“Samson vs. the Vampire Women” quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Remember, they're vampire women, so get ready with the Cher jokes.

Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.

¡Qui! ¡Qui! [N]

Let the Cher jokes...begin.

Servo

Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh...

Servo

Another successful José Eber makeover.

I'm pretty, so I have value now.

Servo

Hey, the woodland creatures love her music!

I don't get the physics of a hovering bat.

Servo

The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation!

I don't know how long I can keep this up!

We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! [N]

Servo

Ah, the entire Mexican middle class.

[trying to stifle a laugh] PfftHAHA!!!

I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on?

I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress?

So, do you need any wrestling done, or...?

Now why all the mystery? I can see that you're anxious to speak to me.

I am not anxious, it is you who is anxious.

You see, Diana is in terrible danger, but what's a good way to explain it to you?

Mike

Puppet theater?

Well that's easy, start by explaining.

I can't, Charles. I'm at a loss.

Be frank, I want to hear all the details. I'm to understand that Diana could be in danger, Professor. I've been summoned here, because you hope I'll find an adequate way to protect her. Isn't that the truth? And nevertheless, you can't, or won't tell me what is happening.

And that makes it hard to get the scene going!

How can you expect any help when I don't know who it is I must protect your daughter from?

Charles, I'm usually quite direct, and I don't like secrets, but in this case, I hesitate now because, you see, I'm not sure yet that's about what you'll say.

Someone is trying to kidnap Diana so they can collect ransom from you. Come on now, speak up.

No no, I swear, it's not true, Charles. No, it's something far more terrible than death itself, it's horrifying! I'm at a loss!

But forget I said anything.

That's all I'm going to tell you now. Should you decide to help me, fine. If not, then leave me alone!

Look, you invited me here!

Now take it easy, Professor. I'll help you, and willingly. But how?

I can't tell you, now leave me alone!

Tomorrow night, I'd like you to gather together some men, and good men, and come to the party, Charles. I mean to protect Diana.

Now get out of here!

Now look, if she's in danger, why not disband the party?

That's impossible. Diana's very sentimental. It's only what the girl deserves. But at the same time, she can't know the facts either. My, the situation is desperate!

Now Professor, let me know what's happening here, simply for Diana's good.

No, don't insist. I repeat, I can't say anymore. Now do me a favor, leave me alone. I have work to get done tonight.

Be sure to stop by again tomorrow, and then leave immediately! [Charles leaves the room]

No wait, come back!

Why won't he help me???