Jake quotes from My Gym Partner's a Monkey

[climbing up] Forgot my tape recorder.

You still use a tape recorder? That is so garage sale. [pushes Adam down the mountain]

Excuse you.

Jake, you need to drop the cool act for one second and listen. I have something you need to hear. [plays the tape recorder]

[through recorder] That spidermonkey kid is so low watt. Like he hasn't figured that the only reason we invited him into our gang is because he's good at picking arc ticks.

[through recorder] Yeah, stupid was so much 2004. [laughter is heard as Jake whimpers sadly over hearing this] Shh, quiet, someone's coming.

[through recorder] Forgot my tape recorder. [stops the recorder]

[heartbroken] This… is… Is that true? Those guys were just using me?

I'm afraid so.

Hey, guys. What's going on? [notices Jake's bubble gum act] What are you doing, Jake?

Practicing my act for the talent show.

Uh, Jake, didn't you get banned from the talent show for what you did last year?

[offended as the bubble gum bubbles pop from his ears] Thanks for bursting my bubble by bringing that up, Windsor.

What happened last year?

Let's just say the bubbles came out somewhere else-- somewhere horrible.

Henry

OOOH! [singing while taking a shower] ♫ I'm a friendly armadillo / I'm a gentle pussy willow…♫ [notices Jake peeking from behind the curtains when he heard him; screams] Jake, what are you doing?!

That is the best Bari-Falset-Alto-Ano…you sing good! I want to enter you in the school talent show. What's your name, kid?

Henry

Well, it's Henry, Jake. You know that.

Well, Henrietta, I'm going to make you a star.

Henry

It's Henry. I'm a boy.

Well, if you say so. [closes the curtain]

Ingrid

[trying to comfort Lupe] Lupe, that vulture wasn't good enough for you. Plus, he stank like old meat.

I loved that musky stench! THANKS FOR THROWING SALT IN MY FRESH AND GAPING WOUNDS, INGRID! [flies away]

Ingrid

Salt's very antibacterial.

Pretty bird!

Pretty monkey!

Pretty stupid.

I'LL NEVER KNOW LOVE, AGAIN! [smashes into the locker and slides down onto the floor]

Whoa, Lupe, you've really hit the wall.

Yes. Yes, I have.

You're not gonna be an astronaut all because of the stupid pants?

[enraged] Stupid?! Ohh, that's just what they want you to think!

Hey, I thought car rides made you sick.

Can and did. I used your barf bag when you weren't looking.

That's not a barf bag! That's my lunch!

Really? What are you having? [looks inside] Ew, barf.

Some field trip. Hey, where are we going? Duh, I don't know. Let's drive off a cliff and find out. Animals.

Oho, so that the way it is, eh? Put man out in the wild and his true nature comes out. Well, let me tell you something! [sobs] That true nature hurts.

Alien threat? What alien threat?

Yeah, if there was an alien threat, we'd know about before you.

Yes, we haven't noticed anything strange.

I catapulted your fortress, Daniel. 3,000 points, officially making me the new master of attack.

All hail attack master Marvin.

Um, look, we're under attack in the real world, so can we borrow your destabilized particle laser ionizer cannon or not?

No! [gets pelted in the face by a banana peel] Who threw that?! Might it be you, attack master Marvin?

Oh, gosh. It wasn't me, sir. I'm allergic to fruit.

Me too.

Me too.

Me too.

Well, bananas don't just fall out of the sky, unless…

Aliens!

Told you.

Give it up, Rick, or we'll decelerate your particles back to Venus or Mars.

Or Mercury or Saturn, or any of the planets named on this detergent box.

Except for the planet that must not be named.

Ingrid

You mean, Jupiter?

Um, Principal Pixiefrog? Don't you think you're taking this a little too far?

Raining on parades again, Mr. Lyon? Well, let me- wait a minute. Who said that?

I did. See, when Adam became the new Mrs. Warthog, I became the new Adam, Windsor became the new me, Lupe became the new Windsor, Slips became the new Lupe… [45 Minutes Later…] And then Ingrid became the new Mr. Blowhole, and Henry became the new Ingrid.

Henry

[walking by on tall stilts] I never could've imagined the view from up here.

This is all your fault, Warthog!

My fault?! You're the one who cancelled classes!

Well, I never would have done all this if you hadn't opened your big mouth!

Well, you're the one who got totally out of control!

He's not the only one, buddy.

[in unison] Shut up, Adam!

[wakes up] Is it over?

It is now.

Hey, dudes! This is my new bud, Carl.

Hey, Carl.

What's up?

Dude, did you see Jake and Adam when I was like, "Hey, dudes." Adam's like, "Hey, Carl."

Yeah, and Jake's all like, "What's up?"

Looks like Slips has found a new friend.

Yeah. And he's all like, "weird."

[enraged about Rufus] I have had it with that laughing… [wipes his face] FREAK! I have never been so humiliated in my… [wipes his face again] LIFE!!

More humiliated than the time you came to school in your underwear?

[dumbfounded] I thought that was a dream.

[chuckles] No, that was real.

That was more humiliating. Anyway, back to Rufus. Rufus doesn't have any taste in comedy! My grandma has better taste in comedy! And what's up with that laugh?! [mocks Rufus' laughter] That's not a real laugh! That's a laugh of a phony! A phona-rific phony! [A sound of a toilet flushing is heard from the stall and he and Jake turn around to see a fully heartbroken Rufus, hearing everything] Hey, Rufus. You're looking pretty flushed. [chuckles nervously; Rufus suddenly bursts into tears, bawling, and runs out of the boys' bathroom] Rufus, wait!

Come here, my sweet. Shh. [hugs and comforts him]

[showing up with Jake] Rufus!

Do you guys realize what you've done? [Jake and Adam both shake their heads no] Hyenas need to laugh, to survive.

All right, everyone, who is ready to learn? [the Spiffies take their seats] When we left off yesterday, we had discovered three other ways Gillian could have easily gotten off the island.

Intruder alert! Intruder alert!

We're goners, Jake! You know he loves that marquee! We gotta get rid of it!

I will not! We're in love.

[barges in the classroom] STOP!!!

What's the meaning of this, Pixiefrog? I was promised complete autonomy.

Mr. Spidermonkey has my marquee post!

That monkey's always being disruptive, usually with his butt. If only there was something I could do to stop him. If only there was a way. [starts daydreaming in a medieval world]

Ooh! Sweet sweater, Bull. Too bad that title's already been claimed.

Bull

What are you talking about?

Well, according to him, he's number one.

Bull

Oh, we'll see about this! [walks over to him] Armadillo! There's only room for one #1 Grandson in this school, and that one is me!

Henry

[defensively] Nobody says I ain't #1.

Bull

Well, if you're so tough, then prove it!

Henry

All right, you asked for it. [he and Bull start to face off] I clip my nana's claws every night.

Bull

I floss my nana's jaws every night.

Henry

When my nana lost a bowling ball, I rolled up and let her bowl me.

Bull

I swim at her bingo every Wednesday.

Henry

Well, I lick up all her ants for her supper.

Bull

Well, I chew all her chums for her! [Henry gasps] And if it weren't chewed enough, she spits it out, and I chew it again! [Henry gets knocked out and falls to the floor on his back] Looks like you lose, Armadillo.

Henry

[sitting up] Not so fast!

Bull

And why's that?

Henry

Because every morning, I go to my nana's house. Game over.

Bull

Big deal, I go to mine every morning too!

Henry

But when you're there, do you give yours a sponge bath?