, MIKEY! YOU SHUT UP! You folks don't give NO matches to Mikey! You hear me? YOU HEAR ME?!! I don't care what Mikey say or Mikey do! I don't care if he comes crawling into your house at night, stark naked with a big 'ol knife! Don't give him no matches!!

¡Qui! ¡Qui! [N]

Let the Cher jokes...begin.

Servo

Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh...

Servo

Another successful José Eber makeover.

I'm pretty, so I have value now.

Servo

Hey, the woodland creatures love her music!

I don't get the physics of a hovering bat.

Servo

The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation!

I don't know how long I can keep this up!

We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! [N]

Servo

Ah, the entire Mexican middle class.

[trying to stifle a laugh] PfftHAHA!!!

I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on?

I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress?

So, do you need any wrestling done, or...?

Now why all the mystery? I can see that you're anxious to speak to me.

I am not anxious, it is you who is anxious.

You see, Diana is in terrible danger, but what's a good way to explain it to you?

Mike

Puppet theater?

Well that's easy, start by explaining.

I can't, Charles. I'm at a loss.

Be frank, I want to hear all the details. I'm to understand that Diana could be in danger, Professor. I've been summoned here, because you hope I'll find an adequate way to protect her. Isn't that the truth? And nevertheless, you can't, or won't tell me what is happening.

And that makes it hard to get the scene going!

How can you expect any help when I don't know who it is I must protect your daughter from?

Charles, I'm usually quite direct, and I don't like secrets, but in this case, I hesitate now because, you see, I'm not sure yet that's about what you'll say.

Someone is trying to kidnap Diana so they can collect ransom from you. Come on now, speak up.

No no, I swear, it's not true, Charles. No, it's something far more terrible than death itself, it's horrifying! I'm at a loss!

But forget I said anything.

That's all I'm going to tell you now. Should you decide to help me, fine. If not, then leave me alone!

Look, you invited me here!

Now take it easy, Professor. I'll help you, and willingly. But how?

I can't tell you, now leave me alone!

Tomorrow night, I'd like you to gather together some men, and good men, and come to the party, Charles. I mean to protect Diana.

Now get out of here!

Now look, if she's in danger, why not disband the party?

That's impossible. Diana's very sentimental. It's only what the girl deserves. But at the same time, she can't know the facts either. My, the situation is desperate!

Now Professor, let me know what's happening here, simply for Diana's good.

No, don't insist. I repeat, I can't say anymore. Now do me a favor, leave me alone. I have work to get done tonight.

Be sure to stop by again tomorrow, and then leave immediately! [Charles leaves the room]

No wait, come back!

Why won't he help me???

The first movie filmed entirely with flashlights.

C'mon, Merle! I only got two more D-cells left!

Mike

Probably blew their budget on those bongo players. I just said a lot of B's.

With 34 cylinders, the cars of yesteryear were impossible to flood.

Servo

She's flooding the radio.

Mike

And Creepy Triple-A is there.

Maybe this isn't my car.

Servo

Geez, not since Moonraker has there been an exciting opening sequence.

Have you been hearing some weird stories recently?

About Chuck Berry?

About telepathy?

I knew you were going to say that.

The fourth dimension?

Servo

Or Marilyn McCoo?

Or ghosts?

Mike

Hmm, no, it doesn't ring a bell. We must have the wrong movie.

The case that I'm working on at the present time involves a little of each.

Hang on a sec here, I've got this one thing.

Me?

Mike

You?

Who am I?

Frankly I've forgotten.

I'm a private investigator. Criminology is my hobby.

I sell parts of my record collection to make ends meet. I also manage a bowling alley... Oh, look, I'm kind of between projects at the moment. [softly] Mike, help me!

My philosophy?

Lots of leather.

It's really hard.

There's a long, complicated explanation to that question.

Servo

[sarcastically] Which he'll be happy to give us.

Wouldn't it be fantastic... to be able to speak to someone who has just passed over?

Servo

Quit squirming.

Why just think! We could find lost articles...

Coupons!

Treasures... Gold mines...

You're not buying any of this, are you?

We could even solve murders... by just contacting the murdered.

I'm so lonely... [sobs]

It takes a while for... temperature attunement.

Uh-huh...

Servo

Yeah.

Warming up.

Sure.

We'll try it again later.

Are you wearing corduroy? 'Cause that affects the radio, you know. You should also wash your hair a lot so the vibrations work.

This's gonna take a while; you wanna hang out? We could play air hockey, but we'd have to be kinda quiet 'cause my dad works third shift...

The problem of communicating with the... departed...

Is that they're dead.