Rev. Putty quotes from Moral Orel

Rev. Putty

Friends, I look around this town and my heart breaks. But it's not the kind of heartbreak I get when a woman rejects me.

Reverend Putty

I'd like to welcome a very special Merry 1st Christmas to our Jews for Jesus friends. You know, during this joyous season, it is easy to forget the true meaning of Christmas. What Christmas is really about is the birth of the cute little baby who would grow up to die an unbelievably horrible death for our sins. You know who I'm talking about: Jesus, our Savior! Born from an attractive, young virgin named Mary.

Rev. Putty

We were all made in God's image. Now what does that phrase really mean? I mean, if a ugly fat lady is made in God's image, then how can a stuck-up pretty lady also be made in God's image?

Rev. Putty

God wants you to love Jesus more than anything else in the world. More than your mother, more than your father, more than your favorite food. And yes, even more than money.

Reverend Putty

Now this is not to say that the pious life is completely devoid of joy. Oh, there’s lot of great stuff! There’s platonic friendship, nice weather, the thrill of a good night’s sleep....uh....just to name a few.

Rev. Putty

(praying) Lord, Putty here. Reverend Putty, for what that's worth. I don't know what the deal is with you, but I do and do and do for you, and all I ask is one measly thing in return! Seriously, is a lady really that difficult to conjure up? I mean, you make trees for a living. And I'm saying it could be any lady! Any size, any shape, any colo— I mean, any weight. The point is, I'm not picky. Amen.

Rev. Putty

[thinking] Wait a minute! Orel! Orel Puppington!

Rev. Putty

Happy Easter. By the look of all your pathetic mugs, I'd say you had as good a week as I had. [Quick montage of his hook-up with Florence from "Sundays"] Yep. A hum-dinger. [Florence looks away.] Well, if you remember last week's sermon, I ended it with a little cliffhanger: What was in the tomb when Mary Magdalene and company checked it out? Well, here's the answer: nothing. Nothing was in the tomb. Now, usually, nothing is a down. One big goose egg. Well, this time the goose laid a golden egg, people. Nothing meant "hope" for everyone. So the next time you look and see nothing, have a little hope for me. Amen.

Rev. Putty

Today's Christmas sermon is about family. What is family? Well, a lot of times, family is just a bunch of people who are forced to be together just because they came out of each other, but every so often...

Rev. Putty

A miracle happens. A loving family, just like that—out of nowhere. Now, what causes this? A belief in God, a strong moral structure, blind luck? Who knows? Who cares? Ah, you're not gonna get any answers out of me. I'm just a puppet for the Big Guy. I don't write this stuff. The end. I mean, Amen. Nah, who am I kidding? The end.

Orel

Gee, the Lord sure works in mysterious ways!

Reverend Putty

He's not mysterious, Orel; He works in one way. Give Him the opportunity...and He's gonna get ya!

Orel

Sorry to interrupt your dinner, Reverend.

Reverend Putty

Company isn't an interruption, Orel. Just an occasional reminder of my involuntary solitude.

Doughy

Is sin radioactive?

Rev. Putty

Yes. That's why it's dangerous to get it near your groin.

Doughy

Yikes!

Well, you see, Stephanie...

Stephanie

Yes, Reverend?

You know what? Let's just cut the "Reverend" stuff, huh?

Stephanie

OK, what would you prefer? "Pastor"? "Minister"? "Brother"? "Rod"?

How about "Father"?

Stephanie

Sounds a little too Catholic, doesn't it?

Hmm, you're right. Better make it "Dad".

Reverend Putty

Uh, look, just try not to think about it. Not a sight out of mind.

That is easy to say.

Reverend Putty

You can do it. Distract yourself. Giver your wife a baby, that'll make you feel like a good husband. Just pretend.

Wow, this place is depressing!

Rev. Putty

Yeah, well, when you're constantly depressed you don't even notice!