Bloberta Puppington quotes from Moral Orel

Doughy

Hey Orel, wanna come over to my house and play?

Orel

Can I, mom?

Bloberta

Alright, but don't take any rides from strangers

Orel

Why?

Orel

Oh, right. Well goodbye.

Orel

Boy, Doughy, Reverend Putty's sermon today sure made me think.

Doughy

Orel! You know you're not supposed to think when it comes to God and faith!

Orel

I know but-

Doughy

Hey, let's cut through the cemetery!

Orel

Okay.

Doughy

It's always so pretty. Do you think it's because dead people make good fertilizer?

Orel

Hmmmmm...maybe. But they sure make bad Christians.

Clay

Stinking dead-end job...

Bloberta

Hello, sweetheart.

Clay

[suddenly happy] Hi, honey!

Bloberta

I'm not throwing out your breakfast again, it's a waste. And God hates waste

Orel

He does?

Bloberta

Yes. Why do you think He won't even throw the devil away?

Clay

Your mother's right, Orel. What's more, your track coach, Mr. Stopframe, has just sent me a 12 page letter.

Orel

What does it say?

Clay

Oh, many many things...but here on page 7, he mentions you.

Orel

Oh, but why did he send you--

Clay

He says that you've been coming in with slower and slower times at practice.

Orel

What else does he write about Dad?

Clay

Well, that's all as far as you're concerned.

Clay

That kid gets more action than I do.

Bloberta

I'm still weaning him, Clay.

Clay

Bloberta, he's seven! He should not be using your milk to wash down his meatloaf, which I pay for by working that stinking dead-end job!

Bloberta

I'm so sick of your complaining. Why don't you just quit your job and quit being such a crybaby?

Clay

Oh, thanks for the sympathy! You have never been on my side!

Bloberta

Why would I be on the side of a self destructive alcoholic?

Clay

I can't believe I gave you the privilege of satisfying me every night

Bloberta

Have a good day at school, dear.

Orel

[Under his breath] Eh, have a good day, yourself.

Bloberta

Hmm, now where have I seen that behaviour before? [To Clay] Have a good day at work, dear.

Clay

[Under his breath] Eh, have a good day, yourself.

Orel

Dad?

Clay

Where? I mean- Here for ya!

Orel

I’m sure finding it hard trying to avoid all of the devils pleasure traps

Clay

Ah, don’t worry, son. When you get older and have a family, you’ll find that leading a virtuous and pleasure-free life comes as easy as waking up in the morning.

Bloberta

Clay, I’m setting your couch alarm so you’re not late for work again tomorrow!

Clay

[mockingly] Fine! [to Orel] Okay, it’s a lot easier than waking up in the morning.

Our Father, who/which art... [Everyone stops, slightly confused, then resumes] ...in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses/debts... [everyone stops again, more conscious, and then continue cautiously forward] ...as we forgive those who trespass/our debtors...

Clay

Debtors?!

Trespassers?!

What are you, nuts?! Get out!/Let's go!

Well, you think you know someone!

Get up, kids. I can't believe you would expose my children to this without my consent!

Clay

Your children? What about my kid, he's only nine!

Orel

Twelve.

Bloberta

Please, just leave!

Gladly!

Clay

You don't even understand what the Lord's Prayer means!

How dare you!? Forgive your debtors!

Clay

Forgive your trespassers!

You owe me a bottle of wine!

Clay

GET OFF MY PROPERTY!! (Slams the door)

Bloberta

I hate you Jesus,

Clay

You rotten little fink,

Your sermon never pleases,

Doctor Potterswheel

And all your parables all stink,

Your eyes are beady, nose is weird, a goofy basket case,

I'd like to take that stupid beard and rip it off your face!

Prancing gayly on the water, a long haired scrawny clod, you maybe someone's daughter but you sure ain't the son of....

[In church] Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-God, I hate you Jesus, with your boring miracles, you smell like a hundred cheeses have been shoved right up...shoved right up...shoved right up my nose!!

Orel

Wow! Everybody sure hates Jesus! Whoops...

Bloberta

Well, I just don't know what's causing all these horrible diseases

Clay

[Reading a newspaper, covering his face] it's a real mystery

Clay

Say, I think I'll go and paint the...uh...lawn!

Orel

Mom, why did you marry dad?

Bloberta

Why? Well, men have to marry women. Otherwise, if men married men and women married women we'd all give birth to nothing but fairysexuals.

Orel

But why you marry dad?

Bloberta

Oh, well... [laughs] Why not?

Orel

It's just that, when he drinks, he... changes.

Bloberta

Oh, he doesn't "change", Orel. That's just his true nature coming out. [She leaves]

Orel

Huh. Nature.

Rev. Putty

Bloberta! What brings you...

Bloberta

Reverend, I want you.

Rev. Putty

I... uh... I'm sorry?

Bloberta

I need you. I have this feeling.

Rev. Putty

Oh, well, uh... Meet me at the church repressional.

Bloberta

No! I want to be with you! I want your mind, your body. I want to get close to you in anyway. Touch you, anywhere. I'm yours, all yours!

Rev. Putty

AAAAHHHH!!! (ejaculates in his pants and falls on his knees) I'm done.

Bloberta

What?

Rev. Putty

I'm done! Go away! Go a million miles away! (slams the door)

Bloberta

Good afternoon.

Clay

Oh, yeah? What's so afternoon about it?

Bloberta

Well, it's 4:30 P.M. What kind of an example is that for your son?

Clay

Don't worry about Orel, he's fine! A chip off the 'ol block, out of my flesh and... [he opens the door to the bathroom to find, to his utter horror, Orel bathing in the blood of his friends, who are standing around with knives and other sharp things.] ...blood?

Orel

Oh, hi, dad. Pretty great, huh?

Clay

No! It's not great!

Orel

But, I was just trying to do what you said.

Clay

For the millionth time, whatever I said, I didn't mean this! Young man, I'll see you in my study!

Miss Censordoll

Finish this one: "Unbridled free thinking leads to...?"

Bloberta

Free thinking...free thinking...free thinking? This that even a word?

Miss Censordoll

Two words. Some call it a phrase.

Modella, I'm surprised at you!

It wasn't I, mother.

Well, it certainly wasn't our dear, little Lunchbox here.

Bloberta

Mom, that was me singing...along with the family.

Really, Bloberta; you know we don't need two sopranos, and your older sister has perfect pitch.

Bloberta

I know.

Oh please, nobody's per--

RAYMOND!!!

I'll shut up!

Rev. Putty

And do you, Bloberta Hymentact, take Clay Puppington as your lawfully wedded husband?

Bloberta

Why not?