Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Actual footage of David Hasselhoff at Comic-Con.

These cavemen have kinky little skirts. It's fun!

Oh, well now they're just openly ripping off Spaceballs.

Thank God for my completely original weapon: the illumination sword!

Let's go board your ship, and continue on at once.

There's no need to continue.

Because the budget just ran out. The end! Let's go guys!

It's a can of spring snakes.

Servo

That's beautiful. Just to set a prank adrift in the world and hope it brightens some stranger's day.

Or gives them a heart attack.

Prepare to surface.

Jawohl, Kapitän.

Ugh, the realtor described this place as cozy.

Up periscope.

Up periscope!

Klaus, stop copying me. Jeez, every time...

Guys, what is my rule? If you're going to use my periscope, you had to wipe it off after. Come on!

This kaleidoscope sucks. There's no colors.

Thick fog. Perfect cover for us. Down periscope.

Down periscope!

Klaus, what did I just talk to you about?!

Sorry, mein Kapitän.

Both engines full ahead.

Both engines full ahead!

Klaus!

Now, there is a German supply ship operating in this area.

Servo

He said "area".

And we should rendezvous within the hour.

Or the pizza's free.

And you, Commander will be transferred to her, and shot as a pirate.

Oh, he's a pirate? Is that why this movie is rated "Arrrrgh"?

Nope.

Someday the whole show will be like this.

Servo

So that creature's probably endangered, right?

Oh yeah, for sure. Last of its kind, a priceless treasure, his sweat cures cancer, blah blah blah. KILL IT! KILL IT!

Are we there yet?

Please don't.

Are we there yet?

Crow, stop!

Are we there yet?

Crow, I swear, I will turn this movie RIGHT AROUND!

[as Hercules struggles to pick up a log] Boy, for a demigod, he's really struggling with that thing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, this is heavier than I thought! Okay, coming through! [grunt] Man carrying entire tree! Look out! Oooh, this is heavy. Oooh this hurts! Oooh, I didn't anticipate this!

Why is she standing behind a giant napkin?

Servo

Ooooh...

Oh, it's hanky panky.

Hey hey hey hey, Servo get down from there! Crow, get over here!

Servo

Yeah, there's the robe. Forget it.

How was it though?

Terrible. She wasn't even wearing any underwear.

Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always mine.

Stalker alert.

Servo

Buffering.

Processing.

Compiling.

What?

Download complete.

Servo

Buffering.

Processing.

Compiling.

But then you-

Download complete.

Servo

He seems to have ridden into some kind of promotion for Mountain Dew Mist.

See that pink smoke? Nowadays, all this would just be done in CGI, which I feel is cold and steril.

Yeah, you don't get the warmth of these shots of incompetent people trying their very hardest.

Right.

How do you get pink smoke?

Servo

That's easy, you crash a Mary Kay cosmetics car.

Okay, Mickey, let's try this again. As you know, we've only got one Hydra, so please don't damage it. Remember, we're doing pickup shots with the extra tomorrow. If you must stab it, only use the marked plunge points, and the rest of the time, only light taps please, with the flat side of the sword like we discussed. Thank you.

I feel like I'm watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios.

The center lane is for newlyweds only. Out of the way!

Servo

This is simultaneously the most and least responsible driving I have ever seen.

[when the bride wakes him up] Huh. I must have dozed.

Servo

This is all part of his elaborate love play.

Boy, I’m really tired tonight.

You can sleep afterward.

After what, Jonah?

D- Don’t worry about it.

Okay.

You’re not going to be a nagging wife now, are you, my dear?

That’s not what I’m into.

I bore you already. Looks like our marriage is doomed.

No.

Yes..

That happens whenever I get married.

Servo

“Whenever???”

Hey, sweetheart...

Hey, you think we can tell each other our names now?