Orel quotes from Moral Orel

Orel

I think that as long as you have at least one of those "F" words in your life, you can't be lonely. For you see, a lot of the problems starts when people get too greedy and want all of the "F" words, and don't appreciate the ones that they have. Then they're just making their live miserable...and who ever heard of somebody actually wanting to make his life miserable. Amen.

Orel

Gosh, who would've thought that bringing a loaded gun to school could be such a disaster.

Doughy

Hey Orel, wanna come over to my house and play?

Orel

Can I, mom?

Bloberta

Alright, but don't take any rides from strangers

Orel

Why?

Orel

Oh, right. Well goodbye.

Orel

Boy, Doughy, Reverend Putty's sermon today sure made me think.

Doughy

Orel! You know you're not supposed to think when it comes to God and faith!

Orel

I know but-

Doughy

Hey, let's cut through the cemetery!

Orel

Okay.

Doughy

It's always so pretty. Do you think it's because dead people make good fertilizer?

Orel

Hmmmmm...maybe. But they sure make bad Christians.

Orel

Gee dad, I was just trying to stop those dead people from spitting phelgm onto God's face

Clay

That much I understand, son. But there are other ways of preserving God's gift of life

Orel

How?

Clay

Well, for one... [Picks up the Necronomicon from the shelf] where in this book does it say the dead have to be naked?

Orel

Well, it doesn't really, but some of their clothes were stinky and messy with blood.

Clay

Their clothes didn't smell, Orel, their bodies smell. Their disgusting, exposed bodies.

Orel

Oh. I guess I was too caught up in bringing them back to life to notice

Clay

That's no excuse. Nudity is a horrible thing, and should only be committed as a last resort. Remember the lost 11th Commandment: Thou shalt be ashamed of thy natural anatomy.

Orel

Dad, how do you make babies?

Clay

How old are you, Orel? 9?

Orel

11.

Clay

Hmm, 11. This is interesting. Now that you're 11, you can now know the real story. "Babies are made by God's chef, visiting ladies at night while they're asleep and injecting them with the delicious glaze from his holy pastry bag." Brilliant.

Orel

Gods Chef?

Clay

All right here in the black and white.

Clay

But I don't know if you realize the true danger of crack. Crack is a gateway to slang.

Orel

Slang?

Clay

Yes. Remember, son... people know who you are by the words you use, not the things you do.

Orel

I'm sorry, Dad. From now on, when I do drugs, I'm going to speak properly.

Clay

Attaboy. Just remember the lost 13th Commandment. Thou shalt not bastardize the American language.

Clay

You have a lot of time before you decide what you're going to do for a living. And when you do start working, it's not going to be as easy as just peeing into a Tupperware container. Working is a very hard, soul-numbing and joyless experience, son

Orel

Gosh, thanks for preparin' me for the future Dad, you're the best!

Clay

If I can make sure you're ready for the dead-end bleakness of adulthood, then I've done my job.

Bloberta

I'm not throwing out your breakfast again, it's a waste. And God hates waste

Orel

He does?

Bloberta

Yes. Why do you think He won't even throw the devil away?

Clay

Your mother's right, Orel. What's more, your track coach, Mr. Stopframe, has just sent me a 12 page letter.

Orel

What does it say?

Clay

Oh, many many things...but here on page 7, he mentions you.

Orel

Oh, but why did he send you--

Clay

He says that you've been coming in with slower and slower times at practice.

Orel

What else does he write about Dad?

Clay

Well, that's all as far as you're concerned.

Stephanie

Well, in this town, I guess I could use someone like me when I was your height. OK kid, I’m gonna give you a “Prince Albert”

Orel

“Prince Albert?”

Stephanie

Yep, I’m gonna put one of these through your Johnson. Then when you’re finally tall enough to drive it home, your good lady wife will be squealing like she’s won a year’s supply of pantyhose.

Orel

Um, I was wondering, do you need any help around the shop, for when it gets busy?

Stephanie

Busy? This store? In Moralton?

Orel

If I get another piercing, how long would it take? Could I be here all day?

Stephanie

Look, I know you like it here with me. I like you too. But face it, shorty, you're gonna need some time in that sun if you're ever gonna grow. You're a good kid. Just stay that way and that'll be all you need to make your woman happy.

Orel

Okay. You know, you should really think about getting married. You'd make a pretty good mom.

Stephanie

Thanks. Take care, Orel. (Orel leaves) Uh-oh, maternal pang. (She quickly pierces her eyebrow) Ah, all gone.

Clay

Orel, I want you to stay away from that person

Orel

But dad, she has such a warm attitude

Clay

"Warm attitude?" You kids today and your slang

Orel

But it's true, she's very pleasant

Clay

Son, she's only pleasant because she is different. When you're normal like the rest of us in Moralton, you have the luxury of being unpleasant.

Orel

Gee, the Lord sure works in mysterious ways!

Reverend Putty

He's not mysterious, Orel; He works in one way. Give Him the opportunity...and He's gonna get ya!

Orel

Sorry to interrupt your dinner, Reverend.

Reverend Putty

Company isn't an interruption, Orel. Just an occasional reminder of my involuntary solitude.

Clay

Your friendship and loyalty to Joe led you to hurting other people.

Orel

Yeah…those boys in the forest…

Clay

No, I’m talking about your three real friends: Doughy, Tommy and the rest!

Bloberta

Have a good day at school, dear.

Orel

[Under his breath] Eh, have a good day, yourself.

Bloberta

Hmm, now where have I seen that behaviour before? [To Clay] Have a good day at work, dear.

Clay

[Under his breath] Eh, have a good day, yourself.