A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
Most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 1,660 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (818), Mike Nelson (376), Joel Robinson (271)
[That night, Marinda's burial-shrouded body lies near a pyre.]
Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach.
. . .
[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]
[sobbing] Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode.
. . .
[sobbing] Well... I have to say... she was all-righta. [N]
[An eagle flies overhead making a very odd, synthesizer-like squawk.]
You know, it's a lot of things, but it's not a bird sound.
[Deathstalker looks up at the eagle strangely.]
I just heard an eagle meow!
[On the SOL, Mike has been hit in the face by a crazy pitch from Servo.]
Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship."
I was born on a pile of... Hey!
I.M.U., ready to launch.
You are not me, stop saying that!
[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]
[sulkily] General wants to go find the aadgjka melting man.
Steve escaped.
Oh God.
Aadgka?
What're you gonna do?
Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.[N]
Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers.
Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something...
[annoyed with herself] Aadgka.
Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too.
[She brings over his soup.]
Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors.
[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]
[ignoring the question] So, we don't have any crackers?
Ted. Steve?
Raging Bull.
Steve?
Steve had crackers!
I've got to go out and find Steve.
Why you?
Because nobody else is supposed to know.
Rye crisps, Sociables, anything?!
[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]
So, they learned nothing.
Yep.
Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care.
I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket.
[reading the credit for Burr DeBenning] I learned never to name a child "Burr".
Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha...
Very good.
I kill me.
Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard.
I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make very tepid ironic statements.
We learned it's good to have Saltines around your house.
I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics.
[Mike notices a credit for Jonathan Demme on the screen.]
Jonathan Demme?! Ah, who cares. Anyway?
Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops.
And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program.
What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You?
Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place.
Good lesson.
Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter.
Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby.
I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary.
Aadgka!
I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand.
Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days.
And neither are actors.
Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear.
[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]
Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like Berlin Alexanderplatz.
I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that?
[sitting down] Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s.
I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful.
Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. I did not know that.
We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything.
Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, people can abuse spirit gum and latex.
Oh, I hear ya.
[Less than a minute after liftoff, one of the astronauts announces "Saturn clear."]
Boy, they got to Saturn fast!
It's all freeways now.
DON'T SHOOT, I'M DR. TED NELSON!
[The security guard shoots Ted on the spot.]
[as the melting man] Whoa! Not Ted Nelson! No relation to Ted Nelson here!
[As the gang enters the theater, the famous Samuel Goldwyn logo appears.]
Hey, why is John Madden signing Samuel Goldwyn's signature?
Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution.
[As the film starts, squads of Stormtrooper-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares]
You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
[A man is thrown out a window]
I forgot my luggage...!
This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully!
[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]
Okay, you convinced me!
You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations!
[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]
[snickers]
Mmm-hmm.
Leave the Bronx!
Even though this is Italy, leave the Bronx!
I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
You, too, Henry Silva.
The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition!
Therefore, we suggest you--
Leave the Bronx!
...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable...
So leave the Bronx.
Just leave the Bronx.
[The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.]
Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson!
. . .
Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx?
Isolate area P-6.
And we have a Bingo! Hold your cards, please.
[The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.]
I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's left the Bronx, Ted.
Pretty much.
We gratefully aknowledge the Reynold's Wrap corporation for donating the costumes.
[They come across a homeless man]
Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx.
[He looks up at the Disinfesters]
I thought it was a suggestion!
[The troopers close in on him]
When Habitat for Humanity cracks down!
Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave!
You should have left earlier. Eliminate!
Wow, the Orkin Men have snapped!
[A heavy steel ladder hangs dangerously above an unconscious Trash]
Ah. The ladder of Damocles.
Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder.
So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash.
[chuckles] I don't think so. They're both... under... [points at random place in Bronx model] ...there! [points somewhere else] ...or maybe there!
...right there!
But somewhere there!
[Mike and the 'bots laugh.]
Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite?
[chuckles] I don't think so.
You guys didn't rehearse, did you?
[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]
Pow! Pa-pow!
After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow".
Once you're past the age of 11, you should not say "pow".
Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "fffwissshh"!
[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]
He's performing Frampton Comes Alive!
...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz.
Tom ServoKevin Murphy · 1,542 quotes
Mike NelsonMichael J. Nelson · 824 quotes
Joel RobinsonJoel Hodgson · 542 quotes
NNarrator224 quotes
JJonah171 quotes
GGypsy75 quotes
EEmily69 quotes
CFDr. Clayton Forrester57 quotes
PFPearl Forrester26 quotes
MMax22 quotes
KFKinga Forrester21 quotes
JPJack Perkins20 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.