Clay Puppington quotes from Moral Orel

Clay

(as Orel undoes his pants for a "lesson") Forget it, save it.

Orel

But aren't you going to teach me a lesson?

Clay

No, I'm not.

Orel

So, what does this mean, you're giving up on me, Dad?

Clay

Orel, a father never gives up on his son, because then he's not really a father; and if I'm not a father, all I really am is a husband, and that's practically worthless.

Orel

Uh-huh.

Clay

Also, you did follow my advice, kiddo, so punishing you would be an admission of wrongness on my part, and believe you me, that ain't gonna happen.

Orel

So why did we even come in here?

Clay

Well, we had to cast what's called a smoke-screen.

Orel

A smoke-screen?

Clay

Yes, it's a valuable tool I use in order to give your mother the illusion that I'm actually doing my job as your father.

Orel

Neat! You're the best, Dad. I love you.

Clay

Sure do. Well, we got about one more minute in here.

Clay

Geniuses is the most simplistic way of disproving evolution while at the same time proving that a miracle of God's pure brainpower, He whipped up the universe in His heaven shaped laboratory hundreds of years ago.

Orel

Wow.

Clay

In fact, Geniuses is so simplistic that even the lowest form of life can understand it.

Bloberta

I hate you Jesus,

Clay

You rotten little fink,

Your sermon never pleases,

Doctor Potterswheel

And all your parables all stink,

Your eyes are beady, nose is weird, a goofy basket case,

I'd like to take that stupid beard and rip it off your face!

Prancing gayly on the water, a long haired scrawny clod, you maybe someone's daughter but you sure ain't the son of....

[In church] Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-God, I hate you Jesus, with your boring miracles, you smell like a hundred cheeses have been shoved right up...shoved right up...shoved right up my nose!!

Orel

Wow! Everybody sure hates Jesus! Whoops...

Bloberta

Well, I just don't know what's causing all these horrible diseases

Clay

[Reading a newspaper, covering his face] it's a real mystery

Clay

Say, I think I'll go and paint the...uh...lawn!

Orel

Hey, maybe I could become a heathen just long enough for Reverend Putty to come and save me! That'd make God happy.

Clay

Sorry pal. Until you're eighteen, your soul belongs to us.

Doughy

[As a snake-like belt] come here, Orel, while your pulling your pants up from my spanking!

Doctor Potterswheel

Is his dad molesting him?

Clay

What?!

Clay

I hope that's taught you a lesson, son.

Orel

It sure has! I'm never gonna do that, with those, in there, for that long, ever again!

Clay

Good boy son, good boy...

Orel

Is that it?

Clay

Yup, you can go.

Orel

Oh, you're not going to lecture me some more.

Clay

Nah, gonna relax for a while.

Orel

Gee...

Clay

Orel, how would you like to go on father and son outing together?

Orel

Father and son, and how!

Clay

Son of a...

Orel

Why did you pull me away from her, Dad?

Clay

Never fraternize with the enemy!

Orel

Aw, she's so cute!

Clay

Okay, for the love of God, orel, get that poor, wretched creature in your sights and put it out of its misery.

Orel

Gosh, she looked pretty happy to me.

Clay

Happy?! Orel, that thing is eating grass! Everyone knows that grass is nature's carpeting! You're not supposed to eat it. You're supposed to judge your neighbors by how neat it looks outside their homes!

Orel

But...it looks so peaceful.

Clay

GET OUT OF THE WAY! [Takes another swig of liquor and shoots the doe.]

Orel

Dad!

Clay

Got her! Ha ha! I win! And you lose.

Clay

(he takes a large swig of alcohol) I gotta tell you, Orel; your cup is always half empty. You need to be more like your old man and look at the blight side of things.

Orel

Blight?

Clay

I didn't say bright, I said blight. "My life is sunny and blight". Bright means the opposite, it means sudden withering death, and... (suddenly despondent, as if the alcohol caused something in his mind to snap) ...Oh, who am I kidding? My life is full of "bright".

Orel

You mean blight?

Clay

Oh, God...

Orel

What's the matter?

