TV show quotes
Let's go over some of the equipment you'll be needing to host the show this evening, mister Bond.
Thank you, Bunsen, but, er... I'm not really James Bond, I'm just... Pierce Brosnan, Heh!
Oooh, Whatever you say, 007, wink, wink!
Wink, wink, wink!
Over here, I like to show you, this: which call this our "Deadly Alarm Clock".
I see! And how 'oes that work?
Well we put it in a great big slingshot and fire it point blank at somebodies head. It really hurts!
Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that can be seen everywhere from Istanbul to Constantinople.
Clifford, haven't you heard? Istanbul is Constantinople!
Wadda ya mean?
[Four rats pop up and sing a rendition of 'Istanbul (Not Constantinople)' by The Four Lads]
Istanbul was Constantinople.
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople.
Been a long time gone, Constantinople.
Why did Constantinople get the works?
That's nobody's business but the Turks!
[Addressing the Audience] Excuse me while I see what we have in our vast reservoir of talent. Later! [Walks off to meet Rizzo] Yo, Riz, Riz! What ya got for me?
Well, I'm afraid our vast reservoir is more like a vast desert. All we got is dancing grandmas!
Oah, that doesn't sound good!
It's either that or Seymore and Pepe doing German opera.
[Seymour and Pepe do their song]
Hi, there!
Ah, Aah!
I'm Tristan.
I'm Isolde.
We're two of a kind!
We both wear lederhosen,
and go swimming up the Rhine.
Tadaa!
I'll go and introduce the grandmas.
Yeah.
[Waldorf and Statler watch The Dancing Grandmas]
Woo-Wooh! Look at her shake that thing!
And what thing is that?
[pause] I don't remember! [both laugh]
Yo, yo, yo, Pierce, where-a ya been, man? We need you for the spy-in-the-casino sketch.
Oh, good, good, good! What does that involve?
You know... the usual! Where the spy has a fight scene, dances with beautiful women, gets tortured and saves the day!
[pauses for a moment while staring blankly] And what do I do?
That is what you'll be doing, man, just like in your movies.
But Clifford, this is live television. In the movies we plan everything and we do it over and over again until we get it right. I mean: we have stunt-men and special effects and we go to exotic locations like... Istanbul and... Constantinople.
[The Four rats pop up again.]
Now every gal in Constantinople,
lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople,
so if you've a date, in Constantinople,
she'll be waiting in Istanbul!
You know Clifford, that annoying and repetitive rat-song, has given me time to think: I'll do the sketch!
[James Bond meets the bad guy in the casino]
Hey Blowfish, you up to your old tricks of playing pinochle again, hey?
It's blackjack, you fool!
So, changed your name to Black Jack? Very clever! But I still recognize you!
[...]
[French accent] Ladies and gentleman, The Maman Casino is proud to present the song stylings of... Miss Porky Galore!
[Swift Wits, the fastest game-show on earth. Hosted by Nookie Blier]
Here is today's contestant, mister Arthur Model. I understand you have a very interesting story about the time you had a sea cruise with the Dalai Lama?
Yes, Nookie, you see: we were a...
Ahah. Okay Arthur. I said you have a interesting story. I didn't say that I wanted to hear it!
[The Rock Lobsters enter the KMUP building and encounter Bobo the Security Bear, who is on the phone]
After we do our number, we take over the studio and make our demands!
Okay!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!! What are you guys doing here?
Eh, we're the Rock Lobsters, we're here to do our big Rock Lobster song on the show.
Yeah, and then we're gonna take over the studio!
[to drummer] Sssht, Chatterhead! [to Bobo] He was talking about how, how bears will believe anything you tell 'em.
[laughs] You got that right! Ah, have a good day, fellows!
[007 juggles with Andy and Randy Pig.]
Coming at you Nancy, coming at you Clancy! [Throws clubs at the Pigs]
[As clubs hit them on the head] Aw! We should have found out what juggling is. Aw!
There we go. Coming at you. Don't lose interest.
Aw. Why is he hitting us?
This job is too hard!
Well, I guess you gotta take the bad with the good.
Yeah, but I'm still waiting for the good! [both laugh]
[The Rock Lobsters are nearing the end of their song.]
[to Rizzo] Figure those lobsters out there: aren't they cute? With their little lobster outfits, their little lobster guitars and their little lobster semi-automatic weapons.
[Rizzo and Clifford both laugh, until it hits them]
[Cut to stage]
[Interspersed with enthusiastic support from his peers] Keep that camera turned on me, or we will shoot you! Shellfish of the world, unite! We, the Crustacean Liberation Army, are taking over the Muppet Studios! Here we will announce our plans for world domination. Here are our demands: First, that from now on, when someone's in bad mood, no-more calling them 'crabs'. Second: when someone is short, no-more calling them 'shrimps'.
[Freaking out] Yeah, because that's one thing that really burns us.
Take it easy, Ed. [Ed calms] Third: No more movies based on old tv shows.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, that's right! But... wait a minute, what's that got to do with shellfish?
Nothing. It's for the benefit of all mankind!
[Cut to backstage]
Well, You got to agree with them on that one!
[still making fierce demands] ...demand number 49: 'Istanbul should be changed back to Constantinople'.
[The four rats pop up and sing their song again]
So take me back to Constantinople.
No, you can't go back to Constantinople.
Been a long time gone, Constantinople.
Why did Constantinople get the works?
That's nobody's business but the Turks! Hey!!
All right, so it wasn't a real demand, I just wanted to hear that song again! Anyway, until our demands are met, we rule the airwaves! We will control the entertainment on this show! We will put on what we wanna see! Men, what do we wanna see? [they discuss it amongst themselves] You're kidding me! Sure? [the men agree] Right then, we choose to put on... The Dancing Grandmas!!
Boy, watching these grandmas has me feeling something I haven't felt in years.
What's that?
My pulse! [Both laugh]
[After five minutes, the demands have still not been met]
Alright, it's been five minutes and I can see our demands aren't going to be met- Agnes, when I get home, I don't wanna hear you say 'I told you so!'. Now, to show you serious we are: Bring out the hostages! Heheheheh!
[Seymour and Pepe are being brought in, begging for mercy"]
So, how does it feel now that you're about to be sacrificed, big-shot-capitalistic entertainers? Let's hear you sing now."
"Okay."
[Seymour and pepe perform their song for the second time ever on the air]
Heheheh!
I'm Seymour.
I'm Pepe.
We're two of a kind.
We're about to be sacrificed,
and I've got a big behind?
[to the lobsters] If we only had a little more time to prepare, okay. [Seymour agrees]
Silence! Take 'em away before they sing again!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Muppets Tonight pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