Clay

...I hate myself. [Orel's eyes tear up as Clay looks at the bottle he's holding.] (screaming to his own reflection on the bottle) WHY DO YOU QUIT WORKING ON ME?! She always fools me, Orel. "I'll make things better dear. Drink me. Put me inside you, I'm great!" And she chokes me just like every other whore out there! They're all worthless, kid- every woman. Don't let 'em get ya. All of 'em wanna get ya. They just grab you and pull you into them! And then you're forced to stay in and pull out and stay in and pull out! And then they gut ya. And then they grip ya by right where it counts. And then they start squeezing things out! Things that are like weights around your head! You're stuck there for the rest of your life, with nowhere to go and no one to be!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!!

Orel

Dad!

Orel

Are you okay?!

Clay

(laughing like a madman) Okay? Am I okay?! YOU SHOOT ONE THING THIS WHOLE TRIP- COUNT 'EM, ONE THING- AND IT'S TWO OF MY LAST BOTTLES OF LIQUOR?!

Orel

Sorry, dad! It was an accident!

Clay

THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS!!!!! You have done nothing but whine and complain like a little lady in a flowery, sissy skirt and attractive high heels about my drinking since we got here!

Orel

It's because you become a bad person when you drink!!!

Clay

Oh, I do, do I? Well, we'll see about that! (He tries to take off his belt to spank Orel but can't; he is that drunk off his ass. His pants fall down, and eventually he collapses onto a makeshift liquor storage tent he had set up. He still tries to pull them back up, but can only flop around waving his legs pathetically. Orel tries to help) Get away from me! I'll do it myself! (After failing to put his pants up again, he curls into a ball and weeps in a fit of despair. Finally, he stops and manages to pull his pants up.) Okay... It's time you became a man! Where's my rifle?

Orel

I-I-I don't think...

Clay

There it is! (grabs his rifle and starts aiming it around)

Orel

(trembling) Dad! W-Watch out!

Clay

Please, Orel. I know exactly what I'm doing.

Orel

Yeah, but you might shoot it off by mistake!

Clay

There aren't any mistakes either. No mistakes, no accidents, no flub-ups, no boners...

Orel

But—

Clay

DON'T "BUT" ME! (pulls the trigger, shooting Orel in the leg)

Clay

[cheerfully] Mornin'!

Orel

Morning was 13 hours ago.

Clay

Missed the roosters, eh? High time for some breakfast!

Orel

I wanna go home.

Clay

Why? What happened?

Orel

You shot me in the leg.

Clay

No I didn't.

Orel

Look.

Clay

Oh. I don't remember that. So that means it's not my fault!

Bloberta

Good afternoon.

Clay

Oh, yeah? What's so afternoon about it?

Bloberta

Well, it's 4:30 P.M. What kind of an example is that for your son?

Clay

Don't worry about Orel, he's fine! A chip off the 'ol block, out of my flesh and... [he opens the door to the bathroom to find, to his utter horror, Orel bathing in the blood of his friends, who are standing around with knives and other sharp things.] ...blood?

Orel

Oh, hi, dad. Pretty great, huh?

Clay

No! It's not great!

Orel

But, I was just trying to do what you said.

Clay

For the millionth time, whatever I said, I didn't mean this! Young man, I'll see you in my study!

Clay

What're you all dressed up for? Got a big date or something?

Orel

I thought you'd have a change of heart.

Clay

"Change of heart"?! Orel, change is only for hippies and underwear.

Doughy

Did you see God? What did you learn?

Orel

Oh, I learnt all about Heaven. And guess what, it's not at all like we thought it was.

Orel

It's still a little fuzzy, though, but I think I can remember if I really try--

Clay

[covering Orel's mouth] We're all just fuzzy--

Orel

No, wait! I remember!

Clay

[covering Orel's mouth] That's because what Orel saw was fuzzy clouds and fuzzy angels. Isn't that right, son?

Orel

Uh... I don't think so...

Clay

Well, let me help you remember... in my study! [Pause] Come on, gulp for me, son. [Orel gulps] Atta, boy!

Clay

Wait a minute! You're asking me to take responsibility for what Orel does?

Rev. Putty

I know it's a tall order.

Clay

90% of the time, I'm not even responsible for my own actions!

What if you quit drinking?

Clay

(mockingly) Yeah, what if?